My Opinion Doesn't Matter

In this great big improv of life my opinion doesn't matter.

Neither does yours.

In fact, opinions can be used as a weapon when some folks are so adamant about their opinions that they try to present it as the truth.

When opinions masquerade as truth they become very dangerous.

Any time you turn on the television, log in to Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram, or Snapchat or any other social media platform you are inundated with people spouting OPINIONS that they are trying to pass off as REALITY.

Because opinions are great "copy". Opinions are great click-bait. Opinions get all dolled up in a fancy font over a pretty picture and get paraded around as something worth believing in but are usually forgotten as soon as they're "shared".

Yet, when someone is so very determined with their opinion it can cause us to doubt ourselves! I know that in my own life, I've fallen for an opinion and only after some personal reflection, realized that the opinion was not true for me.

Before you start believing an outsider's opinion as truth, make certain that opinion IS honestly true for YOU.

Remember when your Aunt Martha kept urging you to try out for the football team, just because she was of the opinion you looked like a linebacker in high school? Do you also remember how you had absolutely NO interest whatsoever in playing football? You told her this, yet, she spent an entire family picnic telling everyone she saw that you SHOULD really play football. She'd grab your arm and haul you over to a relative and say, "Lookit him! He's a linebacker. He's a fool if he doesn't try out for football!" What if you'd believed her opinion and tried out for football and gotten on the team. At best, you'd have hated it.  Even worse, you could've gotten hurt by believing Aunt Martha's opinion!

Opinions often have these key words or phrases:

You (he/she/they) should do this . . .

If I were you, I'd . . .

Listen, people . . .

Listen, sheeple . . .

You're an idiot/a fool/making a mistake if you believe . . .

You're an idiot/a fool/making a mistake if you don't (fill in the blank with something that doesn't interest you at all) . . .

This is the truth, it's not your fault. ABC (or XYZ) is making your/our life/lives miserable . . .

An opinion is just that. An opinion. 

That's why MY opinion of you, or the world, or what someone else is doing shouldn't matter to anyone else.

All that matters is what is true for you!

International Women's Day

In the improv of life we all have the opportunity to change the world.

Today, on International Women's Day how about we WOMEN celebrate by rising up and agreeing to stop criticizing and judging and comparing ourselves to other women?

How about we all start accepting ourselves and every woman as she IS. Without competition, contempt or jealousy.

We ALL carry the good (the great and amazing, really!), the bad and the ugly in us each day. But, how about TODAY we start treating ourselves and EACH OTHER with grace and acceptance and kindness?

So WHAT if she doesn't look/weigh/dress/groom/parent/date/marry/act/react like you would? Like my mama used to say, "If we were all exactly alike, the world would be a boring place."

So, today, let's begin anew and choose to LIFT other women UP rather than tear them down with our words, our gossip and our disapproval.

And, in the process, let's treat ourselves a little more kindly, too.

What We Don't Talk About

In the improv of life, the thing we don't talk about is this:

You can do everything right and sometimes people treat you badly.

I've seen leaders in business who by all accounts are constantly improving and growing; they are great listeners, give their employees praise and positive feedback and make sure they are getting paid fairly and given flexible scheduling and have many devoted employees and still end up with a bitter employee who quits because they believe they were treated badly!

I've seen excellent employees who are great at taking correction and making positive changes; who do their work at 120% and achieve all their goals -and then some. They take pride in their work and their peers, clients and other leaders in the company adore and depend on them -and still their boss hates them and fires them!

Guess what? It's not YOU, it's them. There are people who arrive in the improv of your life with a chip on their shoulder and no matter what you do, they are not pleased. No matter what the truth is, they will create their own story.

In these instance, all we can do is accept what has happened and move on as quickly and positively as possible. 

The sooner you can forgive and forget, the better off you'll be. 

Remember, forgiving does NOT mean hiring -or working for- that person ever again, it just means forgiving their behavior so you can move on with your own life in a positive way.

Ideas Without Actions Are Useless

Wow, THIS article hit me hard this morning when I read it. "Sorry, There Is No "Idea Guy" Position In The Game Industry"

I've learned that it isn't JUST the game industry where there are folks who want to be the "Idea Guy" -or Gal, it is everywhere in this big, old improv of life!

The ONE good thing, about this "Idea" person is that they actually realize that ideas are infinite and there are plenty of them.

The bad thing is that this type of person wants to take all the CREDIT for the good idea but not do any of the WORK to implement it!

The fact of the matter is:

GOOD IDEAS ARE HARD WORK TO IMPLEMENT!

I once volunteered at a non-profit where the ideas we were implementing were constantly thwarted by a self-proclaimed "idea" guy who wouldn't participate in any other way but to share his "ideas"! To make matters worse, he missed -or was late to- all our meetings. Then, criticized the "do-ers" AFTER an idea (that wasn't his) was implemented.  When asked why he didn't participate in the work necessary to keep the non-profit running, he told us his role was to come up with the ideas and not do the work. 

He didn't realize that having ideas isn't special at all. Making those ideas a REALITY is where the magic happens. THAT'S what's special, the DOING.

Really, I think the "Idea" person is just frightened that they might fail. If they don't do any work, then they can blame the failure of their idea on the people who did the work.

So, instead of ideating, go out and put your idea into action. If your idea doesn't work, try a new one!

MAKING MESSES

Ask any kid, making messes in the pursuit of creativity and play is fun! Waaaaaaay more fun than cleaning up afterwards.

"Moooooooom," our 11 year old yells down the stairs. "Can Jake and I build a foooooort in the living roooooom? Please? Mooooooom?"

"Only if you clean everything up before your father gets home from work."

"Ugh, forget it."

The fort is the fun. Pulling out every blanket in the house and flipping over the chairs and draping the furniture to create an awesome hidey-hole in which to act out stories and play is the fun.

Folding the blankets and replacing the furniture and making sure everything is back in order after the mess isn't "fun" but it is the responsible thing to do.  On that particular day, our son decided that the fun of building the fort wasn't worth the price of cleaning up afterwards.

Kids gleefully paint and splash and build forts and pull every outfit out of the closet playing dress-up. Which is as it should be. When creating, it is important to play freely and enjoy the art of the playing.

The next step is cleaning the mess. (If a baby can pull a toy OUT of a bin, they can be coached to put it BACK.)

Ooooh, that makes a lot of kids mad, doesn't it? Have you ever seen it?

But, good parents, teachers and leaders don't care if the kid gets mad. These adults realize that, in the improv of life, playing and making messes is worthwhile fun but the other half of creation lives in that space AFTER the fun.

Integrity lies in owning the "mess" and accepting the responsibility for what we've created.

WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' RULES . . . OR DO WE?

RULES

When I say that word, the people who hate rules scream, "Too many rules!"

"Screw the rules! Do whatever you want!" they chant.

But, in the improv of life, there are "rules" for everything.

Would it help if whenever you hear the word "rules", you think "parameters"?

Parameters are boundaries, they're guidelines.

Every. Single. Part. Of. Life. Adheres. To. Rules. Or. Parameters.

You can break them -or try to break them.

I'm grateful to the folks who created the airplanes in which we are able to fly to quickly get to other parts of the globe. These visionaries applied thought and different parameters to break the law of gravity.

I saw these: Images from Brickcon

If you click on the link, you'll see photos of amazing things that artists created out of Lego Blocks.

Lego blocks have rules. They have rigid, plastic parameters. Yet, artists create an endless array of amazing art pieces out of these rigid, rule-filled bricks.

Instead of screaming "no rules" and banging their heads against the IDEA of rules, the greatest artists instead sing, "I'll create within the rules, within the parameters."

I love that.

In your own personal life improv, are you stuck, repeatedly bashing your head against the rules? Or are you free, repeatedly using the rules to inspire you to express yourself?

WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO THAT LIFE RAFT?

You may be clinging to the past if you've ever uttered these words at work: "We tried that once and it didn't work."

You may be clinging to the past if you're still blaming your parents, your ex, your significant other or your 3rd grade teacher for anything that isn't working in your life today.

You may be clinging to the past if you believe your old dishwasher works when it really doesn't.

That's where I am today.

I  have to pre-wash the dishes before they go in, which absolutely defeats the purpose of having a dishwasher in the first place.

I'm happy to say that I (think) I'm  finally moving out of the denial phase and realizing that we either need to call our local repair guy or get a new dishwasher.

Because I'm an improviser, there are a zillion options, really, now that I've finally accepted life's offer of a broken dishwasher.

Onstage, doing an improv scene, it would've been much easier and much quicker. My scene partner might've said, "Honey this dishwasher isn't working. I've run the dishes through twice and they're still as dirty as they were before."

"You're right, " I'd answer, "It's time to call that repair man who worked his voodoo magic on our fridge last year."

Oh and the scene could move on quite nicely from there.

But, in the improv of life, it's often harder to accept what's happening and move forward.

As if our very existence depended up on it, we cling to beliefs, situations and people that are no longer necessary or are carrying us to unhappiness and danger.

Life rafts aren't intended to be lived upon. They are merely there until we can get to something better.

Some folks get on a life raft and paddle away, making slow progress towards the shore. They do what they can to survive until they finally reach dry land. Sometimes, these life rafts to which we cling are soooooo close to shore but we're so busy surviving on the raft, we don't even realize it. Everyone on dry land can see we're only in a few inches of water and if we'd just let go and stand up, we'd walk to the new opportunities right next to us! Once we finally stand up and slog those last few feet into shore, we feel amazing!! That's where I am with the dishwasher, I've been merely surviving instead of moving on to what I know needs to happen.

But, some people clamber onto that life raft of denial and think they're home free. They refuse to believe they're stuck in the sea and just try to live the way they always have. They ignore all warnings, refuse all offers for assistance as others watch helplessly as that life raft heads to deeper waters.

How many life rafts are supporting your denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into a new place?

In the improv of life, is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

I've seen people lose their jobs in a layoff because they'd spent the last 10 months refusing to use and/or learn a new way of doing something. They just bobbed along on their life raft, doing it the "old" way because they just wouldn't accept the new. Then when the life raft was ripped out from under them they were stunned to find themselves in a place they didn't like.

I've seen organizations push away eager volunteers and slowly spiral downward because too many folks refused to acknowledge that it was time to let go of one or two toxic people or the "old" way of doing things. One-by-one, new volunteers would come in, work to make positive changes, and leave when they realized that all their hard work was being undermined by that one person who'd been "a volunteer forever". The organization was clinging to the old times as the entire raft sank into the sea.

So, I've been breaking the rules. I've been blocking what life has offered by refusing to believe there's anything wrong with my dishwasher, even though it's been working like crap since the beginning of summer. That's the life raft to which I've been clinging.

I guess I'm clinging to the past because I really liked this dishwasher. We have a tiny house and we went to the trouble of special-ordering a smaller model than is usually sold in stores. I guess I'm clinging to the past and living in denial because it is going to cost me money and time.

But, when I look at the situation objectively, I see that the fact that its broken is costing me money and time, too. I'm wasting hot water (money) and standing there washing them by hand (time).

So, today, I'm accepting the offer that life has thrown. Time for a new dishwasher!

How many life rafts are supporting you denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into uncomfortable territory.

Is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

Choosing Avoidance

Don't ever think that ignoring a situation or doing nothing puts the responsibility for the results outside of yourself -or gives you the freedom to blame others for the results.

In fact, it is just the opposite.

Ignoring a situation or doing nothing is a definite choice in which you release your power and assume even more responsibility for the results (or consequences) of your inaction, whether you like it or not.

Performing improv quickly teaches us that we cannot control the offers that come our way; and that we sometimes might not even like an offer. However, we understand that our power and responsibility lies entirely in how we choose to respond and act on those offers. Accepting and acting on those offers is how two players balance the power and responsibility for a scene between each other.

An audience observing an improvised scene in which one player chooses to stop participating can easily see how both players started out sharing the power and responsibility to bring an enjoyable scene to the stage.

When one player gives up on the scene and stops doing anything the audience immediately notices the shift as the other partner assumes all the power in order to finish the scene. The audience also immediately understands that all responsibility for the lousy scene is firmly placed on the player who chose to do nothing.

All the same rules apply to the improv of life, only the stakes are higher.

We cannot control the situations that life offers us but, we have absolute power over the choices we make to respond to those situations.

If we want to maintain an equal balance of power and responsibility, we have to accept the situation and do something.

• If we ignore the leak in our tire, we are choosing to get a flat and assume all responsibility for being stranded someplace.
• If we do nothing about the vines growing up the side of our house, we are choosing to have our house damaged by invasive weeds and potentially becoming unlivable.
• If we ignore the warning signs, we are choosing to end up with health problems that could put us in the hospital, or worse.

As we choose to do nothing or ignore a situation that life offers us, the "audience" of family, friends and loved ones who circle around us are there, observing.

Even worse, one or more of the audience might have encouraged us to act, tried to help us, or warned us about the potential consequences of inaction but we chose to ignore those warnings, or lashed out in anger and pushed that person away.

Friends, we are always responsible for the results of our choices, and this responsibility is magnified when we choose to do nothing.

Always.

That's how the improv of life works.

5 Ways to Take Control of Your One-on-Ones

All stage improvisers love the magic that happens when there's great give and take in a scene. They also love the applause of the audience because it lets them know they're on the right track. The audience provides regular feedback on the performance.

Things are just the same in the improv of life.

Taking control of your one-on-one with your boss can lead to fabulous give and take; and if you're doing a good job you might even get some regular "applause" as well as consistent feedback on how you're doing!

Every good improviser understands the rules of the particular game they are playing when they step onstage. So, it just makes sense that in the improv of life you understand these basic rules to getting the most out of your one-on-ones.

Here are the three common reasons I've heard for people who avoid one-on-ones with their boss:

1. I work right next to my boss, we talk all day -there's nothing we need to discuss;
2. I have a great relationship with my boss, we're good friends, if there was anything wrong my boss would tell me;
3. I hate my boss, I don't want to spend any time alone with a person I hate.

To all three, I say this: 

You don't know what you don't know, it is highly unlikely that you will have the same boss forever and if you don't know how to sit down and manage a successful one-on-one now, then how will you do it later? Also, someday YOU might be the boss and you need to know what it takes to hold a successful one-on-one so why not get the practice NOW?? Besides, no one likes to find out at the end of the year that their "great boss" has had a complaint about their work for an entire year but saved it until the annual performance review to share -with a resultant "bad" rating!

1. SCHEDULE THE MEETING YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO

If your boss doesn't have a recurring one-on-one scheduled every week -or every other week- then take responsibility for the situation and schedule the time.

If you don't have a great relationship with your boss, or you don't get much "face time" this is a great way to build the relationship and get some uninterrupted time.

If you do have a great relationship with your boss, this is a way to build an even BETTER one.

THESE MEETINGS SHOULD BE 30 MINS AT THE MOST AND SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN A PRIVATE LOCATION SO YOU CAN BOTH SPEAK FREELY.

2. DON'T BE A "TIME THIEF", SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING

You're busy. Your boss is busy. If you save non-crucial things for your one-on-one I can guarantee it'll make your boss happier.  Think about it, there's nothing worse than a co-worker "popping in" all the time either in person or via IM with non-crucial stuff when you're trying to get something done.

You're a time-stealer if you keep popping in on your boss with those non-crucial items.

IF YOU SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING YOU SHOW YOUR BOSS THAT YOU VALUE THEIR TIME.

3. HAVE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN

Some bosses are great and have a regular structure to their one-on-ones. If that isn't the case for your boss, then come in with a plan. Even if it is a boss that you're good friends with, you need to get some concrete things discussed in the meeting. This person might not always be your boss and if you're in the habit of just chit-chatting in your one-on-ones you'll be woefully out of practice with a new boss.

Here are some sample topics to discuss in your one-on-ones:

• a) Ask if there are any new projects that are coming up that you could help with;
• b) Quickly share the status on your goals/projects;
• b) Ask any questions -or ask for help (if you need it);
• c) Ask these three questions:
• What am I currently doing that I should continue doing?
• What am I currently doing that I should stop doing?
• What am I not doing that I should start doing?

If your boss is vague or unclear, it is absolutely okay to say, "What does a successful outcome on this project look like?" Or say, "I want to be prepared for my annual review. If you have nothing I should stop/start/continue then I'm going to assume that I'm working at the top of my game and can expect highest rating at the end of the year."

If they still have nothing to say and you've been documenting all your meetings, you'll have plenty to fall back on during the dreaded annual review time (if your company still does performance reviews).

I once had an employee I coached who was completely confused about one of her annual goals. I suggested she go back to her next meeting and ask, "If I were to receive the highest rating possible on this goal, what would it look like? What exactly would I have done?"

When the boss couldn't answer that question, he removed it from her annual goals! In this way, she drilled down on all the vague goals he'd assigned her for the year until they were specific and had actionable steps that she could complete and then report in her one-on-ones. She was thrilled that year when, for the first time ever, she received the highest possible rating on all her goals.

IF YOU COME IN WITH A PLAN IT WILL NEVER BE A WASTE OF TIME.

4. FOLLOW UP AND DOCUMENT

• a) BRING A NOTEBOOK AND PEN AND TAKE NOTES DURING THE MEETING;
• b) If your boss had questions you couldn't answer, respond back within the next 12-24 hours;
• c) If your boss is the "forgetful" type, then a BRIEF email outlining what you discussed, what you promised to deliver, etc . . . is the best type of follow up;
• d) If your boss regularly cancels (without rescheduling) your one-one-ones, then attempt to reschedule it yourself;
• e) If your boss won't accept the reschedule, document that, too. Depending upon your situation, you can even respond with a BRIEF, respectful email outlining what you wanted to report/discuss in the meeting that was cancelled.

IF YOU DOCUMENT YOU CAN EASILY SHOW YOUR BOSSES' BOSS OR A NEW BOSS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. -OR- IN A WORST CASE SCENARIO SHOW HR THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO BY YOUR BOSS.

5. STICK TO IT

If you aren't regularly sitting down to one-on-ones with your boss it might seem awkward at first but stick to it, it gives you more control over your workplace and situation, no matter what it is. 

Some co-workers and bosses don't see the value in regular one-on-ones and see them as time-killers. And, guess what, they ARE time-killers if you aren't covering anything important -so make sure YOU are adding value to your one-on-ones.

Do you have any one-on-one success stories to share?

Do you have any one-on-one horror stories to share?

I always welcome comments that might help others!!

The Power of Generosity

True and purposeful generosity makes you strong.

When actors are improvising together, it is a true collaboration. The best scenes occur when each actor is generously creating situations for the other actor to do something that fits perfectly in their sweet spot. Scenes where both actors are building each other up -making each other look "good" - are a joy to perform and a joy for the audience to watch. Those scenes are a success.

That seems counterintuitive to a lot of people. A lot of people think that success involves climbing to the top through any means possible. A lot of people think the only way to do this is to make others look "bad".

Those folks see others in the same field or business as "competition" and cannot understand why anyone would go out of their way to make the competition look good.

To those people I'd kindly and respectfully ask, "How is that working for you? Do you really want to live there?"

I know I'd rather live in a place of generosity. I'd rather live in a place of abundance where the success of my colleague, neighbor or peer is only an reminder that such success is possible and a similar success can be mine.

In the improv of life, we gain confidence, strength and power from this purposeful generosity.

In the improv of life, when you live in purposeful generosity, you are living in a powerful world of abundance and possibility rather than a world of limits and "not enough to go around".

Please understand:

I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU SAY "YES" TO EVERY REQUEST OF YOUR TIME, MONEY OR TALENTS. 

I'm suggesting you practice continual, purposeful generosity and collaboration. I'm suggesting you take your precious time and if you are going to talk about others you do so to build them up for their "wins" rather than tear them down for their weaknesses.

I'm suggesting you delight in the success of others and if you can play a small part in that success with your purposeful generosity then you should do so.

What does purposeful generosity look like in the improv of life?

It looks like taking a few extra seconds to type a positive comment rather than just "liking" or retweeting in social media.

It looks like sitting down to coffee with someone who you genuinely like and sharing your knowledge or expertise.

It looks like teaching a new skill to someone who you genuinely like.

It looks like sharing a job posting, or an interesting article to someone who you think could genuinely use the information.

It looks like making time in your schedule for those who report directly to you by scheduling weekly one-to-ones. During these, make sure you take notes and follow up on what you promise to do.

It looks like taking the time to find out where your direct reports or volunteers feel they are most in their flow and finding opportunities to place them there.

It looks like publicly congratulating a colleague or peer for their successes.

It looks like sharing your "finds" and connecting talented people with one another.

It looks like being honest and saying "no" when you don't have the bandwidth to give anything but 100% on something.

What would you add to this list?

When Questions Should be Statements

Whenever I teach Sunday school, or teach performance classes, there's always THAT kid.

I'm talking about the kid who always says "no".

This is the kid who blocks everything.

I love that kid.

That kid keeps me on my toes.

That kid forces me to improvise even MORE creatively!

But, most importantly, THAT kid reminds me to

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS THAT ONLY HAVE ONE ANSWER!

(Just a note: I'm not talking about those teacher/student questions like: "On what day was FDR born?" I'm talking about those CONVERSATIONAL questions for which you expect a very specific response!)

When I ask something inane such as, "Who wants to try that again?" I expect a chorus of eager faces yelling an excited, "Yes!"

What I get is everyone in the class saying "Yes" except THAT kid, who's saying, "No."

Blocking.

Even worse, it's my own darned fault. I asked a question when I should've made a statement!

I always teach my improv students to make statements instead of asking questions but, sometimes I'm my own forgetful student!

So, I say a silent thank-you to THAT kid for blocking and then I turn it into a statement and say what I should've said in the FIRST place, "We are going to try that again."

Not a question. Simply a statement. And the kids try it again. Even THAT kid!

When I'm teaching improv, the reason I ask the class to refrain from asking questions is because it muddies up the communication.

In improv, when you turn a statement into a question, you give your POWER away. You've removed YOUR decision, YOUR choice and thrown it back to your scene partner.

I think most of us have had that wishy-washy boss who has created an art form out of turning statements-into-questions. That boss that leads you to believe that you have a choice and then you feel like a jerk when you give the "wrong" answer.

This leader asks,"Do you have time to work on that budget report today?" and you respond with a "I can't, actually. I'm finishing the Steven's proposal today. It's due at the end of the week."

Um. Yeah.

Then the leader backtracks and admits that it WASN'T REALLY A QUESTION.

What the leader really meant to say was, "I know we're slammed right now and that the Steven's proposal has been your main focus this week, however, I need the budget report completed today."

Okay. That's VERY clear. I'm going to get that budget report done.

I think that some of us ask questions all the time because it seems "nicer". It seems less demanding. It seems less bossy. But, sometimes we ARE the "boss" of a situation and we need to make the non-negotiables as clear as possible.

I know that some of you are afraid that if you only make statements you'll look like a demanding, bossy control freak.

I'm here to tell you that, in an improv scene it will create a great and very clear scene but, in the improv of life your fears are very real; you WILL look like a bossy control freak if you ONLY make statements!

You've got to throw in those questions, too! That's just the give-and-take of real relationships.

The key, my friends,  is knowing WHEN to make a statement and when to ask a question.

The only way you'll know when to make a statement and when to ask a question is after you've decided what IS and what ISN'T non-negotiable in the current situation.

So today, practice making statements on your non-negotables and do your best to only ask questions when you will genuinely act on any answer!

Don't Like Big "Buts" (And I Cannot Lie!)

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

How do you feel when someone begins a statement with any of those (or similar) phrases??

Most of us tense up and we brace ourselves for fight-or-flight.

Why?

Because we know that the words that follow ARE going to be unpleasant. Those words usually preface a sucker-punch to the psyche. 

Want to know something else? In the rules of improv and in the improv of life, as far as I'm concerned there's NO room for those big "buts". 

Every "but" is a block . Blocking stops the action. Blocks prevent forward momentum.

It has been my experience in life that MOST of the people with all the "buts" are the ones who are also trying very hard to gossip, boss, bully, control or "pull rank".

None of it is pleasant, none of it is pretty.

So,what do we do? 

I say, PRACTICE now with your responses! Improvisers practice. Musicians practice. Artists practice. In fact, all creative endeavors require practice and YOUR LIFE is the most creative endeavor of them all.

So, here are some responses I've practiced for those moments when people throw their "buts" around . . . 

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . . 

• WAIT! Just so you know, you won't be able to take back the hurtful thing you're going to say, do you really want to continue?

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

• NOW is your opportunity to avoid that by not saying whatever rude thing it is that you were planning on saying.

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

• You WILL be mean if you have to and obviously right now is one of those times. C'mon, hit me with your best shot. I can take it.

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

• WAIT! I'm already offended. Please continue, I can't wait to see how much more offended I'm going to feel after you say what you've been planning to say!

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

• You feel COMPELLED to do so. I know, I know, it's for my own good. Just be advised that my feelings MIGHT get hurt and at that point I won't want to say anything that comes out of my mouth but I might not be able to control myself. 

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

• It's for my own good, right? You're going to say something mean and hurtful to help me become a better person because you see some great flaw in my character. Okay. Bring it on. I've braced myself.

Hee hee.

Here's the homework assignment, get out your pencils and write out your own response to those statements. Then practice your responses in the mirror. Have a good laugh. Oh, and make sure you aren't throwing any big "buts" around -those things are a sure way to block meaningful conversation!

To Change, or Not to Change -That is the Question

I just read an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on changing the environment around decision making.

In the improv of life, I'm a HUGE fan of shaking things up and I found a lot of these ideas to be spot-on.

Especially the comments on bringing new people into your organization.

The author suggests, A better approach starts by asking newcomers a simple question: "Who are you when you are at your very best?" (Rather than asking new hires to sit through a static presentation on "how we do things here" and then setting them to task immediately.)

Click HERE to read the full article.

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

The Dirty Little Secret No One Talks About at Work

One of the dirty little secrets about leaders in your organization is that some are deeply in debt.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an expensive business.

Outward trappings of wealth are not indicators of genuine wealth.

Debt causes fear.

If there seems to be NO reason why your leader isn't speaking up for what's right, that leader MIGHT be coming from a place of fear that they'll lose their job (and their 6-figure income) if they speak up.

So, what do YOU do if your VP who drives the BMW to work on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and drives the Mercedes on Tuesday and Thursday; lives in a mansion on the lake; and leaves the office each Friday to network with the Big Cheese is also allowing the Big Cheese - the CEO- to run amok and create chaos within your department?

Well, my friends, in the improv of life, there's only one thing to do.

 "Yes, and . . ."

"Yes, and . . ." means accepting what IS and adding to it with your reaction.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want but, you cannot change your leader. (Trust me on this, I've tried changing people and have learned it's like hitting my head repeatedly on a brick wall. It just leaves me battered and frustrated.)

You can only accept that there is SOMETHING that causes them fear, that is preventing them from standing up for their team. After you accept the "offer" in this particular improvisation, you have the power to ADD your own response.

Your own response is your super-power in the situation.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by moving to another department -or another company.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by squaring up your own finances so you don't act out of fear, too.

You might "Yes, and . . ." by doing your best work DESPITE your leader's human failings.

There are infinite "Yes, and . . ." responses.

I suggest choosing the one that gives you CONFIDENCE in overcoming/dealing with/changing your own personal situation.

I know that when I was in a situation where everyone seemed to be kowtowing to the CEO, I quietly chose to do the best I could in the situation and behind the scenes was working VERY hard to pay off our mortgage so I could leave the situation when the time was right for me.

So, if you suspect that your leader has a dirty little secret that is preventing them from being a truly great leader, how are you going to choose to "Yes, and . . ." today??

P.S. A great book to read on the subject of the APPEARANCE of wealth versus GENUINE wealth is "The Millionaire Next Door". 

Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

If You Build It . . . (5 Ways to Keep Motivated if they DON'T come)

I love movies.

Movies are shadow and illusion and what-might-be played out on the big screen. I can't resist!

Dialogue from movies STICKS in our collective consciousness.

The #39 top movie quote of all time is "If you build it, he will come."

This earworm is MY pick for the most dangerous movie quote of all time.

We glass-half-full creatives HEAR that quote as "If you build it, THEY will come."

That quote is in many artistic brains as we create something new, risky and daring.

That quote propels us hopefully onward.

But, this optimist is here to tell you, life isn't like the movies.

Even documentaries aren't real life, they are a filmmaker's version of what happened.

In the improv of life, the truth is this: If you build it . . . they might NOT come.

Even if you created something amazingly awesome.

They might not see your show.

They might not buy your art.

They might not want your music.

They might not SEEM to want any part of that creative thing you do.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE UP!

It just means you need to have a PLAN for those times when people don't see your show; buy your art or listen to your music.

If you must, allow yourself to have a 30 minute pity-party (set a timer). Then let it go and do something to keep you moving onward and upward!!

Here are five things you can do to keep motivated:

1. HAVE A LAUGH.
Browse through the website One Hundred Famous Rejections to read about all the very famous, well-loved authors who've been rejected. It's affirming to realize that others can often be WRONG about talent and art!

2. BRAINSTORM
Grab a piece of paper and write down 100 or more things you could do differently with your creative work. Brainstorm for quantity -not quality. Get silly. Get serious. Set the list aside for a day, then look at it the next day and highlight the ideas that just might work. Then, get to work.

3. DO SOMETHING NEW
But stay creative. If you're a musician, try painting. If you're a painter, try music. Anything to keep the creativity going but without the pressure of having to "be great".

4.  TAKE A BREATHER
Put your art aside for a day or two. Scrub your toilets, weed the garden, wash the dog -any physical labor that takes you away from your studio or creative space.

5. COLLABORATE
Find a friend who does something in your field and join forces. Just for fun. You'll both remind each other that you do great work.

Do you have anything YOU do to keep motivated? Please comment and share!!

I Trusted You

Just around bedtime, our son confessed that he had gotten called into the office at school!

What? Our empathetic, sweet boy?

Turns out our angel was playing a version of "so-and-so has cooties" game.

Hmmm.

That led to a discussion about treating people kindly. He told us that this person was a friend and that he'd apologized and that they were "good" now.

Really?

The hubby and I pointed out that he'd better re-examine how he behaved with friends and explained that he'd destroyed the trust in their relationship.

Ultimately, we told him he was going to have to work very hard to build back the original TRUST of this person. 

And, like any typical nearly-ten-year-old boy would, he rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and left the room once we'd shared our wisdom!

In the improv of life, trust is crucial.

I remind my improv students all the time, that an "offer" made to purposely make a scene partner uncomfortable isn't the way to play the game.

It's not fun.

In real life it isn't fun, either.

What's the old saying?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Good improv -like good friendships- builds on the strengths of a scene partner, not their discomfort.

Today, I challenge you to only do "scenes" where you build up and strengthen those you interact with.

Remember, it's easy to tear things apart. It is far more creative to build UP.

Does This Scene Really Need YOU?

When I worked at Walt Disney World, we did 5 shows a day, 5 days a week of interactive comedy improv. It was exhausting in the most creative way possible! The work required a lot of brain power and some days, it was harder than others to come up with new ideas for creating a fresh improv or interaction.

On those days, it was so TEMPTING to hang back, watch fellow cast members and just jump into a successful scene that they were doing.

But, it was always a mistake.

That unwelcome and unnecessary addition to the scene interrupted the flow and pissed off the performers who were rudely interrupted while on a roll, rocking a great moment.

Believe me, you'd hear about it in the break room later and those meddling souls who did it enough were eventually avoided by their fellow performers. (And those were the folks who usually only lasted in the cast for a year at most. No one wants someone continually messing up their flow!)

In the improv of life, it is an equally bad idea to jump into a "scene" that isn't yours. At best, you might be labeled as a meddler or busybody. At worst, you could cause genuine harm.

Deciding to jump into a life scene is a little like approaching a train crossing. Just because the crossing gate is UP doesn't always indicate it is safe to proceed. First, you must stop, look, and listen by asking yourself some questions:

1. Am I the person directly responsible for the outcome?

2. Did anyone INVITE me into the scene?

3. Will someone be injured -or worse- if I don't step in?

If you cannot answer yes to at least one of those questions then it is not your "scene". In fact, your involvement will only confuse the plot -or drag out a scene beyond its natural conclusion.

Just because you're AWARE of a scene going on doesn't mean you need to jump into it. In fact, I think that most overwhelmed or stressed people are involving themselves in scenes that they shouldn't have known about in the first place. If you acting on gossip or second-hand information then you're meddling in scenes that aren't your own.

Just because you WITNESS a scene doesn't mean you need to jump into it. That project at work might seem cool and you want to be on the team that's winning but just being witness to something isn't an invitation to participate in it. Unless someone specifically asks for your involvement or advice why not just congratulate the people who are doing a great job and leave it at that?

If you cannot control yourself, at the very least ASK if you can jump in. (And don't pout if the answer is "No".)

Just because you WANT to be involved doesn't mean you need to jump into something feet first. I'm thinking specifically about people who come upon a scene of negative behavior in public and feel compelled to step in to "correct" someone.

In that case, you are jumping into a scene in the most dangerous way possible. Unless someone is in harm's way, leave it alone.

Today, I encourage you to only join the scenes that are yours. You are a creative being. Create your own scenes. I'm positive it will make your life less stressful and much happier.

How to be Brave

One of the fallacies about improvisation is that you're just doing something off the top of your head and that there's no PRACTICE involved. But, in reality, to get really great at improv, you have to practice constantly.

The same goes for scenes in your life.

Some of my most proud moments are when I got out of my rut and reacted DIFFERENTLY to a scenario that had repeated itself in the past.

I tried a different "yes, and . . . "

That is my definition of bravery.

I firmly believe that one of the bravest things you can do for yourself is not believe everything another person decides about you.

I had a dream about my old boss last night. My last boss at my last corporate job.

This is a person and I did not "click". I have no recollection of any of our real-life improvs going well. I  didn't really "get" her and I could sense that she really didn't "get" me. That sense became a reality when one day, she said to me, in all sincerity, "Michele, I don't see you as being very creative."

One of my core values. One of my key words is "creativity".

So her opinion of me cut me deeply. I have no idea what she said in the rest of that conversation. It ended shortly after those words were spoken and I went back to my cubicle and replayed those words in me head on a constant loop for the remainder of the day.

"How could she think that?" I screamed in my head. This woman was the ONE person in my life's sea of people, the only person EVER who had ever flat-out told me she didn't think I was creative.

I got mad. I got mad in the way I get mad when someone threatens my children. Mama bear reared up on her haunches and was ready to fight.

Then, it hit me. I didn't need to "yes, and. . . ." in the same way I usually did when someone decided something about me that hurt and felt wrong.

I realized that I didn't have to agree WITH HER opinion of me and take it as my own.

I realized that I only had to agree that it WAS her opinion and respond to that.

So instead of agreeing to be uncreative and working through the "scene" to change her opinion of me, I agreed that her opinion of me was different and then decided I couldn't work for a person like that.

I decided that my self-worth was far more important than the paycheck. My self-worth was far more important than spending any more time working for someone who's opinion of me was so vastly different than anyone else's had been.

I challenge you to be BRAVE this week.

I challenge you to play out a different "yes, and . . ." and see where it takes you!

SAFETY ADVISORY: I am not encouraging you to quit your job! I am encouraging you to respond to a frustrating/painful life situation in a different way to see if you feel better after the scenario has played out. Read QUITTER by Jon Acuff to prepare your life and finances BEFORE you take any drastic changes!