WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO THAT LIFE RAFT?

You may be clinging to the past if you've ever uttered these words at work: "We tried that once and it didn't work."

You may be clinging to the past if you're still blaming your parents, your ex, your significant other or your 3rd grade teacher for anything that isn't working in your life today.

You may be clinging to the past if you believe your old dishwasher works when it really doesn't.

That's where I am today.

I  have to pre-wash the dishes before they go in, which absolutely defeats the purpose of having a dishwasher in the first place.

I'm happy to say that I (think) I'm  finally moving out of the denial phase and realizing that we either need to call our local repair guy or get a new dishwasher.

Because I'm an improviser, there are a zillion options, really, now that I've finally accepted life's offer of a broken dishwasher.

Onstage, doing an improv scene, it would've been much easier and much quicker. My scene partner might've said, "Honey this dishwasher isn't working. I've run the dishes through twice and they're still as dirty as they were before."

"You're right, " I'd answer, "It's time to call that repair man who worked his voodoo magic on our fridge last year."

Oh and the scene could move on quite nicely from there.

But, in the improv of life, it's often harder to accept what's happening and move forward.

As if our very existence depended up on it, we cling to beliefs, situations and people that are no longer necessary or are carrying us to unhappiness and danger.

Life rafts aren't intended to be lived upon. They are merely there until we can get to something better.

Some folks get on a life raft and paddle away, making slow progress towards the shore. They do what they can to survive until they finally reach dry land. Sometimes, these life rafts to which we cling are soooooo close to shore but we're so busy surviving on the raft, we don't even realize it. Everyone on dry land can see we're only in a few inches of water and if we'd just let go and stand up, we'd walk to the new opportunities right next to us! Once we finally stand up and slog those last few feet into shore, we feel amazing!! That's where I am with the dishwasher, I've been merely surviving instead of moving on to what I know needs to happen.

But, some people clamber onto that life raft of denial and think they're home free. They refuse to believe they're stuck in the sea and just try to live the way they always have. They ignore all warnings, refuse all offers for assistance as others watch helplessly as that life raft heads to deeper waters.

How many life rafts are supporting your denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into a new place?

In the improv of life, is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

I've seen people lose their jobs in a layoff because they'd spent the last 10 months refusing to use and/or learn a new way of doing something. They just bobbed along on their life raft, doing it the "old" way because they just wouldn't accept the new. Then when the life raft was ripped out from under them they were stunned to find themselves in a place they didn't like.

I've seen organizations push away eager volunteers and slowly spiral downward because too many folks refused to acknowledge that it was time to let go of one or two toxic people or the "old" way of doing things. One-by-one, new volunteers would come in, work to make positive changes, and leave when they realized that all their hard work was being undermined by that one person who'd been "a volunteer forever". The organization was clinging to the old times as the entire raft sank into the sea.

So, I've been breaking the rules. I've been blocking what life has offered by refusing to believe there's anything wrong with my dishwasher, even though it's been working like crap since the beginning of summer. That's the life raft to which I've been clinging.

I guess I'm clinging to the past because I really liked this dishwasher. We have a tiny house and we went to the trouble of special-ordering a smaller model than is usually sold in stores. I guess I'm clinging to the past and living in denial because it is going to cost me money and time.

But, when I look at the situation objectively, I see that the fact that its broken is costing me money and time, too. I'm wasting hot water (money) and standing there washing them by hand (time).

So, today, I'm accepting the offer that life has thrown. Time for a new dishwasher!

How many life rafts are supporting you denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into uncomfortable territory.

Is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

Don't Like Big "Buts" (And I Cannot Lie!)

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

How do you feel when someone begins a statement with any of those (or similar) phrases??

Most of us tense up and we brace ourselves for fight-or-flight.

Why?

Because we know that the words that follow ARE going to be unpleasant. Those words usually preface a sucker-punch to the psyche. 

Want to know something else? In the rules of improv and in the improv of life, as far as I'm concerned there's NO room for those big "buts". 

Every "but" is a block . Blocking stops the action. Blocks prevent forward momentum.

It has been my experience in life that MOST of the people with all the "buts" are the ones who are also trying very hard to gossip, boss, bully, control or "pull rank".

None of it is pleasant, none of it is pretty.

So,what do we do? 

I say, PRACTICE now with your responses! Improvisers practice. Musicians practice. Artists practice. In fact, all creative endeavors require practice and YOUR LIFE is the most creative endeavor of them all.

So, here are some responses I've practiced for those moments when people throw their "buts" around . . . 

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . . 

• WAIT! Just so you know, you won't be able to take back the hurtful thing you're going to say, do you really want to continue?

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

• NOW is your opportunity to avoid that by not saying whatever rude thing it is that you were planning on saying.

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

• You WILL be mean if you have to and obviously right now is one of those times. C'mon, hit me with your best shot. I can take it.

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

• WAIT! I'm already offended. Please continue, I can't wait to see how much more offended I'm going to feel after you say what you've been planning to say!

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

• You feel COMPELLED to do so. I know, I know, it's for my own good. Just be advised that my feelings MIGHT get hurt and at that point I won't want to say anything that comes out of my mouth but I might not be able to control myself. 

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

• It's for my own good, right? You're going to say something mean and hurtful to help me become a better person because you see some great flaw in my character. Okay. Bring it on. I've braced myself.

Hee hee.

Here's the homework assignment, get out your pencils and write out your own response to those statements. Then practice your responses in the mirror. Have a good laugh. Oh, and make sure you aren't throwing any big "buts" around -those things are a sure way to block meaningful conversation!

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

Why Your Brainstorming Sucks (And How You Can Fix It!)

"It'll never work."

"We've done that before and it didn't work."

"Yes, but . . ."

"That's stupid."

"NO."

"Get real."

"I'm just playing devil's advocate here."

"No offense, but . . ."

If you're the person who says any of these things during a brainstorming session then your brainstorming style sucks and I can guarantee that most of the folks in the room don't like brainstorming with you.

In improv, we have a word for comments like those. We call that BLOCKING.

Blocking violates all the rules of improv.

Blocking stops the action and in many cases it is impossible to recover the scene.

In a brainstorming session, when people are supposed to be coming up with creative ideas to solve a problem (or create a new product or service). It will also stop the action.

If you're facilitating a brainstorming meeting and you allow any of those comments to be said in your meeting without "calling" the person(s) making those types of comments on their behavior then your brainstorming session sucks and no one likes brainstorming with you.

WARNING: If the person doing the blocking is the boss, or some other high-status authority figure, and you're been given the impossible task of  "facilitating" such a session, you may as well just cancel the catered lunch, pack up the white board markers and end the meeting because after a few blocking comments from the boss everyone is going to clam up.

Put your creativity to better use by figuring out a creative way to AVOID attending a "brainstorming session" demanded by such a person!

I'm particularly saddened whenever I've attended a meeting and the high-status-person-in-charge says, "I need some really great ideas now, folks," and the first person brave enough to open their mouth is blocked with a withering, "Get serious, I'm looking for GOOD ideas." Ouch. 


Let's get things straight right now, a brainstorming session should be a fun, sky's-the-limit-we-can-do-anything time. The Brainstorming GROUND RULES are pretty simple:

1. Everyone must "Yes, and . . ." to generate more ideas than you'll ever use; and, 
2. Everyone must defer judgment (negative comments) on any and all ideas that are spoken, shouted, sung, doodled, danced or delivered in any other manner.

There will be time LATER to pull out the most promising ideas and look at them critically to see if they will work given the time, talent and resources available in your company.

Isn't it better to have 100 (or 1000 or 10,000!) ideas to chose from rather than 10? If you block the action then you've limited the potential of what can be accomplished.

Here's the truth, the really AMAZING idea

-the idea that will be a game-changer for your industry-

is never the first idea!

And it probably wasn't even one idea, it was probably a patchwork of smaller ideas that were created during a really great session where everyone was using the rules of improv to make magic.

If you allow blocking to occur, then you've limited the POTENTIAL of what could be.

Here's a sample brainstorming session. This is the group's first meeting, they've been tasked with updating the employee kitchen/break room. Right now, there's no budget and no limits. They have a generous 3 weeks to go from brainstorming to presenting a plan to upper management.

Chris: Oooh, let's paint the cabinets white!

Pat: Yes, and replace those lousy knobs with sturdier handles!

Sam: Yes, and I think it'd be fun to pull the doors off some of the cabinets so we can see all the cool coffee cups that everyone uses!

Chris: Yes, and . . . let's . . .

Blocker: Just playing devil's advocate here, white cabinets will always be dirty and we don't have the budget to replace the handles . . .  

Sam: Yes, and . . . we'll, uh, re-chrome the existing handles

Chris: Yes! And, instead of painting, we'll have the cabinets deep-cleaned and . . .

Blocker: I hate to break it to you but we deep-cleaned them a year ago before some of you started working here and they still look like crap.

Pat: Okay, let's forget the cabinets and think about the floor, I've heard that cork is an eco-friendly way to go . . 

Sam:  Yes, and you can get it in cool patterns, we could have our company logo put into the floor!

Blocker: No offense but what is that going to COST, I bet it'll take the entire budget the cheapskates in accounting will give us.

Chris: Okay, let's forget the floor, how about replacing the coffee maker with a beer tap!
Pat: (laughing) Yes, and put in a wine cooler!
Sam: Yes, and a Keurig machine! That way people will always be able to get fresh coffee when they want it.

Blocker: Stop being ridiculous! A beer keg and wine cooler would violate policy! And if you put in a Keurig how will you ever provide thermoses of coffee at meetings then?

Pat: Okay, what do you think we should do?

Blocker: I don't know. I thought you'd come up with better ideas.

Arghghghgh! We've all had our fair share of frustrating "brainstorming" meetings like this, haven't we? Not a single idea was fully explored because the blocker stopped every line of thought. People got silly for a minute with the beer tap but it generate a do-able idea regarding the Keurig machine. For a while, people gamely tried to plow ahead but that blocker was able to kill every idea before it was barely uttered.

Who knows where any of these ideas would've gone? We'll never know, but the white paint idea might've spurred further ideas of cool paint ideas (chalkboard paint, glow in the dark, etc) or the idea of removing the cabinets all together or . . . the sky's the limit when no one stops the flow of ideas.

I ask all you "blockers" -and the meeting facilitators that allow it to occur:

Do you really want your team to limit the potential of what you could create?

Here are the ways to STOP blocking creativity during brainstorming and idea generation:

1. If you're the blocker:

Remember the adage, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Your services will be required -and appreciated- when it is time to move onto the next phase in the process. That next phase requires everyone to review the ideas that were generated and to think critically and realistically about implementing the most promising of those ideas.

If you're having a difficult time controlling your criticism, make sure each comment out of your mouth begins with these two words: "Yes, and . . . " 

You might intend to be helpful and you might THINK that you're comments are helpful.  But, no one can read your mind, they don't know your intent and will only feel the impression you give as you speak.

These are some impressions that your blocking is giving others:

• You're giving the impression that you're AFRAID; frightened of change or scared to try something new. ("That'll never work.) 

• You're giving the impression that you're stuck in the past -or worse- a show-off reminding the room of your superior seniority/experience/status. ("We've done that before and it didn't work.")

• You're giving the impression that you don't know how to come up with ideas or don't want to collaborate. ("Yes, but . . .)

• You're giving the impression that you're a control freak who is afraid to lose any status or power. ("That's stupid." "NO." "Get real.")

• You're giving the impression that you're unsupportive or limited in your thinking. ("I'm just playing devil's advocate here.")

• You're giving the impression that you're someone who always needs to be right at any cost. ("No offense, but . . .")

WARNING: If -after someone "calls" you on your blocking or negative comments- you then stop talking, refusing to speak even when asked a direct question, all while rolling your eyes and sighing deeply and indicating with your body language that you think everyone else in the room is an absolute idiot. You are STILL blocking.

2. If you're the facilitator:

It is your RESPONSIBILITY to teach the ground rules; give participants permission to "call blocking" on negative comments; and, separate brainstorming sessions from implementation sessions and to make that CLEAR to all participants prior to the meeting which type of session they are attending.

• I highly advise you have at least two brainstorming session before you even begin to think about looking at any of the ideas critically. I also advise giving all participants the opportunity to add to the ideas AFTER the session for at least 24- or 48- hours;

• Don't believe for a moment that you'll be able to come up with ideas AND decide which to implement in the same session. Some of the best ideas might come to your participants while they're on a lunch (or bathroom!) break, or while they're driving home from work;

• If there's absolutely NO way the powers-that-be will allow you more time for brainstorming versus critical thinking, have a long lunch break before bringing the group back to look at all the ideas and decide which to implement;

It is your responsibility, as the facilitator to stop any blocking immediately. 

If you've already set the ground rules and someone blocks, you immediately (and kindly) say something like. . .

"You've just blocked the last idea. Just for fun, how would you expand on that idea instead?"

Or, "That is a comment for our critical thinking/implementation phase, right now we're just trying to come up with as many ideas as possible."

Or, "When you crossed your arms, rolled your eyes and grunted at Pat's last idea it gave us the impression you didn't like it, is that the impression you wanted to give? Because if it is, that's just as bad as verbally blocking. Remember we are accepting all ideas right now. There are no good or bad ideas at this phase in the game."

The idea isn't to embarrass the "blocker" but to redirect that person so the ideas can continue to flow.

Have you ever blocked during a brainstorming session?

Why?

Have you ever witnessed blocking during a brainstorming session?

How did you (or the facilitator) handle it?