Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

Basic Conversation 101: Creepy versus Not Creepy

When I ask new students at my improv for non actors class what skills they want to take away, many of them say they just want to improve their conversational skills. And, guess what!? I have exercises for that.

In fact THIS past Wednesday night it came up. I didn't get THIS far into it, but, driving home, I thought about the creepy versus not creepy factor in conversations. So, since I didn't get a chance to share it with the class, I thought I'd share it with YOU, dear readers!

As I teach my improv students, "A scene is enhanced by specifics," so, I'll be specific.

Creepy covers all sorts of things but mostly they fall into these categories.

1.  REFERRING TO SOMEONE'S APPEARANCE OR PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES IF YOU'VE JUST MET THEM -OR BARELY KNOW THEM. 

You look sexy in that dress. Creepy.

What a great dress. Not creepy.

You look tired, too much going on at night? Wink. Nudge. Creepy.

How is your day going? Not creepy.

(Said to a pregnant woman) When is that baby gonna pop? Creepy
You seem happy. Not creepy.

I want to (fill in the blank)  John in accounting. Creepy.
I have a crush on John in accounting. Less creepy.
Silence. Not creepy.

Commenting on someone's physical appearance is dicey, even if you do know them. But, if you barely know them. Just drop that subject.

2. TOO MUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION TOO SOON -ESPECIALLY IF IT IS VIOLENT OR SEXUAL IN NATURE.

When I was a kid, I fantasized about killing my parents with a baseball bat while they slept. CREEPY.
I didn't have a great childhood. Not creepy. 

This is stuff you share MAYBE with a close confidant. Not a casual acquaintance.

3. INAPPROPRIATE OR UNEXPECTED EMOTION

Crying while discussing a pet that is alive and well just because you love that pet SOOOOO much. Creepy.
Calmly discussing a pet that is alive and well. Not creepy.

This is similar to too much information. Crying or laughing or other emotional outbursts that don't fit the topic will always have the effect of making your conversation partner uncomfortable.

4. COMMENTS THAT HAVE NO RELATION TO WHAT WAS JUST SAID.

You: Nice job with the Winston presentation!
CoWorker: I'm going to Spain next month. Creepy.

You: Nice job with the Winston presentation!
CoWorker: Thanks, that one was touch and go but I made it! Not Creepy.

This behavior makes people think you aren't listening! Our son used to just blurt out the word "pizza" when he was uncomfortable. It was darned frustrating to have a conversation with him when he did that, let me tell you. He's stopped that behavior (thank goodness) but some adults do similar in conversation and then wonder why they can't connect!

5. ASSUMING FAMILIARITY AND/OR "SELLING".

(Said within 5 minutes of meeting)
You and me should be best friends? You should come over and meet the wife and kids. When are you free? Tonight? Have you ever heard of Amway? I can tell you'd be JUST the type of gal who'd love it! Creepy.
It was great talking with you. Not creepy.

Even dropping the Amway sales pitch from the previous scenario, when you make quick assumptions or get too familiar with people they instantly activate their heat shields and step away.

6. PUNS OR WISECRACKS ON THE LITERAL MEANINGS OF A WORD SOMEONE SPEAKS-ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE IN ANY WAY SEXUAL IN NATURE

You, in reference to an event you plan to attend: I'll be coming
CoWorker: That's what she said. Creepy.

These types of "jokes" makes people think you aren't listening but, instead waiting for "cue" words to make your groaner joke.

7. ACTIVELY NOT LISTENING (Thanks to my friend, Alora, for this one!)

Let me stop you right there. Creepy.
Tell me more. Not creepy.

Unless you can -with 100% accuracy- read someone's mind, it is rude and disrespectful to ASSUME that you know what they are going to say.

This list is FAR from complete. Part of conversing is LISTENING and watching VISUAL cues from your conversation partner. If they look visibly uncomfortable, you might've just gone into "creepy" territory. Best bet then, is to say, "Oh, I think I may have put my foot into my mouth. I'm sorry."

Each conversation is a scene you are acting out with another person. Keep it light, keep it fun (without trying to "be funny") when you first meet someone and you'll have a greater chance at success.

 will continue this series! My next topic will HOW to start a conversation, when to KEEP up a conversation and gracefully EXITING a conversation!