Without Listening

I had a friend comment that he saw a show full of very talented actors that missed the mark because everyone onstage appeared to be waiting for their next line and not really listening to each other.

The first thing that popped into my head were the words "Acting without listening is just showing off." Then, I thought about how that statement could be applied to just about any situation on- or off- stage!

I think that type of non-listening is even worse in an improvised scene. When someone is watching improv, they are listening to understand.

Now, technically, all improv actors onstage should also be listening to understand, but some actors just miss that mark.

If an actor misses a crucial bit of information given by someone onstage, the audience knows instantly that actor is just waiting for a "turn" to show off.

Improvisers call this non-listening behavior "steamrolling".

In "real life", people who are listening for their "turn" are usually waiting to:

• Show off,
• Establish their status,
• Demonstrate their high level of skill,
• Dictate,
• Lecture
• Push their own agenda; or - worst of all,
• Make a joke

No one wants to work onstage with a steamroller and in the improv of our daily life, no one wants to live with, work with, or play with a steamroller.

Just as an audience can tell if you aren't really paying attention, people in your life can tell if you aren't really paying attention. 

Listening for your "turn" to speak isn't really listening at all. And, it is very irritating for all those around you.

Take heart, though, the "active listening" muscle can be developed and the first step in that direction is making a conscious decision to listen for understanding, rather than waiting for your turn to "show off"!

I wish I know who first said "Argue as if you're right. Listen as if you're wrong" because I love that idea. Personally, I think more people need to take that advice to heart and the world might be less divisive.

Does your team need training in active listening? I have a workshop for that! Email micheleruth@hotmail.com for more information.

Letting Go of Those Who Are Depleting You

When performing with other improvisers, there are some folks who are exhausting to work with. These are the improvisers who follow the rules of improv - but only barely.

These are the improvisers who make you work extra hard to keep the scene on track.

After the scene you don't feel good about the encounter.  You feel exhausted.

In the improv of life, there are people in our world like that, too.

In fact if you paused for one moment you could probably name at least 3 - 5 folks who, after spending time with them you are ready for a nap because their behavior leaves you feeling exhausted!

(And before we judge, remember, we might be that person in someone else's life!)

Here's the truth: you cannot change someone else's behavior. But, you can change how much TIME you spend with that person.

If you have "friends", family members, co-workers or bosses who exhibit one or more of these behaviors, you might want to reconsider their place in your life and how much time you devote to them.

1. SILENT TREATMENT -this behavior is exhibited by a person who refuses to talk with you or gives short, one-word answers. When you ask what is wrong, they say, "Nothing," or "You should KNOW." Nope. I don't know a single mind-reader. This behavior is offensive and manipulative.
2. NEVER-ENDING CRITICISM - this behavior is exhibited by folks who never have anything nice to say. They criticize everything you do (and criticize your other friends behind their backs). This behavior is an attempt to diminish and demean. Nothing, more, nothing less. People who are enriching your life build you up and offer advice and correction but never tear-you-down criticism.
3. BAD BREAKUPS -this behavior is exhibited by folks who never leave a relationship on a good note, whether it be a job, a relationship or a friendship.  In these breakups, they are always the victim, the slighted one, the one mistreated (according to them). Beware, it is only a matter of time until they find some reason you've wronged them, too.
4. TAKING OFFENSE - this behavior is exhibited by folks who are continually "offended" by everyone around them. You find yourself walking on eggshells -considering your words carefully- whenever you're around them because one slip up and they'll let you know for days, weeks, months how you mistreated them. Even worse, people who behave this way often have an uncanny way of taking offense at that thing you did in an effort to be nice or help them in some way.
5. FALLING OUTSIDE THE "REASONABLE PERSON" STANDARD -this behavior is exhibited by over-reaction to what a "reasonable person" wouldn't be bothered by. In a court of law, we ask if a reasonable person would be offended, or react to a certain scenario. This behavior usually goes hand-in-hand with "taking offense".

Past behavior indicates future behavior. If you feel "lucky" because your friend, family member, co-worker or boss hasn't exhibited any of these behaviors with you, it's really only a matter of time.

If you spend ANY time wondering where you stand with a friend, feeling guilty but not understanding why or apologizing for something that wouldn't have upset a reasonable person I suggest you move away from that relationship.

In the instances of workplace relationships, you should always be polite but don't let these people into your circle of friends.

Do you have any more behaviors to add to my list?

To Change, or Not to Change -That is the Question

I just read an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on changing the environment around decision making.

In the improv of life, I'm a HUGE fan of shaking things up and I found a lot of these ideas to be spot-on.

Especially the comments on bringing new people into your organization.

The author suggests, A better approach starts by asking newcomers a simple question: "Who are you when you are at your very best?" (Rather than asking new hires to sit through a static presentation on "how we do things here" and then setting them to task immediately.)

Click HERE to read the full article.

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

The Dirty Little Secret No One Talks About at Work

One of the dirty little secrets about leaders in your organization is that some are deeply in debt.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an expensive business.

Outward trappings of wealth are not indicators of genuine wealth.

Debt causes fear.

If there seems to be NO reason why your leader isn't speaking up for what's right, that leader MIGHT be coming from a place of fear that they'll lose their job (and their 6-figure income) if they speak up.

So, what do YOU do if your VP who drives the BMW to work on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and drives the Mercedes on Tuesday and Thursday; lives in a mansion on the lake; and leaves the office each Friday to network with the Big Cheese is also allowing the Big Cheese - the CEO- to run amok and create chaos within your department?

Well, my friends, in the improv of life, there's only one thing to do.

 "Yes, and . . ."

"Yes, and . . ." means accepting what IS and adding to it with your reaction.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want but, you cannot change your leader. (Trust me on this, I've tried changing people and have learned it's like hitting my head repeatedly on a brick wall. It just leaves me battered and frustrated.)

You can only accept that there is SOMETHING that causes them fear, that is preventing them from standing up for their team. After you accept the "offer" in this particular improvisation, you have the power to ADD your own response.

Your own response is your super-power in the situation.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by moving to another department -or another company.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by squaring up your own finances so you don't act out of fear, too.

You might "Yes, and . . ." by doing your best work DESPITE your leader's human failings.

There are infinite "Yes, and . . ." responses.

I suggest choosing the one that gives you CONFIDENCE in overcoming/dealing with/changing your own personal situation.

I know that when I was in a situation where everyone seemed to be kowtowing to the CEO, I quietly chose to do the best I could in the situation and behind the scenes was working VERY hard to pay off our mortgage so I could leave the situation when the time was right for me.

So, if you suspect that your leader has a dirty little secret that is preventing them from being a truly great leader, how are you going to choose to "Yes, and . . ." today??

P.S. A great book to read on the subject of the APPEARANCE of wealth versus GENUINE wealth is "The Millionaire Next Door". 

Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

The Devil is in the Detail

When I'm coaching new improvisers, I will often see something like this happen:

Player 1: (Miming pushing a baby carriage.) Such a nice night.
Player 2: (Starts the same movement) Yes, and we'll have this golf course mowed in no time and can get on to enjoying ourselves!
If they're really new improvisers, Player 1 usually stops and looks at Player 2, saying, "What in the heck are you doing?"

The scene stops cold.

Player 1 is disappointed because things didn't go as anticipated.
Player 2 is disappointed because Player 1 didn't yes, and . . . to their offer and continue the scene.

See, Player 2 saw the physical motion, heard the very vague words and assumed that Player 1 was mowing the lawn. Player 1 didn't give ENOUGH information to maintain the idea of a couple walking a baby in a carriage! If Player 1 had said, "such a nice night to be out walking the baby, he loves the fresh air." Then the offer of walking a baby would've been understood (and acted on) by Player 2.

How often does this happen in the improv of life that the person with the original offer doesn't give enough information so  a "scene" can progress smoothly?

It is especially prevalent in the workplace.

As they say, the devil is in the detail.

Remember, if you're a Leader, one of your job requirements is to give your direct reports all the necessary information (and clear expectations) to successfully complete a task.

Sooooo, start the improv out by giving as much info as possible. That will set things up for the best possible result.

Think about past frustrations. Did someone "fail" because they just didn't do it "right" or did you leave out important details and expectations?

Stop Asking Why, Oh, Why?

Knowing WHY doesn't change what IS.

But we still want to know WHY, don't we?

The word WHY is the hallmark of the "terrible twos".

Why, mommy, why? Why, uncle, why? Why, sister, why? Why, grandpa, why?

Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

When we are two, we want to know because we are just starting to figure out this big, blue marble and all the people that inhabit it.

Guess what, even though we grow out of verbalizing the "why" like a two year-old, we never stop wondering why people behave the way they do.

We want to know why (s)he broke up with us.

We want to know why we didn't get the job even though we know we were the best candidate.

We want to know why the boss is acting in the frustrating way (s)he does.

In an improv scene no one asks why. Because improv actors know that asking WHY isn't going to propel the scene forward. Improv actors know that asking WHY is actually BLOCKING the action. Improv actors know that asking WHY puts all the control (and responsibility) in the scene onto the other actor.

It's the same in the improv of life.

Yes, wanting to KNOW why is almost a visceral response, especially if the "scene" is emotionally charged.

But, if you don't move past it you can get stuck in "needing to know why" -needing to know the reason for someone else's behavior. Even worse, you might start imagining reasons why someone did what they did.

(Yes, if the SAME thing keeps "happening" over and over you should ask WHY. But, you should be asking it in the context of examining your own behavior, not the behavior of others.)

NEEDING to know WHY someone did something is a powerless place to live. People who feel powerless do stupid things, sometimes even dangerous things.

So, after you've gotten through the emotion, stop asking WHY and instead say, YES this is the situation AND, I'm going to . . . .

YES, AND . . .  puts YOU in control of this scene in your life.

Why Your Brainstorming Sucks (And How You Can Fix It!)

"It'll never work."

"We've done that before and it didn't work."

"Yes, but . . ."

"That's stupid."

"NO."

"Get real."

"I'm just playing devil's advocate here."

"No offense, but . . ."

If you're the person who says any of these things during a brainstorming session then your brainstorming style sucks and I can guarantee that most of the folks in the room don't like brainstorming with you.

In improv, we have a word for comments like those. We call that BLOCKING.

Blocking violates all the rules of improv.

Blocking stops the action and in many cases it is impossible to recover the scene.

In a brainstorming session, when people are supposed to be coming up with creative ideas to solve a problem (or create a new product or service). It will also stop the action.

If you're facilitating a brainstorming meeting and you allow any of those comments to be said in your meeting without "calling" the person(s) making those types of comments on their behavior then your brainstorming session sucks and no one likes brainstorming with you.

WARNING: If the person doing the blocking is the boss, or some other high-status authority figure, and you're been given the impossible task of  "facilitating" such a session, you may as well just cancel the catered lunch, pack up the white board markers and end the meeting because after a few blocking comments from the boss everyone is going to clam up.

Put your creativity to better use by figuring out a creative way to AVOID attending a "brainstorming session" demanded by such a person!

I'm particularly saddened whenever I've attended a meeting and the high-status-person-in-charge says, "I need some really great ideas now, folks," and the first person brave enough to open their mouth is blocked with a withering, "Get serious, I'm looking for GOOD ideas." Ouch. 


Let's get things straight right now, a brainstorming session should be a fun, sky's-the-limit-we-can-do-anything time. The Brainstorming GROUND RULES are pretty simple:

1. Everyone must "Yes, and . . ." to generate more ideas than you'll ever use; and, 
2. Everyone must defer judgment (negative comments) on any and all ideas that are spoken, shouted, sung, doodled, danced or delivered in any other manner.

There will be time LATER to pull out the most promising ideas and look at them critically to see if they will work given the time, talent and resources available in your company.

Isn't it better to have 100 (or 1000 or 10,000!) ideas to chose from rather than 10? If you block the action then you've limited the potential of what can be accomplished.

Here's the truth, the really AMAZING idea

-the idea that will be a game-changer for your industry-

is never the first idea!

And it probably wasn't even one idea, it was probably a patchwork of smaller ideas that were created during a really great session where everyone was using the rules of improv to make magic.

If you allow blocking to occur, then you've limited the POTENTIAL of what could be.

Here's a sample brainstorming session. This is the group's first meeting, they've been tasked with updating the employee kitchen/break room. Right now, there's no budget and no limits. They have a generous 3 weeks to go from brainstorming to presenting a plan to upper management.

Chris: Oooh, let's paint the cabinets white!

Pat: Yes, and replace those lousy knobs with sturdier handles!

Sam: Yes, and I think it'd be fun to pull the doors off some of the cabinets so we can see all the cool coffee cups that everyone uses!

Chris: Yes, and . . . let's . . .

Blocker: Just playing devil's advocate here, white cabinets will always be dirty and we don't have the budget to replace the handles . . .  

Sam: Yes, and . . . we'll, uh, re-chrome the existing handles

Chris: Yes! And, instead of painting, we'll have the cabinets deep-cleaned and . . .

Blocker: I hate to break it to you but we deep-cleaned them a year ago before some of you started working here and they still look like crap.

Pat: Okay, let's forget the cabinets and think about the floor, I've heard that cork is an eco-friendly way to go . . 

Sam:  Yes, and you can get it in cool patterns, we could have our company logo put into the floor!

Blocker: No offense but what is that going to COST, I bet it'll take the entire budget the cheapskates in accounting will give us.

Chris: Okay, let's forget the floor, how about replacing the coffee maker with a beer tap!
Pat: (laughing) Yes, and put in a wine cooler!
Sam: Yes, and a Keurig machine! That way people will always be able to get fresh coffee when they want it.

Blocker: Stop being ridiculous! A beer keg and wine cooler would violate policy! And if you put in a Keurig how will you ever provide thermoses of coffee at meetings then?

Pat: Okay, what do you think we should do?

Blocker: I don't know. I thought you'd come up with better ideas.

Arghghghgh! We've all had our fair share of frustrating "brainstorming" meetings like this, haven't we? Not a single idea was fully explored because the blocker stopped every line of thought. People got silly for a minute with the beer tap but it generate a do-able idea regarding the Keurig machine. For a while, people gamely tried to plow ahead but that blocker was able to kill every idea before it was barely uttered.

Who knows where any of these ideas would've gone? We'll never know, but the white paint idea might've spurred further ideas of cool paint ideas (chalkboard paint, glow in the dark, etc) or the idea of removing the cabinets all together or . . . the sky's the limit when no one stops the flow of ideas.

I ask all you "blockers" -and the meeting facilitators that allow it to occur:

Do you really want your team to limit the potential of what you could create?

Here are the ways to STOP blocking creativity during brainstorming and idea generation:

1. If you're the blocker:

Remember the adage, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Your services will be required -and appreciated- when it is time to move onto the next phase in the process. That next phase requires everyone to review the ideas that were generated and to think critically and realistically about implementing the most promising of those ideas.

If you're having a difficult time controlling your criticism, make sure each comment out of your mouth begins with these two words: "Yes, and . . . " 

You might intend to be helpful and you might THINK that you're comments are helpful.  But, no one can read your mind, they don't know your intent and will only feel the impression you give as you speak.

These are some impressions that your blocking is giving others:

• You're giving the impression that you're AFRAID; frightened of change or scared to try something new. ("That'll never work.) 

• You're giving the impression that you're stuck in the past -or worse- a show-off reminding the room of your superior seniority/experience/status. ("We've done that before and it didn't work.")

• You're giving the impression that you don't know how to come up with ideas or don't want to collaborate. ("Yes, but . . .)

• You're giving the impression that you're a control freak who is afraid to lose any status or power. ("That's stupid." "NO." "Get real.")

• You're giving the impression that you're unsupportive or limited in your thinking. ("I'm just playing devil's advocate here.")

• You're giving the impression that you're someone who always needs to be right at any cost. ("No offense, but . . .")

WARNING: If -after someone "calls" you on your blocking or negative comments- you then stop talking, refusing to speak even when asked a direct question, all while rolling your eyes and sighing deeply and indicating with your body language that you think everyone else in the room is an absolute idiot. You are STILL blocking.

2. If you're the facilitator:

It is your RESPONSIBILITY to teach the ground rules; give participants permission to "call blocking" on negative comments; and, separate brainstorming sessions from implementation sessions and to make that CLEAR to all participants prior to the meeting which type of session they are attending.

• I highly advise you have at least two brainstorming session before you even begin to think about looking at any of the ideas critically. I also advise giving all participants the opportunity to add to the ideas AFTER the session for at least 24- or 48- hours;

• Don't believe for a moment that you'll be able to come up with ideas AND decide which to implement in the same session. Some of the best ideas might come to your participants while they're on a lunch (or bathroom!) break, or while they're driving home from work;

• If there's absolutely NO way the powers-that-be will allow you more time for brainstorming versus critical thinking, have a long lunch break before bringing the group back to look at all the ideas and decide which to implement;

It is your responsibility, as the facilitator to stop any blocking immediately. 

If you've already set the ground rules and someone blocks, you immediately (and kindly) say something like. . .

"You've just blocked the last idea. Just for fun, how would you expand on that idea instead?"

Or, "That is a comment for our critical thinking/implementation phase, right now we're just trying to come up with as many ideas as possible."

Or, "When you crossed your arms, rolled your eyes and grunted at Pat's last idea it gave us the impression you didn't like it, is that the impression you wanted to give? Because if it is, that's just as bad as verbally blocking. Remember we are accepting all ideas right now. There are no good or bad ideas at this phase in the game."

The idea isn't to embarrass the "blocker" but to redirect that person so the ideas can continue to flow.

Have you ever blocked during a brainstorming session?

Why?

Have you ever witnessed blocking during a brainstorming session?

How did you (or the facilitator) handle it?

Get Your Own Idea

This post might make you angry. I'm just saying this up front so you can stop reading if you're easily offended. But, I know that there are people out there who need to hear this:

Stop hijacking bandwagons!

Bandwagon Hijackers are the folks who you didn't INVITE to participate (or give feedback) on your project but feel duty-bound to tell you HOW you should implement YOUR creative idea in a different way.

OR, they offer no support (or comment) UNTIL they see you succeeding with something and then want to add their two cents or get involved.

I know, I know, it is far easier to jump on someone else's bandwagon rather than build your own.

I get it.

Everyone wants to be part of a winning team.

I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been a Bandwagon Hijacker myself. I'm not proud of that and I do my best every day to focus on my OWN ideas rather than someone else's.

I don't think it is malicious behavior at all but instead, I see it as the behavior of people who wish there were magic fairies to do all the dirty, boring, painful things that must be done before a creative, winning idea becomes a reality.

But, you know as well as I do that there are no shortcuts.

You might've been oblivious before, and didn't know what you were doing, but now that you've read this far, I'll say it again:

You need to stop hijacking bandwagons!

If you're hijacking someone else's bandwagon, your behavior is obnoxious and harmful.

It is not helpful OR appropriate to sit back and watch someone else putting in the sweat and TIME on a creative project and casually EXPECT to hop on just as it is gaining momentum . . .

. . . without being there from the beginning to UNDERSTAND why the creative is doing what (s)he's doing the way he or she is doing it . . .

. . . without putting in the hours  . . .

. . . without having any idea of the passion, meaning or intent behind the art . . .


Even worse, Bandwagon Hijackers can completely destroy an idea if the creative isn't confident.

Especially in those early stages when an idea isn't fully formed.

That is the stage when the wheels are on but all the nuts and bolts aren't tightened so the bandwagon is barely held aloft on wobbly wheels. One casual push could send the whole thing crashing into a pile of rubble.

It is that point in the process when the creative is struggling to pull through a patch of sand and the extra weight of YOU, sitting on back will prove to be too much and the creative will leave everything sitting in the desert of unfulfilled visions never to be seen again.

There has been nothing more frustrating in my life than seeing truly original and creative projects destroyed by hijackers.


So, if you weren't invited to be a part of the project then enjoy it for what it is or keep quiet.

If you weren't invited to give your "feedback" or ideas, then don't.

If what I'm saying is making you feel angry because you KNOW that you have GREAT ideas for other people's projects, I'm here to tell you that what you're really hearing is your own inner creative SCREAMING to be let out.

So, today I DARE YOU to:

1. Step away from someone else's bandwagon;
2. Do your own thing, be original. Be brave.

I cannot promise that your original idea will succeed but I can promise that the more time you spend creating your own work, the less time you'll have to take a sledgehammer to someone else's bandwagon.

P.S. If you post an unformed idea on social media, you can expect it to be hijacked. Only do this if you have a super-confident thick skin -or, you are trying to weed out and identify the hijackers!

If You Build It . . . (5 Ways to Keep Motivated if they DON'T come)

I love movies.

Movies are shadow and illusion and what-might-be played out on the big screen. I can't resist!

Dialogue from movies STICKS in our collective consciousness.

The #39 top movie quote of all time is "If you build it, he will come."

This earworm is MY pick for the most dangerous movie quote of all time.

We glass-half-full creatives HEAR that quote as "If you build it, THEY will come."

That quote is in many artistic brains as we create something new, risky and daring.

That quote propels us hopefully onward.

But, this optimist is here to tell you, life isn't like the movies.

Even documentaries aren't real life, they are a filmmaker's version of what happened.

In the improv of life, the truth is this: If you build it . . . they might NOT come.

Even if you created something amazingly awesome.

They might not see your show.

They might not buy your art.

They might not want your music.

They might not SEEM to want any part of that creative thing you do.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE UP!

It just means you need to have a PLAN for those times when people don't see your show; buy your art or listen to your music.

If you must, allow yourself to have a 30 minute pity-party (set a timer). Then let it go and do something to keep you moving onward and upward!!

Here are five things you can do to keep motivated:

1. HAVE A LAUGH.
Browse through the website One Hundred Famous Rejections to read about all the very famous, well-loved authors who've been rejected. It's affirming to realize that others can often be WRONG about talent and art!

2. BRAINSTORM
Grab a piece of paper and write down 100 or more things you could do differently with your creative work. Brainstorm for quantity -not quality. Get silly. Get serious. Set the list aside for a day, then look at it the next day and highlight the ideas that just might work. Then, get to work.

3. DO SOMETHING NEW
But stay creative. If you're a musician, try painting. If you're a painter, try music. Anything to keep the creativity going but without the pressure of having to "be great".

4.  TAKE A BREATHER
Put your art aside for a day or two. Scrub your toilets, weed the garden, wash the dog -any physical labor that takes you away from your studio or creative space.

5. COLLABORATE
Find a friend who does something in your field and join forces. Just for fun. You'll both remind each other that you do great work.

Do you have anything YOU do to keep motivated? Please comment and share!!

Go With the Flow

In the improv of life we all have the same 24 hours in our days.

How do you spend your 24 hours?

How much of your work day do you spend doing things that energize you?

How much of your free time do you spend doing things that energize you?

Have you yet identified what specific activities fall into your flow?

If not, I suggest you do it now so you can be specific and purposeful in what you do.

Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi, the former head of the Department of Psychology at the University of Chicago identified the concept of "flow".

When a person is performing an activity that is within their flow, they are completely immersed in a state of energized focus, fully enjoying and completely involved in the process.

When you're in your flow you feel supremely alive! You feel wide-awake, excited and creative when you're doing those things. Someone involved in their flow doesn't feel bored, depressed or anxious.

(And, if you are feeling any of those things I'm here to tell you you're not really in your flow!)

Beyond flow, there are tasks and activities where we might be particularly skilled but those activities don't excite us at all.

So please remember, just because an employee or volunteer is good at something, it doesn't necessarily mean they are happily engaged in one of their flow activities.

More than once I've heard a leader say, "He's in his flow," while watching someone skillfully performing a task.

Or say, "I'm going to ask her to (FILL IN THE BLANK)  because it'll be right in her flow!"

But I always wonder, did you ask that person about their flow?


I think one of the frustrations in life is when someone else mistakes our skill for our passion.

Ironically, some of the things we do well, or easily, can be something we do efficiently because we dislike it and are trying to complete it quickly!


Another mistake, I think we make is assuming flow-by-association.

For example, asking the Dad who just made a fabulous casserole for the neighborhood potluck to whip up a batch of cupcakes for a PTA event, might induce anxiety in his heart.

He might indeed find his flow in cooking but hate baking.

You were innocently assuming that baking falls right in his flow because he said he loved cooking (and that casserole was SOOOOO good).

Cooking. Baking. It all happens in the kitchen, right?

Same thing, right?

Wrong. There are significant differences.

If baking is NOT in his flow, and that Dad agrees to bake the cupcakes, he'll probably do it skillfully but find it completely exhausting and frustrating.

Even more frustrating, he'll probably do a great job and find that he's expected to bring the homemade cupcakes from then on!

Has anything similar ever happened to you?

It has certainly happened to me.

I'm no longer in the corporate world but I'm very active in the volunteer world.

Over the years, I've become better about protecting my free time and keeping a good balance of flow activities in my week. However, what I'm NOT good at yet is turning down non-flow requests more openly.

I tend to say, "I can't, I'm busy, " when I'm asked to give of my time in a non-flow activity.

What I really should say is, "I've reached my allotment this week for doing volunteer activities that are out of my flow."

Today, I put a challenge out there to leaders to get specific information regarding flow.

Ask your employees, volunteers -even family members- these three questions:

1. What specific tasks and activities energize you?
2. What specific tasks and activities do you feel accomplished doing but you would prefer to do less often?
3. What specific tasks and activities completely drain you?

We did this exercise on a team once and found that a completely draining task for one person was a flow task for another! The two were able to "trade" tasks and their energy and happiness increased.

How to be Brave

One of the fallacies about improvisation is that you're just doing something off the top of your head and that there's no PRACTICE involved. But, in reality, to get really great at improv, you have to practice constantly.

The same goes for scenes in your life.

Some of my most proud moments are when I got out of my rut and reacted DIFFERENTLY to a scenario that had repeated itself in the past.

I tried a different "yes, and . . . "

That is my definition of bravery.

I firmly believe that one of the bravest things you can do for yourself is not believe everything another person decides about you.

I had a dream about my old boss last night. My last boss at my last corporate job.

This is a person and I did not "click". I have no recollection of any of our real-life improvs going well. I  didn't really "get" her and I could sense that she really didn't "get" me. That sense became a reality when one day, she said to me, in all sincerity, "Michele, I don't see you as being very creative."

One of my core values. One of my key words is "creativity".

So her opinion of me cut me deeply. I have no idea what she said in the rest of that conversation. It ended shortly after those words were spoken and I went back to my cubicle and replayed those words in me head on a constant loop for the remainder of the day.

"How could she think that?" I screamed in my head. This woman was the ONE person in my life's sea of people, the only person EVER who had ever flat-out told me she didn't think I was creative.

I got mad. I got mad in the way I get mad when someone threatens my children. Mama bear reared up on her haunches and was ready to fight.

Then, it hit me. I didn't need to "yes, and. . . ." in the same way I usually did when someone decided something about me that hurt and felt wrong.

I realized that I didn't have to agree WITH HER opinion of me and take it as my own.

I realized that I only had to agree that it WAS her opinion and respond to that.

So instead of agreeing to be uncreative and working through the "scene" to change her opinion of me, I agreed that her opinion of me was different and then decided I couldn't work for a person like that.

I decided that my self-worth was far more important than the paycheck. My self-worth was far more important than spending any more time working for someone who's opinion of me was so vastly different than anyone else's had been.

I challenge you to be BRAVE this week.

I challenge you to play out a different "yes, and . . ." and see where it takes you!

SAFETY ADVISORY: I am not encouraging you to quit your job! I am encouraging you to respond to a frustrating/painful life situation in a different way to see if you feel better after the scenario has played out. Read QUITTER by Jon Acuff to prepare your life and finances BEFORE you take any drastic changes!

Improv of Life

Rules.

Rules are good. There are rules for everything. Seriously

Some rules are there so a game runs smoothly. Some rules are just good citizenship, like not talking on your phone during a movie. Other rules can have deadly consequences if they aren't followed, like breaking the rules of traffic and running red lights or driving against the flow of traffic.

Even in improvisation there are rules to keep things on track. If you don't follow the rules of improv, you end up with a mess. Don't believe me? Just watch the BLAIR WITCH project. Each scene is full of broken improv rules and the whole thing is -to my taste - a mess.

I believe that life is just one big improvisation, and, like anything there are rules. Yeah, I know, I know, what about "No rules, just right" and all that? Well, I doubt the people who came up with that slogan would agree to it if your interpretation of their slogan meant that you wanted the server to go down the street and bring you food from another restaurant. 

There are RULES to improvisation, and I think they serve well in life, too. Here they are:

1. Always "yes, and . . . "
2. Make statements instead of asking questions

I'll explain them more fully below.

ALWAYS "YES, AND . . . "

Others call this "agree and add". Call it what you like, as long as you follow it.

"Yes, and . . . " keeps the action moving.

"Yes, and . . . " accepts what IS and moves forward, understanding that you cannot change what has already been said or done. (See how these rules of improv apply directly to real life?)

To properly "Yes, and . . . "  you accept the OFFER (which in an improv scene would be what your scene partner says to you) AND add to that offer. 

Here's an example of "Yes, and . . ." in action . . . 

Player One: It's a gorgeous day, I love the beach.

Player Two: It is a great day! Too bad that big octopus stole our picnic lunch.

Awesome, a scene has begun, Player Two accepted the offer from Player One that they are at the beach on a gorgeous day and added that their lunch has been purloined. I cannot wait to see where THIS goes!

Here's an example of "yes" without the "and" . . .

Player One: It's a gorgeous day, I love the beach.

Player Two: Yup. Sure is pretty and I love the beach, too.

Very agreeable but this scene is going nowhere. Player Two did a great job of accepting the offer of being at the beach on a gorgeous day but then dropped the beach ball, as it were. How many conversations have you had just like this. Boring and it leaves the person who made the initial offer (or comment) dangling, in charge of coming up with something ELSE to say. Bad form, Player Two, in an improv scene and in life.

Here's an example of BLOCKING the offer.

Player One: It's a gorgeous day, I love the beach.

Player Two: Are you crazy? We're not at the beach. This is prison, man.

Whoa. Where did that come from, Player Two? You didn't agree that you're at the beach on a gorgeous day and instead forced your own idea. Player One will have a lot of work to recover from that one. 

People do this in real life, right? How many times have made a casual comment to someone and had it shot down? That is blocking, right there. It feel awful. Don't do it. 

"Yes, and . . ."

• Defers judgment
• Accepts the situation
• Opens the door to possibility

MAKE STATEMENTS INSTEAD OF ASKING QUESTIONS.

What do you think of . . . ?

Do you want to . . . ?

I'll be there are times when you ask questions, expecting a specific answer and being upset when the answer you wanted didn't appear.

For example:

Player One: What a nice day, hey What is that up in the sky?

Player Two: Oh my gosh, run! It's a giant cat and it looks like he's going to lick us!

(At about this point, I'm always amused because in a scene like this usually the next thing to happen is Player One looks at Player Two like that person is crazy and then BLOCKS the scene.)

Player One: NO it's not, it is a meteor shower.

Wow! It started out so well, then, Player One messed it all up and blocked the action by asking a question that obviously had a VERY specific answer! If you MUST ask a question, you'd better be willing to "yes, and . . ." the answer, or else don't ask!

In the scene above, if Player One wanted it to be a meteor shower, they should've opened the scene by saying, "What a cool meteor shower."

I Didn't Expect to Win This Award

I cannot tell you how MANY times I heard, "I didn't expect to win this award!" while watching the Golden Globe telecast last night. As if saying THAT made it okay for the winner to waste our time by babbling on mindlessly until the "wrap it up" music started playing.

Midway through viewing all those train wrecks last night, I was reminded of my STRONG belief that when faced with even the remote possibility of speaking before a live television audience, it is polite -and prudent- to prepare something genuine, coherent (and succinct) to say.

The same goes for ANYONE. In fact, in this big old improv of life, I believe it is even more important for all of us non-stars to have something coherent and succinct to say about our work/passions when presented with an opportunity to do so.

I feel it is time to re-publish my post from last February, on this very topic. Here it is: Hollywood Stars and Your Elevator Speech.

Seriously Sarcastic

Comedy is creative. Comedy is difficult to do well.

I don't think I've ever been to a comedy club because I am terrified. I am terrified that I'll be in the audience when one of THOSE comics is onstage.

I'm talking about the kind that use sarcasm and cutting remarks about OTHERS to make funny. It is SUCH an easy way to amuse. It is also a GREAT way to show how clever and smart you are.

Not my style. 

I think cutting remarks and sarcasm creates up a barrier between audience and performer.

I think it even puts up MORE of a barrier between co-workers, friends and loved ones.

If you are frustrated, and feeling like you cannot get close to people, it might be time to take a look at how you INTERACT with them. Are you hiding behind cutting remarks and sarcasm to show others how smart and witty you are?

Here's a great article on SARCASM and the forms it takes, none of them positive!

When you're "doing a scene" in life that doesn't go well at all, take a step back and replay the dialogue in your head. Were your remarks cutting or sarcastic?

Sometimes, in improv class, I ask participants to re-do a scene with the same OPENING line with a completely new response. It is a great way to show participants how improv scenes can go a zillion different ways.

Life scenes are exactly the same.

If you suspect that people are avoiding you, just like I avoid comedy clubs, because of the danger of cutting/sarcastic remarks, the best way to know for sure is to ask some people you know and trust.

If you want an example of sarcasm, Dr. Cox from the TV show, "Scrubs" is a good example. Would you want to work with this guy?

Uncensored

We all have uncensored thoughts. What we choose to do with those thoughts can make a huge difference in our lives.

EVEN when doing an improv scene those uncensored thoughts pop up.

When I worked doing comedy improv at Disney it was especially important to keep it family-friendly. Well, sometimes the first THOUGHT in your mind isn’t family-friendly, especially when doing comedy!

Sooooo, we rehearsed and practiced and that helped us keep the unclean comedy to ourselves!

In the improv of life, it’s different, those uncensored thoughts are often quick, EMOTIONAL gut reactions to something. But, you can STILL rehearse and practice to keep those uncensored thoughts to yourself! I don't know about you, but, when the emotion is negative and I blurt out the first thing on my mind, I typically regret it.

Sometimes, I see the little notice on LinkedIn "Say happy work anniversary" attached to someone's name.

Then, I think to myself, "Wow! You're still THERE? Man, your behavior was AWFUL 3 years ago, I wonder what it's like now."

(I get even WORSE thoughts if I see they've been promoted to a leadership position when my experience of their behavior would put them on the bottom of my should-manage-others list!)

I keep those thoughts to myself by taking my hands OFF of the keyboard and saying to my dogs EXACTLY what I’m thinking. I get it out of my system in an appropriate way! 

It takes thinking creatively and QUICKLY so the uncensored thought can be replaced with a BETTER thought before damaging or inappropriate WORDS come out of your mouth –or onto a computer screen!

Lately, though, it seems like more and more people just BLURT out –or type out- those uncensored thoughts.

I read once that the most successful people in this world are able to CONTAIN those uncensored thoughts and not just share the first thing that comes into their heads.

I agree with that.

I used to work with a man who would immediately say, “NO! That’s impossible!” whenever he was asked to do something last-minute for anyone. It was really destructive and he got a bad reputation and (between you and me) was nearly let go in a round of layoffs.

The funny thing was, he nearly ALWAYS delivered. He just couldn’t stop himself from appearing angry and saying “NO!” when he was frustrated with being asked to do something in a rush.

Get creative, what are your emotional triggers? What can you say or do before you blurt out something that you’ll regret?

In the case of “no-man” I asked him if he could replace “NO” with something else. We brainstormed for a few minutes, we came up with some positive options:

“Let me see what I can do.”

“Give me a minute to think about it.”

“I think that could work.”

He finally settled on “Can I have a minute to think it through?” Then, he’d take a breath and think about it before giving an answer.

Slowly but surely, people's attitude about "no-man" changed to the positive.

Writer Jon Acuff uses “You might be right” whenever someone gives him "feedback" that initially bothers him. I love that because you aren't agreeing with the feedback and you aren't disagreeing with the feedback.

Get creative! How can you stop your uncensored thoughts from damaging your life (and career)??