Letting Go of Those Who Are Depleting You

When performing with other improvisers, there are some folks who are exhausting to work with. These are the improvisers who follow the rules of improv - but only barely.

These are the improvisers who make you work extra hard to keep the scene on track.

After the scene you don't feel good about the encounter.  You feel exhausted.

In the improv of life, there are people in our world like that, too.

In fact if you paused for one moment you could probably name at least 3 - 5 folks who, after spending time with them you are ready for a nap because their behavior leaves you feeling exhausted!

(And before we judge, remember, we might be that person in someone else's life!)

Here's the truth: you cannot change someone else's behavior. But, you can change how much TIME you spend with that person.

If you have "friends", family members, co-workers or bosses who exhibit one or more of these behaviors, you might want to reconsider their place in your life and how much time you devote to them.

1. SILENT TREATMENT -this behavior is exhibited by a person who refuses to talk with you or gives short, one-word answers. When you ask what is wrong, they say, "Nothing," or "You should KNOW." Nope. I don't know a single mind-reader. This behavior is offensive and manipulative.
2. NEVER-ENDING CRITICISM - this behavior is exhibited by folks who never have anything nice to say. They criticize everything you do (and criticize your other friends behind their backs). This behavior is an attempt to diminish and demean. Nothing, more, nothing less. People who are enriching your life build you up and offer advice and correction but never tear-you-down criticism.
3. BAD BREAKUPS -this behavior is exhibited by folks who never leave a relationship on a good note, whether it be a job, a relationship or a friendship.  In these breakups, they are always the victim, the slighted one, the one mistreated (according to them). Beware, it is only a matter of time until they find some reason you've wronged them, too.
4. TAKING OFFENSE - this behavior is exhibited by folks who are continually "offended" by everyone around them. You find yourself walking on eggshells -considering your words carefully- whenever you're around them because one slip up and they'll let you know for days, weeks, months how you mistreated them. Even worse, people who behave this way often have an uncanny way of taking offense at that thing you did in an effort to be nice or help them in some way.
5. FALLING OUTSIDE THE "REASONABLE PERSON" STANDARD -this behavior is exhibited by over-reaction to what a "reasonable person" wouldn't be bothered by. In a court of law, we ask if a reasonable person would be offended, or react to a certain scenario. This behavior usually goes hand-in-hand with "taking offense".

Past behavior indicates future behavior. If you feel "lucky" because your friend, family member, co-worker or boss hasn't exhibited any of these behaviors with you, it's really only a matter of time.

If you spend ANY time wondering where you stand with a friend, feeling guilty but not understanding why or apologizing for something that wouldn't have upset a reasonable person I suggest you move away from that relationship.

In the instances of workplace relationships, you should always be polite but don't let these people into your circle of friends.

Do you have any more behaviors to add to my list?

Go With the Flow

In the improv of life we all have the same 24 hours in our days.

How do you spend your 24 hours?

How much of your work day do you spend doing things that energize you?

How much of your free time do you spend doing things that energize you?

Have you yet identified what specific activities fall into your flow?

If not, I suggest you do it now so you can be specific and purposeful in what you do.

Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi, the former head of the Department of Psychology at the University of Chicago identified the concept of "flow".

When a person is performing an activity that is within their flow, they are completely immersed in a state of energized focus, fully enjoying and completely involved in the process.

When you're in your flow you feel supremely alive! You feel wide-awake, excited and creative when you're doing those things. Someone involved in their flow doesn't feel bored, depressed or anxious.

(And, if you are feeling any of those things I'm here to tell you you're not really in your flow!)

Beyond flow, there are tasks and activities where we might be particularly skilled but those activities don't excite us at all.

So please remember, just because an employee or volunteer is good at something, it doesn't necessarily mean they are happily engaged in one of their flow activities.

More than once I've heard a leader say, "He's in his flow," while watching someone skillfully performing a task.

Or say, "I'm going to ask her to (FILL IN THE BLANK)  because it'll be right in her flow!"

But I always wonder, did you ask that person about their flow?


I think one of the frustrations in life is when someone else mistakes our skill for our passion.

Ironically, some of the things we do well, or easily, can be something we do efficiently because we dislike it and are trying to complete it quickly!


Another mistake, I think we make is assuming flow-by-association.

For example, asking the Dad who just made a fabulous casserole for the neighborhood potluck to whip up a batch of cupcakes for a PTA event, might induce anxiety in his heart.

He might indeed find his flow in cooking but hate baking.

You were innocently assuming that baking falls right in his flow because he said he loved cooking (and that casserole was SOOOOO good).

Cooking. Baking. It all happens in the kitchen, right?

Same thing, right?

Wrong. There are significant differences.

If baking is NOT in his flow, and that Dad agrees to bake the cupcakes, he'll probably do it skillfully but find it completely exhausting and frustrating.

Even more frustrating, he'll probably do a great job and find that he's expected to bring the homemade cupcakes from then on!

Has anything similar ever happened to you?

It has certainly happened to me.

I'm no longer in the corporate world but I'm very active in the volunteer world.

Over the years, I've become better about protecting my free time and keeping a good balance of flow activities in my week. However, what I'm NOT good at yet is turning down non-flow requests more openly.

I tend to say, "I can't, I'm busy, " when I'm asked to give of my time in a non-flow activity.

What I really should say is, "I've reached my allotment this week for doing volunteer activities that are out of my flow."

Today, I put a challenge out there to leaders to get specific information regarding flow.

Ask your employees, volunteers -even family members- these three questions:

1. What specific tasks and activities energize you?
2. What specific tasks and activities do you feel accomplished doing but you would prefer to do less often?
3. What specific tasks and activities completely drain you?

We did this exercise on a team once and found that a completely draining task for one person was a flow task for another! The two were able to "trade" tasks and their energy and happiness increased.