Who Am I?

Towards the end of "Terms of Endearment", the philandering, selfish husband says to his dying wife, "I'm thinking about my identity, and not having one anymore. I mean, who am I if I'm not the man who's failing Emma?"

SUCH a great example of a character who realizes he's gotten stuck in the rut of just being "that guy".

In the improv of life, wrapping your entire identity in being the person who "always" does anything is so dangerous. It prevents you from learning and growing. Even "good" traits that lock you in one position can be harmful, for example, if you've decided that your "character" is the strong one, the one with the shoulder that others can cry on, what do you do when YOU need a shoulder to cry on?

I love performing improv because doing so encourages exploring character and identity and becoming a new person in every scene. In fact, improvisors don't last long if they only have one "character" they perform over and over. The best improvisers come up with a new character in each scene.

The difference between improv and scripted shows is that the writer creates much of the "character" for the actor in a scripted show. However, there's always room for interpretation within that framework. When doing stage shows, I've seen rigid actors butt heads with their director, saying, "My character wouldn't DO that," always with a roll of the eyes and a slight tone of superiority. There are people in real life who do exactly the same thing. If you can see they are stuck in a rut and offer a gentle suggestion to change their current pattern, they look at you with disdain and say, "I would NEVER ."

Then, there are open and relaxed actors who get a piece of direction and say, "Wow. I didn't think my character would do something like that, it's going to be fun to find a motivation for that action." THOSE are the actors that are truly transcendent. They are willing to open up a new place in their character's psyche.  And, those are the people in real life you delight you when they try something different when their old way of doing things didn't work.

In the real world, we see these types of things play out all the time.

We have those friends, family members or acquaintances who are the same, day over day, year over year. Their bad tendencies stay the same or get worse, their good traits are completely fixed and they never behave out of character. They are always the guy who is failing Emma. Or the gal who always hates her job. Or the co-worker who never remembers to bring their wallet to lunch. Or the volunteer who takes the jobs no one wants and looks sad all the time. You can practically recite their "lines" for them when you interact.

The other side of the coin are those friends, family members or acquaintances who are easy to get along with because they always seem to go with the flow, and, they are continually surprising you -in a good way. You pegged them as a slacker but they get a really great job at a really great company and shine doing the work. Or when you first meet them, they are habitually late but over time become the one who is always ten minutes early. These folks set boundaries and are honest in their interactions.

Years ago a company where I worked was launching a recognition program for employees I had a team leader push back, telling me he wasn't going to participate, "I can't start praising my employees and handing out gifts and cards. It's just not 'me'. They'd think I was being weird. I'm the guy who is rough but gets stuff done."

He was partially right. His rigid employees who were used to his behavior WOULD think he was being "weird"-at first- if he starting praising them. But, his go-with-the-flow employees would've welcomed the change. And his rigid employees would've come around, eventually and gotten used to the "new" character of their manager.

But, he was unwilling to change and continued being the "rough manager" and his behavior meant he had a hard time keeping employees. The morale in his group was always low and his employees were either leaving or defecting to other teams as soon as a job opening would arise. He'd locked himself into his role and was unwilling to do something that he felt was out of character and his employees suffered for it. But, he ultimately suffered the most because he was let go in a round of layoffs.

That which causes you pain in your life over and over might be the place where you've locked yourself into being "that guy" or "that gal". Improvise. Adapt. Learn. Grow. Be willing to see what your character will do in a new situation and also be willing to let others change around you. It can be a delight when the guy who's always failing Emma decides to apologize, step up to the plate and change that negative behavior once and for all. Be willing to LET him change and be willing to let yourself change.

Without Listening

I had a friend comment that he saw a show full of very talented actors that missed the mark because everyone onstage appeared to be waiting for their next line and not really listening to each other.

The first thing that popped into my head were the words "Acting without listening is just showing off." Then, I thought about how that statement could be applied to just about any situation on- or off- stage!

I think that type of non-listening is even worse in an improvised scene. When someone is watching improv, they are listening to understand.

Now, technically, all improv actors onstage should also be listening to understand, but some actors just miss that mark.

If an actor misses a crucial bit of information given by someone onstage, the audience knows instantly that actor is just waiting for a "turn" to show off.

Improvisers call this non-listening behavior "steamrolling".

In "real life", people who are listening for their "turn" are usually waiting to:

• Show off,
• Establish their status,
• Demonstrate their high level of skill,
• Dictate,
• Lecture
• Push their own agenda; or - worst of all,
• Make a joke

No one wants to work onstage with a steamroller and in the improv of our daily life, no one wants to live with, work with, or play with a steamroller.

Just as an audience can tell if you aren't really paying attention, people in your life can tell if you aren't really paying attention. 

Listening for your "turn" to speak isn't really listening at all. And, it is very irritating for all those around you.

Take heart, though, the "active listening" muscle can be developed and the first step in that direction is making a conscious decision to listen for understanding, rather than waiting for your turn to "show off"!

I wish I know who first said "Argue as if you're right. Listen as if you're wrong" because I love that idea. Personally, I think more people need to take that advice to heart and the world might be less divisive.

Does your team need training in active listening? I have a workshop for that! Email micheleruth@hotmail.com for more information.

When You See It Say It

In the improv of life there are as many ways to do something as there are people on this planet. Some choices bring positive results and some choices bring negative results. The most successful Leaders practice choices that encourage and build up, rather than humiliate and tear down. One positive choice for Leaders is to follow the "When you see it, say it" principle.

Profoundly simple in theory but difficult in practice. And, it can be applied to ALL aspects of life.

Just like good improv, getting really good at "when you see it, say it" takes practice and like all improv games, there are a couple of rules:

1. If you see something good, praise it publicly and specifically; and,
2. If you see something that needs correction, do that privately and specifically.

Both these rules should be applied as soon as possible after the behavior that deserves praise or requires correction.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING GOOD, PRAISE IT PUBLICLY AND SPECIFICALLY

Saying "thank you" and/or "great job" is nice but not good enough.

Those two phrases need to be followed up with specifics. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't feel noticed and appreciated when they are thanked or praised specifically for something they did.

Specific praise is sure to encourage repeat behavior and, if you're really feeling frisky, you can do something nice in return!

For example, our daughter cleaned her room without being asked. I made sure her brother was also around when I said, "Thank you for cleaning your room without being asked, that made me so happy that you knew that company was coming over and saved me the stress of repeatedly asking you to clean up. I wanted to do something nice for you so, I washed and put away your clothes."

Since that time, she's cleaned her room two other times, without being asked -both times when she knew I would've asked because people were coming over!

Here are some examples of different types of specific praise.

Practice praise with your employees: "When you did XYZ it really made the customer's experience better I could see by their smile that they were grateful and the icing on the cake is when they said, 'You have a customer for life,' thank you for making us all look good!

Practice praise with your co-workers: "I just want to take a minute out of this meeting to thank Chris for pitching in and helping me get that collating project done yesterday. It looked so much better than it would have if I'd done it alone and the customer couldn't stop saying nice things about how it turned out."

Practice praise with your spouse or significant other: "Honey, thank you for making that sweet comment about my lasagna, when your Mom was over. It made me feel good to know that all that effort to learn a new recipe was appreciated."

Practice praise with your children: "Thank you for noticing the garbage was full and taking it out without being asked,  it was really great today when I was helping your brother with his art project and I didn't have to stop everything take out an overflowing garbage bag."

Practice praise with volunteers: "Thank you so much for showing up on time for your volunteer shift, it makes it so much easier for everyone to know we're fully staffed."

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS CORRECTION, DO THAT PRIVATELY

Think back to a time when you were corrected in public. It didn't feel so much like a correction as a humiliation, didn't it? When people are humiliated they feel angry. Angry people might lash out, make excuses, stop trying or quit.

Poor managers -the ones that act like bullies- praise privately (or not at all) and correct publicly.

No one feels respected when that happens.  Leaders don't humiliate others.

Just like praise, correction needs to be specific. It also needs to be followed up with an expectation for future behavior. Private and specific correction is also something that needs to be practiced and takes a lot more finesse.

Also, when correcting others you cannot dwell on the past. Refrain from asking "Why did you?" or "What were you thinking?" because those phrases just keeps things stuck. Look to the future.

Practice correction with your employees: "When you said XYZ to the customer, I noticed that he got very agitated and it looks like he left angry. I'd like you to say something different the next time a situation like this comes up. Saying ABC or DEF has worked for me in the past."

Practice correction with your co-workers: "This is hard for me to say but, I need your help. When I was on that client call a little while ago, you were talking to Sam really loudly and it was hard for me to hear what the client was saying. Could you help me out and talk more quietly the next time you see I'm on the phone? I promise I'll do the same for you."

Practice correction with your spouse or significant other: "Honey, when you dump the clothes right outside the hamper it hurts my back to bend over and pick it all up. Could you please either put your dirty clothes into the hamper or pile it on top of the dryer so I don't have to bend down so much?"

Practice correction with your kids: "When adults are talking to you, it feels very disrespectful when you're looking at your phone. I noticed you were staring at your phone when Grandma was talking and you didn't even noticed that she stopped mid-sentence. From now on, when any grownup is talking to you, I expect you to turn your phone face-down and look them in the eye and respond politely."

Practicing correction with volunteers takes special finesse. It must be done ESPECIALLY kindly and gently! And works best if you set up ALL expectations before the volunteer even starts helping out. "Hey, I'm not sure I ever told you this but, part of this task is straightening up the desk area after your shift. It's one of those nice things that makes it easier for the next person. I know I'm always grateful when I come in and don't have to clean up the desk before I get started."

Three final notes on correction:

Keep your mouth firmly closed if the thing you are "correcting" is:
1. A personal preference. Everyone has a different version of "on time". If you called a meeting for noon but you personally consider people late if they're not there at 11:55 that's your own "stuff" and not anything that needs correcting if your employee is sitting in that meeting room by noon.

2. An unexplained expectation. Don't assume anything. If you ask your kid to clean the bathroom and he's never done it before, but gives it a try anyway, you should thank him, not correct him! And next time you ask him to do a brand-new task, correct your own behavior by TEACHING him how to do it, first!

3. Not behavior you're willing to model yourself. Most people can't respect someone who doesn't do what they expect others to do.

Do you know a Leader who chooses the "when you see it, say it" model?

Do you know a person who does the opposite?

Please share any great examples of either style!

I Trusted You

Just around bedtime, our son confessed that he had gotten called into the office at school!

What? Our empathetic, sweet boy?

Turns out our angel was playing a version of "so-and-so has cooties" game.

Hmmm.

That led to a discussion about treating people kindly. He told us that this person was a friend and that he'd apologized and that they were "good" now.

Really?

The hubby and I pointed out that he'd better re-examine how he behaved with friends and explained that he'd destroyed the trust in their relationship.

Ultimately, we told him he was going to have to work very hard to build back the original TRUST of this person. 

And, like any typical nearly-ten-year-old boy would, he rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and left the room once we'd shared our wisdom!

In the improv of life, trust is crucial.

I remind my improv students all the time, that an "offer" made to purposely make a scene partner uncomfortable isn't the way to play the game.

It's not fun.

In real life it isn't fun, either.

What's the old saying?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Good improv -like good friendships- builds on the strengths of a scene partner, not their discomfort.

Today, I challenge you to only do "scenes" where you build up and strengthen those you interact with.

Remember, it's easy to tear things apart. It is far more creative to build UP.

Everybody's Talking

Because I have a 12-but-almost-13-year-old, I think about gossip. A lot. It starts in Jr. High and never stops, does it?

Gossip isn't even good in an improv scene. Want to know why? It's because the people in the scene aren't doing anything but  standing around and talking about someone who isn't there rather than DOING something.

Stop talking. Start doing. Then there isn't any time for gossip.