International Women's Day

In the improv of life we all have the opportunity to change the world.

Today, on International Women's Day how about we WOMEN celebrate by rising up and agreeing to stop criticizing and judging and comparing ourselves to other women?

How about we all start accepting ourselves and every woman as she IS. Without competition, contempt or jealousy.

We ALL carry the good (the great and amazing, really!), the bad and the ugly in us each day. But, how about TODAY we start treating ourselves and EACH OTHER with grace and acceptance and kindness?

So WHAT if she doesn't look/weigh/dress/groom/parent/date/marry/act/react like you would? Like my mama used to say, "If we were all exactly alike, the world would be a boring place."

So, today, let's begin anew and choose to LIFT other women UP rather than tear them down with our words, our gossip and our disapproval.

And, in the process, let's treat ourselves a little more kindly, too.

Don't Like Big "Buts" (And I Cannot Lie!)

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

How do you feel when someone begins a statement with any of those (or similar) phrases??

Most of us tense up and we brace ourselves for fight-or-flight.

Why?

Because we know that the words that follow ARE going to be unpleasant. Those words usually preface a sucker-punch to the psyche. 

Want to know something else? In the rules of improv and in the improv of life, as far as I'm concerned there's NO room for those big "buts". 

Every "but" is a block . Blocking stops the action. Blocks prevent forward momentum.

It has been my experience in life that MOST of the people with all the "buts" are the ones who are also trying very hard to gossip, boss, bully, control or "pull rank".

None of it is pleasant, none of it is pretty.

So,what do we do? 

I say, PRACTICE now with your responses! Improvisers practice. Musicians practice. Artists practice. In fact, all creative endeavors require practice and YOUR LIFE is the most creative endeavor of them all.

So, here are some responses I've practiced for those moments when people throw their "buts" around . . . 

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . . 

• WAIT! Just so you know, you won't be able to take back the hurtful thing you're going to say, do you really want to continue?

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

• NOW is your opportunity to avoid that by not saying whatever rude thing it is that you were planning on saying.

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

• You WILL be mean if you have to and obviously right now is one of those times. C'mon, hit me with your best shot. I can take it.

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

• WAIT! I'm already offended. Please continue, I can't wait to see how much more offended I'm going to feel after you say what you've been planning to say!

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

• You feel COMPELLED to do so. I know, I know, it's for my own good. Just be advised that my feelings MIGHT get hurt and at that point I won't want to say anything that comes out of my mouth but I might not be able to control myself. 

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

• It's for my own good, right? You're going to say something mean and hurtful to help me become a better person because you see some great flaw in my character. Okay. Bring it on. I've braced myself.

Hee hee.

Here's the homework assignment, get out your pencils and write out your own response to those statements. Then practice your responses in the mirror. Have a good laugh. Oh, and make sure you aren't throwing any big "buts" around -those things are a sure way to block meaningful conversation!

To Change, or Not to Change -That is the Question

I just read an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on changing the environment around decision making.

In the improv of life, I'm a HUGE fan of shaking things up and I found a lot of these ideas to be spot-on.

Especially the comments on bringing new people into your organization.

The author suggests, A better approach starts by asking newcomers a simple question: "Who are you when you are at your very best?" (Rather than asking new hires to sit through a static presentation on "how we do things here" and then setting them to task immediately.)

Click HERE to read the full article.

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

The Dirty Little Secret No One Talks About at Work

One of the dirty little secrets about leaders in your organization is that some are deeply in debt.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an expensive business.

Outward trappings of wealth are not indicators of genuine wealth.

Debt causes fear.

If there seems to be NO reason why your leader isn't speaking up for what's right, that leader MIGHT be coming from a place of fear that they'll lose their job (and their 6-figure income) if they speak up.

So, what do YOU do if your VP who drives the BMW to work on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and drives the Mercedes on Tuesday and Thursday; lives in a mansion on the lake; and leaves the office each Friday to network with the Big Cheese is also allowing the Big Cheese - the CEO- to run amok and create chaos within your department?

Well, my friends, in the improv of life, there's only one thing to do.

 "Yes, and . . ."

"Yes, and . . ." means accepting what IS and adding to it with your reaction.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want but, you cannot change your leader. (Trust me on this, I've tried changing people and have learned it's like hitting my head repeatedly on a brick wall. It just leaves me battered and frustrated.)

You can only accept that there is SOMETHING that causes them fear, that is preventing them from standing up for their team. After you accept the "offer" in this particular improvisation, you have the power to ADD your own response.

Your own response is your super-power in the situation.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by moving to another department -or another company.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by squaring up your own finances so you don't act out of fear, too.

You might "Yes, and . . ." by doing your best work DESPITE your leader's human failings.

There are infinite "Yes, and . . ." responses.

I suggest choosing the one that gives you CONFIDENCE in overcoming/dealing with/changing your own personal situation.

I know that when I was in a situation where everyone seemed to be kowtowing to the CEO, I quietly chose to do the best I could in the situation and behind the scenes was working VERY hard to pay off our mortgage so I could leave the situation when the time was right for me.

So, if you suspect that your leader has a dirty little secret that is preventing them from being a truly great leader, how are you going to choose to "Yes, and . . ." today??

P.S. A great book to read on the subject of the APPEARANCE of wealth versus GENUINE wealth is "The Millionaire Next Door". 

Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

The Devil is in the Detail

When I'm coaching new improvisers, I will often see something like this happen:

Player 1: (Miming pushing a baby carriage.) Such a nice night.
Player 2: (Starts the same movement) Yes, and we'll have this golf course mowed in no time and can get on to enjoying ourselves!
If they're really new improvisers, Player 1 usually stops and looks at Player 2, saying, "What in the heck are you doing?"

The scene stops cold.

Player 1 is disappointed because things didn't go as anticipated.
Player 2 is disappointed because Player 1 didn't yes, and . . . to their offer and continue the scene.

See, Player 2 saw the physical motion, heard the very vague words and assumed that Player 1 was mowing the lawn. Player 1 didn't give ENOUGH information to maintain the idea of a couple walking a baby in a carriage! If Player 1 had said, "such a nice night to be out walking the baby, he loves the fresh air." Then the offer of walking a baby would've been understood (and acted on) by Player 2.

How often does this happen in the improv of life that the person with the original offer doesn't give enough information so  a "scene" can progress smoothly?

It is especially prevalent in the workplace.

As they say, the devil is in the detail.

Remember, if you're a Leader, one of your job requirements is to give your direct reports all the necessary information (and clear expectations) to successfully complete a task.

Sooooo, start the improv out by giving as much info as possible. That will set things up for the best possible result.

Think about past frustrations. Did someone "fail" because they just didn't do it "right" or did you leave out important details and expectations?

Stop Asking Why, Oh, Why?

Knowing WHY doesn't change what IS.

But we still want to know WHY, don't we?

The word WHY is the hallmark of the "terrible twos".

Why, mommy, why? Why, uncle, why? Why, sister, why? Why, grandpa, why?

Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

When we are two, we want to know because we are just starting to figure out this big, blue marble and all the people that inhabit it.

Guess what, even though we grow out of verbalizing the "why" like a two year-old, we never stop wondering why people behave the way they do.

We want to know why (s)he broke up with us.

We want to know why we didn't get the job even though we know we were the best candidate.

We want to know why the boss is acting in the frustrating way (s)he does.

In an improv scene no one asks why. Because improv actors know that asking WHY isn't going to propel the scene forward. Improv actors know that asking WHY is actually BLOCKING the action. Improv actors know that asking WHY puts all the control (and responsibility) in the scene onto the other actor.

It's the same in the improv of life.

Yes, wanting to KNOW why is almost a visceral response, especially if the "scene" is emotionally charged.

But, if you don't move past it you can get stuck in "needing to know why" -needing to know the reason for someone else's behavior. Even worse, you might start imagining reasons why someone did what they did.

(Yes, if the SAME thing keeps "happening" over and over you should ask WHY. But, you should be asking it in the context of examining your own behavior, not the behavior of others.)

NEEDING to know WHY someone did something is a powerless place to live. People who feel powerless do stupid things, sometimes even dangerous things.

So, after you've gotten through the emotion, stop asking WHY and instead say, YES this is the situation AND, I'm going to . . . .

YES, AND . . .  puts YOU in control of this scene in your life.

5 Real Ways to Stop Complaining and Start Living

What are you focusing on today?

The positive?

Or the negative?

If I'm not careful, I can fall into the trap of only focusing on the negative. In the improv of life, this is not productive. Complaining and negativity quickly pull us out of an open "yes, and . . ." mindset and send us into a limited "no, but . . ." place that isn't very fun -or funny.

Negativity is an easy path. People are MORE than willing to walk along and help you get deeper and deeper into the slough of unhappiness.

Think about it: how many times have you complained about something and NOT had someone commiserate with you?

I can think of only one time.

I began complaining and a true friend said, gently and kindly, "Today, why don't you focus on what you DO have instead of what you don't."

WHAM! That friend pulled me off the path and left me, wobbly, and re-thinking things.

Indeed.

Life WAS pretty good when I stopped thinking about the one thing upsetting me.

We cannot change our feelings but we can experience an emotion -have a good (private) cry or pillow-punching session and then choose NOT to STAY in that emotion.

Truly, it has been my experience that the way I feel today is NOT the way I'll feel tomorrow and when I wallow in the emotions of self-pity and negativity I'm usually ashamed of myself after I snap out of it.

Here are some ways to move on after experiencing a negative emotion:

1. DON'T SHARE WITH OTHERS
This one is easy, I realized that EVERY time I was feeling negative and I shared my feelings with others (in the form of GRIPING) that I got MORE worked up, and I felt even MORE negative about the situation. Sure, I was doing some great "yes, and . . ." improv but it wasn't positive at all and got me even MORE upset! Journals are a great and safe place to work through your negative emotions.

2. HELP SOMEONE
Volunteer somewhere. I spent a few years volunteering at a Christmas gift giveaway for needy families in our community. I never felt so grateful for what I have as when I was doing that.

3. GIVE AWAY SOMETHING YOU NEED
If are feeling anonymous or unappreciated, you can bet others are feeling the same way. Why not reach out to someone and give them a GENUINE compliment? Start looking for ways to lift others up, the residual benefit is great.

4. MAKE A PLAN
If you are feeling negative about a situation in your life, making a genuine plan with serious goals is a lifesaver. When things get rough, you can focus on your plan, rather than your current situation.

5. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
Corny? Maybe, but it works. I love this quote from my pastor, Kevin Gerald "Blessed with everything, entitled to nothing." Wow. So true.

I don't know where I first heard this but I love it: "What if the things you didn't give thanks for today were gone tomorrow?" It's a sobering thought.

I do Morning Pages and when I feel myself slipping into negativity, I do my best to next write out the things for which I'm grateful.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS TO STOP COMPLAINING AND START LIVING? FEEL FREE TO SHARE!