The Cost of Silence

Why is it socially unacceptable to call out and describe a leader's specific behavior and the negative impact it has had on you -or the workplace?

This thought hit me yesterday when a friend of mine, in a Facebook thread, made a comment about the behavior of a boss at a former workplace. The behavior was, at best, misguided; and, worst, potentially illegal (it involved the withholding of a workplace benefit.) At some point in the discussion my friend apologized for potentially committing a faux pas by sharing something negative about a former boss. (Mind you, this friend did not mention this person by name.)

I commented that I didn't think it was a faux pas and, like I said, it got me to thinking about why our society doesn't find it acceptable to comment on situations like this where the manager's behavior would be considered by most reasonable people to be negative and out of line.

I have had some great bosses over the years. I discussed their behavior openly with friends and colleagues. "Oh, I really loved working for Mr. ABC because he always listened to our ideas and either accepted them or didn't, but, he always listened with openness and interest."

I've also had some awful bosses over the years yet, those bosses I endured and/or left to work somewhere else. Except with those closest to me,  I never openly discussed the behavior of those bosses.

Why is it bad form to discuss why I left? Why is it bad form to describe a behavior and its negative impact?

Leaders talk about their employees and their behavior all the time and it seems socially "acceptable" to discuss a "bad employee" with others. 

I'm not talking about "blanket" generalities here, I honestly think its unproductive to say, "So and So was a jerk." But I'm asking this: Why isn't it an accepted practice to share specific examples to let others know what is going on in a workplace if it is negative?

I've never done it, myself, because I always understood that this wasn't the "way things are done" but now, in retrospect, I'm wondering why I didn't explain WHY I left in my exit interviews, the two times in my career when I was leaving because of a boss and/or company culture that I could no longer support or endure.

In the improv of life, there are as many unique ways to accept one of life's "offers" and respond to it as there are people, but, it is very clear in many cases what the "acceptable" response is.

So, most of us (myself included) are NOT honest and open in exit interviews at the risk of . . . what?

I once finished a "Preventing Harassment Training" session where the new VP of Marketing arrived late, had a food delivery interrupt the proceedings which was irritating behavior but then he proceeded to make several harassing remarks DURING the session. (Commenting on the physical attributes and appearance of the women in the training videos, telling a dirty joke and dropping the F-word.)

After the session, I reported this behavior to my boss, the head of HR, because during the session, we repeatedly told employees to report harassing behavior and I found this man's comments unacceptable. My (female) boss's response was to tell me that I should not comment on the behavior of someone who is "above" me.

Why didn't I pursue it? Why didn't I -at the very least- mention this incident as one of the reasons I was leaving the company when I had my exit interview? (This was just one example of the misogynistic culture of this workplace, I had several more specific examples I could have shared.)

"That would be career suicide," I can hear some of you saying.

So, now I want to dig deeper and figure out WHY.

And, what is the cost of silence? Could a leader become better if we spoke up? Could others be warned?

If you have any ideas, please comment.

I'm truly intrigued.

5 Ways to Take Control of Your One-on-Ones

All stage improvisers love the magic that happens when there's great give and take in a scene. They also love the applause of the audience because it lets them know they're on the right track. The audience provides regular feedback on the performance.

Things are just the same in the improv of life.

Taking control of your one-on-one with your boss can lead to fabulous give and take; and if you're doing a good job you might even get some regular "applause" as well as consistent feedback on how you're doing!

Every good improviser understands the rules of the particular game they are playing when they step onstage. So, it just makes sense that in the improv of life you understand these basic rules to getting the most out of your one-on-ones.

Here are the three common reasons I've heard for people who avoid one-on-ones with their boss:

1. I work right next to my boss, we talk all day -there's nothing we need to discuss;
2. I have a great relationship with my boss, we're good friends, if there was anything wrong my boss would tell me;
3. I hate my boss, I don't want to spend any time alone with a person I hate.

To all three, I say this: 

You don't know what you don't know, it is highly unlikely that you will have the same boss forever and if you don't know how to sit down and manage a successful one-on-one now, then how will you do it later? Also, someday YOU might be the boss and you need to know what it takes to hold a successful one-on-one so why not get the practice NOW?? Besides, no one likes to find out at the end of the year that their "great boss" has had a complaint about their work for an entire year but saved it until the annual performance review to share -with a resultant "bad" rating!

1. SCHEDULE THE MEETING YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO

If your boss doesn't have a recurring one-on-one scheduled every week -or every other week- then take responsibility for the situation and schedule the time.

If you don't have a great relationship with your boss, or you don't get much "face time" this is a great way to build the relationship and get some uninterrupted time.

If you do have a great relationship with your boss, this is a way to build an even BETTER one.

THESE MEETINGS SHOULD BE 30 MINS AT THE MOST AND SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN A PRIVATE LOCATION SO YOU CAN BOTH SPEAK FREELY.

2. DON'T BE A "TIME THIEF", SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING

You're busy. Your boss is busy. If you save non-crucial things for your one-on-one I can guarantee it'll make your boss happier.  Think about it, there's nothing worse than a co-worker "popping in" all the time either in person or via IM with non-crucial stuff when you're trying to get something done.

You're a time-stealer if you keep popping in on your boss with those non-crucial items.

IF YOU SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING YOU SHOW YOUR BOSS THAT YOU VALUE THEIR TIME.

3. HAVE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN

Some bosses are great and have a regular structure to their one-on-ones. If that isn't the case for your boss, then come in with a plan. Even if it is a boss that you're good friends with, you need to get some concrete things discussed in the meeting. This person might not always be your boss and if you're in the habit of just chit-chatting in your one-on-ones you'll be woefully out of practice with a new boss.

Here are some sample topics to discuss in your one-on-ones:

• a) Ask if there are any new projects that are coming up that you could help with;
• b) Quickly share the status on your goals/projects;
• b) Ask any questions -or ask for help (if you need it);
• c) Ask these three questions:
• What am I currently doing that I should continue doing?
• What am I currently doing that I should stop doing?
• What am I not doing that I should start doing?

If your boss is vague or unclear, it is absolutely okay to say, "What does a successful outcome on this project look like?" Or say, "I want to be prepared for my annual review. If you have nothing I should stop/start/continue then I'm going to assume that I'm working at the top of my game and can expect highest rating at the end of the year."

If they still have nothing to say and you've been documenting all your meetings, you'll have plenty to fall back on during the dreaded annual review time (if your company still does performance reviews).

I once had an employee I coached who was completely confused about one of her annual goals. I suggested she go back to her next meeting and ask, "If I were to receive the highest rating possible on this goal, what would it look like? What exactly would I have done?"

When the boss couldn't answer that question, he removed it from her annual goals! In this way, she drilled down on all the vague goals he'd assigned her for the year until they were specific and had actionable steps that she could complete and then report in her one-on-ones. She was thrilled that year when, for the first time ever, she received the highest possible rating on all her goals.

IF YOU COME IN WITH A PLAN IT WILL NEVER BE A WASTE OF TIME.

4. FOLLOW UP AND DOCUMENT

• a) BRING A NOTEBOOK AND PEN AND TAKE NOTES DURING THE MEETING;
• b) If your boss had questions you couldn't answer, respond back within the next 12-24 hours;
• c) If your boss is the "forgetful" type, then a BRIEF email outlining what you discussed, what you promised to deliver, etc . . . is the best type of follow up;
• d) If your boss regularly cancels (without rescheduling) your one-one-ones, then attempt to reschedule it yourself;
• e) If your boss won't accept the reschedule, document that, too. Depending upon your situation, you can even respond with a BRIEF, respectful email outlining what you wanted to report/discuss in the meeting that was cancelled.

IF YOU DOCUMENT YOU CAN EASILY SHOW YOUR BOSSES' BOSS OR A NEW BOSS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. -OR- IN A WORST CASE SCENARIO SHOW HR THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO BY YOUR BOSS.

5. STICK TO IT

If you aren't regularly sitting down to one-on-ones with your boss it might seem awkward at first but stick to it, it gives you more control over your workplace and situation, no matter what it is. 

Some co-workers and bosses don't see the value in regular one-on-ones and see them as time-killers. And, guess what, they ARE time-killers if you aren't covering anything important -so make sure YOU are adding value to your one-on-ones.

Do you have any one-on-one success stories to share?

Do you have any one-on-one horror stories to share?

I always welcome comments that might help others!!

Managing Up

In the improv of life, sometimes a long-held belief or behavior needs to be shaken up so something completely different can occur.

How many times have you looked at a situation and thought, "How did we get HERE?"

While reading some really negative reviews of a company where I used to work -with most of the comments being focused on the leadership- I started thinking about business and work and how things get to the state where they are untenable.

Then, I had an epiphany.

MOST CORPORATE TRAINING PROGRAMS ARE BEING DELIVERED TO THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE!

Thinking back on my corporate days. A lot of time and money is spent on training "leaders" and honestly, I've seen it make good leaders better but I've never seen it make any difference with leaders who behave badly.

The most extreme example I experienced was a situation where a C-level leader was under pressure to get his disjointed team some management training. So, he requested a very specific training for the team but insisted on meeting with the facilitator prior to the training so it could be "customized" for the group. This exec proceed to bully the facilitator and pick the training apart, until it suited him. The training then lost it's meaning and focus. Even worse, because this exec hadn't allowed the training to be delivered in the manner it is typically delivered, a lot got lost in translation. Instead of becoming a positive tool for change, it became a weapon -until it was dropped entirely because it was "ineffective".

I've seen lots of bad-behaving leaders go through expensive training with no demonstrable positive effects, and get promoted time after time but, I've never seen those bad-behaving leaders get better at leading others.

I even went with one such leader to a 3-day offsite training. This leader was belligerent in class, sometimes even snorting in derision at the facilitator, he skipped out on about 3 hours on the last afternoon and didn't change one behavior. Yet, he was promoted. Because he'd "made an effort" (to attend the class).

So, leaders like this learn very quickly that if they "endure" the training they can continue with their bad behavior and, in fact, will get rewarded for that behavior with more money, prestige and power.

So, what incentive is there to change?

WE NEED TO FLIP THAT SCENARIO.

Face it, most training that is delivered to the front-line employees is pretty much Code of Conduct and Preventing Harassment classes. That's about it.

But, in my experience, most code of conduct violations, sexual harassment, bullying, etc comes not from front-line employees, but from the people who supervise front-line employees.

I'll never forget facilitating a Preventing Harassment session; a new VP  grudgingly slumped into the mandatory class -late- and proceeded to make fun of the material. This VP then said something so absolutely offensive that I felt like I had to report it to my boss!

Guess what my boss did? Laughed, and said. "Oh, that's just the way he is. We can't say anything because the CEO loves him. You'll get used to him."

And that's a sadly common story of how a leader gets away with bad behavior.

THAT'S WHY I THINK IT'S TIME WE GET RID OF ALL THE MANAGEMENT TRAINING.

Good managers, good leaders are going to get better no matter what. They will read and learn and seek out what they need on their own. Bad leaders don't care, so why waste money trying to get them to care?

Instead let's spend the money on recruiting more ethical leaders. I think it's time to start creating an environment where it becomes uncomfortable to be a leader who uses bad behavior. I think it is time to focus all training dollars on front-line employees.

I think these employees need coaching and training that teaches them how to work ethically and gives them genuine skills (and corporate support) to navigate unethical leaders.

Imagine a nation of front-line employees who know how to effectively "manage up" and deflect and call out unethical behavior in a leader!

Imagine a nation of businesses (large and small) who support all employees by rewarding good employees (and good leaders) and by not accepting bad behavior from anyone!

Within a generation, we'd have amazing leaders!

What's the worst behavior you've experienced from a "leader"?

What's the best behavior you've seen in a leader?

Good Boss or Bad Boss?

Leaders, how do you REALLY know if you have a "good" boss or a "bad" boss? There are websites devoted to stories of "bad" bosses -even a movie! But, I haven't found any devoted to "good" bosses.

In my years in HR, I had people who had what I would consider a "good" boss but that employee didn't like the boss; usually because the boss expected their employees to be on time, finish their work, communicate effectively -that kind of stuff!

I've also seen great employees who couldn't figure out why they were unhappy and were sitting in my office because they earnestly wanted to do a better job. But, really, when you got down to it, these employees were doing their best and could never please their boss; not realizing that their boss was simply awful!

Bob Sutton (who wrote the "No A-hole Rule" and "Good Boss, Bad Boss")has a test, to help you determine whether your boss is "good" or "bad".

You can take the test here: http://goodbadboss.com/

A warning, though, if your boss comes up high on the 20 point scale, the advice may be: "If you cannot get him or her fired, get out as soon as you can."

Do you love your boss? Hate your boss? What qualities make a "good" boss.