The Cost of Silence

Why is it socially unacceptable to call out and describe a leader's specific behavior and the negative impact it has had on you -or the workplace?

This thought hit me yesterday when a friend of mine, in a Facebook thread, made a comment about the behavior of a boss at a former workplace. The behavior was, at best, misguided; and, worst, potentially illegal (it involved the withholding of a workplace benefit.) At some point in the discussion my friend apologized for potentially committing a faux pas by sharing something negative about a former boss. (Mind you, this friend did not mention this person by name.)

I commented that I didn't think it was a faux pas and, like I said, it got me to thinking about why our society doesn't find it acceptable to comment on situations like this where the manager's behavior would be considered by most reasonable people to be negative and out of line.

I have had some great bosses over the years. I discussed their behavior openly with friends and colleagues. "Oh, I really loved working for Mr. ABC because he always listened to our ideas and either accepted them or didn't, but, he always listened with openness and interest."

I've also had some awful bosses over the years yet, those bosses I endured and/or left to work somewhere else. Except with those closest to me,  I never openly discussed the behavior of those bosses.

Why is it bad form to discuss why I left? Why is it bad form to describe a behavior and its negative impact?

Leaders talk about their employees and their behavior all the time and it seems socially "acceptable" to discuss a "bad employee" with others. 

I'm not talking about "blanket" generalities here, I honestly think its unproductive to say, "So and So was a jerk." But I'm asking this: Why isn't it an accepted practice to share specific examples to let others know what is going on in a workplace if it is negative?

I've never done it, myself, because I always understood that this wasn't the "way things are done" but now, in retrospect, I'm wondering why I didn't explain WHY I left in my exit interviews, the two times in my career when I was leaving because of a boss and/or company culture that I could no longer support or endure.

In the improv of life, there are as many unique ways to accept one of life's "offers" and respond to it as there are people, but, it is very clear in many cases what the "acceptable" response is.

So, most of us (myself included) are NOT honest and open in exit interviews at the risk of . . . what?

I once finished a "Preventing Harassment Training" session where the new VP of Marketing arrived late, had a food delivery interrupt the proceedings which was irritating behavior but then he proceeded to make several harassing remarks DURING the session. (Commenting on the physical attributes and appearance of the women in the training videos, telling a dirty joke and dropping the F-word.)

After the session, I reported this behavior to my boss, the head of HR, because during the session, we repeatedly told employees to report harassing behavior and I found this man's comments unacceptable. My (female) boss's response was to tell me that I should not comment on the behavior of someone who is "above" me.

Why didn't I pursue it? Why didn't I -at the very least- mention this incident as one of the reasons I was leaving the company when I had my exit interview? (This was just one example of the misogynistic culture of this workplace, I had several more specific examples I could have shared.)

"That would be career suicide," I can hear some of you saying.

So, now I want to dig deeper and figure out WHY.

And, what is the cost of silence? Could a leader become better if we spoke up? Could others be warned?

If you have any ideas, please comment.

I'm truly intrigued.

Managing Up

In the improv of life, sometimes a long-held belief or behavior needs to be shaken up so something completely different can occur.

How many times have you looked at a situation and thought, "How did we get HERE?"

While reading some really negative reviews of a company where I used to work -with most of the comments being focused on the leadership- I started thinking about business and work and how things get to the state where they are untenable.

Then, I had an epiphany.

MOST CORPORATE TRAINING PROGRAMS ARE BEING DELIVERED TO THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE!

Thinking back on my corporate days. A lot of time and money is spent on training "leaders" and honestly, I've seen it make good leaders better but I've never seen it make any difference with leaders who behave badly.

The most extreme example I experienced was a situation where a C-level leader was under pressure to get his disjointed team some management training. So, he requested a very specific training for the team but insisted on meeting with the facilitator prior to the training so it could be "customized" for the group. This exec proceed to bully the facilitator and pick the training apart, until it suited him. The training then lost it's meaning and focus. Even worse, because this exec hadn't allowed the training to be delivered in the manner it is typically delivered, a lot got lost in translation. Instead of becoming a positive tool for change, it became a weapon -until it was dropped entirely because it was "ineffective".

I've seen lots of bad-behaving leaders go through expensive training with no demonstrable positive effects, and get promoted time after time but, I've never seen those bad-behaving leaders get better at leading others.

I even went with one such leader to a 3-day offsite training. This leader was belligerent in class, sometimes even snorting in derision at the facilitator, he skipped out on about 3 hours on the last afternoon and didn't change one behavior. Yet, he was promoted. Because he'd "made an effort" (to attend the class).

So, leaders like this learn very quickly that if they "endure" the training they can continue with their bad behavior and, in fact, will get rewarded for that behavior with more money, prestige and power.

So, what incentive is there to change?

WE NEED TO FLIP THAT SCENARIO.

Face it, most training that is delivered to the front-line employees is pretty much Code of Conduct and Preventing Harassment classes. That's about it.

But, in my experience, most code of conduct violations, sexual harassment, bullying, etc comes not from front-line employees, but from the people who supervise front-line employees.

I'll never forget facilitating a Preventing Harassment session; a new VP  grudgingly slumped into the mandatory class -late- and proceeded to make fun of the material. This VP then said something so absolutely offensive that I felt like I had to report it to my boss!

Guess what my boss did? Laughed, and said. "Oh, that's just the way he is. We can't say anything because the CEO loves him. You'll get used to him."

And that's a sadly common story of how a leader gets away with bad behavior.

THAT'S WHY I THINK IT'S TIME WE GET RID OF ALL THE MANAGEMENT TRAINING.

Good managers, good leaders are going to get better no matter what. They will read and learn and seek out what they need on their own. Bad leaders don't care, so why waste money trying to get them to care?

Instead let's spend the money on recruiting more ethical leaders. I think it's time to start creating an environment where it becomes uncomfortable to be a leader who uses bad behavior. I think it is time to focus all training dollars on front-line employees.

I think these employees need coaching and training that teaches them how to work ethically and gives them genuine skills (and corporate support) to navigate unethical leaders.

Imagine a nation of front-line employees who know how to effectively "manage up" and deflect and call out unethical behavior in a leader!

Imagine a nation of businesses (large and small) who support all employees by rewarding good employees (and good leaders) and by not accepting bad behavior from anyone!

Within a generation, we'd have amazing leaders!

What's the worst behavior you've experienced from a "leader"?

What's the best behavior you've seen in a leader?

Queen Bees and Kingpins

I can improvise with anyone; though I prefer to improvise with friends. Friends are kind and generous; we trust and RESPECT each other well enough to work TOGETHER to make a great scene. That kind of improv is exhilarating. Those are the same people I can go to and get a "gut check" when something feels wrong. And those are the same people that give me kind and constructive guidance when I'm out of line. In the workplace, life is much better when we trust and respect those we interact with regularly.

On that note, I had an interesting "gut check" conversation yesterday with a friend about bullying in the workplace. It happens. But, as it is happening so many people (especially managment-types) seem to sit back and accept -and often REWARD- bullying behavior that it is easy to feel a little crazy about what is going on. Remember, the people you work with often won't speak up because they are afraid, they don't see that life has infinite choices and they are not willing to do anything that they (think) might put their job on the line.

Let's face it, most companies don't know how to deal with bullying behavior because it doesn't fall into the neat and tidy box of "sexual harassment". Sexual harassment is against the law and can be prosecuted. Most companies have steps in place to deal swiftly with the behavior. Fact is, that most bullies are crafty enough to avoid sexually harassing others; these types know exactly how to manipulate and work in that gray area of bullying but they (usually) stay away from full-out sexual harassment.

If a company ignores or excuses bullying behavior they are condoning it. If a company promotes bullies regularly it is a toxic environment. Plain and simple.

As a nation we are so focused on the bullying of children and teens that we forget that kid bullies often grow up to be adult bullies - grow up to be workplace bullies.

In this great improv of life you have infinite choices. . . .

Does your company have a "No A-hole Policy" (Good ones do, and they enforce it.) If that's the case, your first choice might be to report it.

If you report something, be very clear about this person's behavior -not your judgment or feelings. Saying, "He is a jerk in meetings," isn't as strong as saying, "He sat in our last meeting in an aggressive posture, with his arms crossed and rolling his eyes and snorted when I spoke and when other people spoke. When he did this, I noticed other people shifting in their seats and dropping their eyes, visibly uncomfortable. At one point he slammed his fist on the table and thrust his finger in Sam's chest saying,  'you're an idiot'." Behavioral examples are a LOT stronger and remove YOUR emotion about the topic; by using them  you stand a better chance of remaining professional and being believed.

Is the company going to allow/ignore the behavior? Accept that and move your life's improv on from there.

I will confess that when I had my most bullying boss I sat down and consciously explored my options. I  determined that my main goal was to pay off my house and I wasn't going to let this person stand in my way. I chose to stay at the company (but did interview elsewhere during that time, exploring other choices). I understood why I was staying and then focused on what I could control outside of that situation. I filled my time off with focusing on creative endeavors and enjoying my family and friends. The boss ultimately left and I still had my job AND had created and written a show for myself that I still perform. My life. My rules. I won't lie and say it wasn't frustrating and demeaning and demoralizing at times but I made sure that I created outlets for myself and a network of non-work friends I could talk with and that's how I chose to play out that improv.

Is there a bully in your workplace? What are you gonna do about it??

Insight and tools:

Washington State Department of Labor & Industries research and insight on bullying in the workplace.

Even if the workplace bully isn't your boss, if they are someone with power to affect your career, you might want to review my post on Good Boss, Bad Boss and take the BRASSHOLE test.

Rosalind Wiseman wrote a brilliant book about girls and their bullying behavior called QUEEN BEES AND WANNABES. She then followed that up with QUEEN BEE MOMS AND KINGPIN DADS. The latter book focuses directly on the bullying and abusive behavior that occurs amongst kids and their parents. I've read it and thought some of the advice would apply to workplace situations also.

Sex, Drugs & Human Resources

Hi friends! Here's a secret from the HR department that will save you a lot of pain: Don't violate your company's Code of Conduct and/or Sexual Harassment policy. Even if all the cool kids are doing something.

Guess what? If you do something your boss told you to do and you know it violates your company's policies but you do it anyway, well, that doesn't hold up in a court of law.

Guess what? Some bosses aren't ethical. Some co-workers aren't ethical either. You might have to say, "No." You might have to report something. It sucks, but, it's better to be prepared -rather than shocked- if someone does something that you have to respectfully refuse to do, or you know you have to report.

Guess what? Some of your co-workers might say something offensive or inappropriate in the workplace. (It happens ALL the time, trust me.) Guess what? You might say something offensive or inappropriate in the workplace. I really believe that most people don't come to work planning to offend but sometimes they do. If you witness something that is potentially a problem, a quick comment to the person who said it might be the kindest thing you can do to help them out. (Hey, friendly co-worker, I think you might've upset Chris with that joke you made about -fill in the blank-.)

That gives them the opportunity to go to Chris with an apology.

Guess what? An apology goes a loooooong way. If someone has the guts to tell you that they found something you said/did offensive, then apologize. Apologizing doesn't mean that you are agreeing with them. If you truly don't understand what was offensive, then politely ask. So you don't do it again. Or, so you can have a conversation with HR and say, "Give me a gut-check, on this, I apologized but don't understand what's so offensive . . . ."

How ethical is your workplace? Have you ever been asked to do something unethical? Have you witnessed or experienced harassment?