Choosing Avoidance

Don't ever think that ignoring a situation or doing nothing puts the responsibility for the results outside of yourself -or gives you the freedom to blame others for the results.

In fact, it is just the opposite.

Ignoring a situation or doing nothing is a definite choice in which you release your power and assume even more responsibility for the results (or consequences) of your inaction, whether you like it or not.

Performing improv quickly teaches us that we cannot control the offers that come our way; and that we sometimes might not even like an offer. However, we understand that our power and responsibility lies entirely in how we choose to respond and act on those offers. Accepting and acting on those offers is how two players balance the power and responsibility for a scene between each other.

An audience observing an improvised scene in which one player chooses to stop participating can easily see how both players started out sharing the power and responsibility to bring an enjoyable scene to the stage.

When one player gives up on the scene and stops doing anything the audience immediately notices the shift as the other partner assumes all the power in order to finish the scene. The audience also immediately understands that all responsibility for the lousy scene is firmly placed on the player who chose to do nothing.

All the same rules apply to the improv of life, only the stakes are higher.

We cannot control the situations that life offers us but, we have absolute power over the choices we make to respond to those situations.

If we want to maintain an equal balance of power and responsibility, we have to accept the situation and do something.

• If we ignore the leak in our tire, we are choosing to get a flat and assume all responsibility for being stranded someplace.
• If we do nothing about the vines growing up the side of our house, we are choosing to have our house damaged by invasive weeds and potentially becoming unlivable.
• If we ignore the warning signs, we are choosing to end up with health problems that could put us in the hospital, or worse.

As we choose to do nothing or ignore a situation that life offers us, the "audience" of family, friends and loved ones who circle around us are there, observing.

Even worse, one or more of the audience might have encouraged us to act, tried to help us, or warned us about the potential consequences of inaction but we chose to ignore those warnings, or lashed out in anger and pushed that person away.

Friends, we are always responsible for the results of our choices, and this responsibility is magnified when we choose to do nothing.

Always.

That's how the improv of life works.

Be Gone, You Have No Power Here

Today I forgot that I have the magical superpower of choice.

Today, I received a nasty email -sent from one member- to an entire group of which I'm a part. I'm not too proud to admit that the email PISSED ME OFF when I first read it.

Has that ever happened to you? Someone's words slice into your happy day and leave you shocked, bleeding, and angry?

"What the he$* is  THINKING?" I shouted at the screen.

I stood up. Fumed around. Stomped around. Sat down and started to type a response.

Then I had this superpower flash. (Thank goodness.) I remembered that life is one big improv. For every offer (like that email) there are a zillion ways I can respond. In the privacy of my own home, responding to an email, I have the luxury of time. I have the breathing room to try out a bunch of different responses BEFORE the crazy-monkey-mad-fight-or-flight part of my brain feeds me nasty words and has me hit "reply all".

In this life-scene, the flame throwing email-writer WANTED to get a reaction -this person was writing the entire scene, instead of inviting participation! Not on my watch! From a place of calm, I was able to process it. I brainstormed a little which brought me to some realizations:

• This person has a pattern of aggressiveness via email.
• This person has a pattern of criticizing but not participating. 

Oh my word.

I succumbed! I gave POWER over my emotions! 

Only for a minute, though.

Then I laughed and deleted my response to the original email.

I did my best Billie-Burke-as-Glinda impersonation and said to the inflammatory email, "Be GONE. You have no power here," and deleted it.

I blocked the offer. I refused to play that scene.

With that choice I cannot re-read the email and get mad all over again.

With that choice I cut those words out of my life.

I reclaimed my super power.

I'm SO glad I didn't send that email I started.

Next time,  I won't let it bother me at all.

Queen Bees and Kingpins

I can improvise with anyone; though I prefer to improvise with friends. Friends are kind and generous; we trust and RESPECT each other well enough to work TOGETHER to make a great scene. That kind of improv is exhilarating. Those are the same people I can go to and get a "gut check" when something feels wrong. And those are the same people that give me kind and constructive guidance when I'm out of line. In the workplace, life is much better when we trust and respect those we interact with regularly.

On that note, I had an interesting "gut check" conversation yesterday with a friend about bullying in the workplace. It happens. But, as it is happening so many people (especially managment-types) seem to sit back and accept -and often REWARD- bullying behavior that it is easy to feel a little crazy about what is going on. Remember, the people you work with often won't speak up because they are afraid, they don't see that life has infinite choices and they are not willing to do anything that they (think) might put their job on the line.

Let's face it, most companies don't know how to deal with bullying behavior because it doesn't fall into the neat and tidy box of "sexual harassment". Sexual harassment is against the law and can be prosecuted. Most companies have steps in place to deal swiftly with the behavior. Fact is, that most bullies are crafty enough to avoid sexually harassing others; these types know exactly how to manipulate and work in that gray area of bullying but they (usually) stay away from full-out sexual harassment.

If a company ignores or excuses bullying behavior they are condoning it. If a company promotes bullies regularly it is a toxic environment. Plain and simple.

As a nation we are so focused on the bullying of children and teens that we forget that kid bullies often grow up to be adult bullies - grow up to be workplace bullies.

In this great improv of life you have infinite choices. . . .

Does your company have a "No A-hole Policy" (Good ones do, and they enforce it.) If that's the case, your first choice might be to report it.

If you report something, be very clear about this person's behavior -not your judgment or feelings. Saying, "He is a jerk in meetings," isn't as strong as saying, "He sat in our last meeting in an aggressive posture, with his arms crossed and rolling his eyes and snorted when I spoke and when other people spoke. When he did this, I noticed other people shifting in their seats and dropping their eyes, visibly uncomfortable. At one point he slammed his fist on the table and thrust his finger in Sam's chest saying,  'you're an idiot'." Behavioral examples are a LOT stronger and remove YOUR emotion about the topic; by using them  you stand a better chance of remaining professional and being believed.

Is the company going to allow/ignore the behavior? Accept that and move your life's improv on from there.

I will confess that when I had my most bullying boss I sat down and consciously explored my options. I  determined that my main goal was to pay off my house and I wasn't going to let this person stand in my way. I chose to stay at the company (but did interview elsewhere during that time, exploring other choices). I understood why I was staying and then focused on what I could control outside of that situation. I filled my time off with focusing on creative endeavors and enjoying my family and friends. The boss ultimately left and I still had my job AND had created and written a show for myself that I still perform. My life. My rules. I won't lie and say it wasn't frustrating and demeaning and demoralizing at times but I made sure that I created outlets for myself and a network of non-work friends I could talk with and that's how I chose to play out that improv.

Is there a bully in your workplace? What are you gonna do about it??

Insight and tools:

Washington State Department of Labor & Industries research and insight on bullying in the workplace.

Even if the workplace bully isn't your boss, if they are someone with power to affect your career, you might want to review my post on Good Boss, Bad Boss and take the BRASSHOLE test.

Rosalind Wiseman wrote a brilliant book about girls and their bullying behavior called QUEEN BEES AND WANNABES. She then followed that up with QUEEN BEE MOMS AND KINGPIN DADS. The latter book focuses directly on the bullying and abusive behavior that occurs amongst kids and their parents. I've read it and thought some of the advice would apply to workplace situations also.