WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO THAT LIFE RAFT?

You may be clinging to the past if you've ever uttered these words at work: "We tried that once and it didn't work."

You may be clinging to the past if you're still blaming your parents, your ex, your significant other or your 3rd grade teacher for anything that isn't working in your life today.

You may be clinging to the past if you believe your old dishwasher works when it really doesn't.

That's where I am today.

I  have to pre-wash the dishes before they go in, which absolutely defeats the purpose of having a dishwasher in the first place.

I'm happy to say that I (think) I'm  finally moving out of the denial phase and realizing that we either need to call our local repair guy or get a new dishwasher.

Because I'm an improviser, there are a zillion options, really, now that I've finally accepted life's offer of a broken dishwasher.

Onstage, doing an improv scene, it would've been much easier and much quicker. My scene partner might've said, "Honey this dishwasher isn't working. I've run the dishes through twice and they're still as dirty as they were before."

"You're right, " I'd answer, "It's time to call that repair man who worked his voodoo magic on our fridge last year."

Oh and the scene could move on quite nicely from there.

But, in the improv of life, it's often harder to accept what's happening and move forward.

As if our very existence depended up on it, we cling to beliefs, situations and people that are no longer necessary or are carrying us to unhappiness and danger.

Life rafts aren't intended to be lived upon. They are merely there until we can get to something better.

Some folks get on a life raft and paddle away, making slow progress towards the shore. They do what they can to survive until they finally reach dry land. Sometimes, these life rafts to which we cling are soooooo close to shore but we're so busy surviving on the raft, we don't even realize it. Everyone on dry land can see we're only in a few inches of water and if we'd just let go and stand up, we'd walk to the new opportunities right next to us! Once we finally stand up and slog those last few feet into shore, we feel amazing!! That's where I am with the dishwasher, I've been merely surviving instead of moving on to what I know needs to happen.

But, some people clamber onto that life raft of denial and think they're home free. They refuse to believe they're stuck in the sea and just try to live the way they always have. They ignore all warnings, refuse all offers for assistance as others watch helplessly as that life raft heads to deeper waters.

How many life rafts are supporting your denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into a new place?

In the improv of life, is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

I've seen people lose their jobs in a layoff because they'd spent the last 10 months refusing to use and/or learn a new way of doing something. They just bobbed along on their life raft, doing it the "old" way because they just wouldn't accept the new. Then when the life raft was ripped out from under them they were stunned to find themselves in a place they didn't like.

I've seen organizations push away eager volunteers and slowly spiral downward because too many folks refused to acknowledge that it was time to let go of one or two toxic people or the "old" way of doing things. One-by-one, new volunteers would come in, work to make positive changes, and leave when they realized that all their hard work was being undermined by that one person who'd been "a volunteer forever". The organization was clinging to the old times as the entire raft sank into the sea.

So, I've been breaking the rules. I've been blocking what life has offered by refusing to believe there's anything wrong with my dishwasher, even though it's been working like crap since the beginning of summer. That's the life raft to which I've been clinging.

I guess I'm clinging to the past because I really liked this dishwasher. We have a tiny house and we went to the trouble of special-ordering a smaller model than is usually sold in stores. I guess I'm clinging to the past and living in denial because it is going to cost me money and time.

But, when I look at the situation objectively, I see that the fact that its broken is costing me money and time, too. I'm wasting hot water (money) and standing there washing them by hand (time).

So, today, I'm accepting the offer that life has thrown. Time for a new dishwasher!

How many life rafts are supporting you denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into uncomfortable territory.

Is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

Choosing Avoidance

Don't ever think that ignoring a situation or doing nothing puts the responsibility for the results outside of yourself -or gives you the freedom to blame others for the results.

In fact, it is just the opposite.

Ignoring a situation or doing nothing is a definite choice in which you release your power and assume even more responsibility for the results (or consequences) of your inaction, whether you like it or not.

Performing improv quickly teaches us that we cannot control the offers that come our way; and that we sometimes might not even like an offer. However, we understand that our power and responsibility lies entirely in how we choose to respond and act on those offers. Accepting and acting on those offers is how two players balance the power and responsibility for a scene between each other.

An audience observing an improvised scene in which one player chooses to stop participating can easily see how both players started out sharing the power and responsibility to bring an enjoyable scene to the stage.

When one player gives up on the scene and stops doing anything the audience immediately notices the shift as the other partner assumes all the power in order to finish the scene. The audience also immediately understands that all responsibility for the lousy scene is firmly placed on the player who chose to do nothing.

All the same rules apply to the improv of life, only the stakes are higher.

We cannot control the situations that life offers us but, we have absolute power over the choices we make to respond to those situations.

If we want to maintain an equal balance of power and responsibility, we have to accept the situation and do something.

• If we ignore the leak in our tire, we are choosing to get a flat and assume all responsibility for being stranded someplace.
• If we do nothing about the vines growing up the side of our house, we are choosing to have our house damaged by invasive weeds and potentially becoming unlivable.
• If we ignore the warning signs, we are choosing to end up with health problems that could put us in the hospital, or worse.

As we choose to do nothing or ignore a situation that life offers us, the "audience" of family, friends and loved ones who circle around us are there, observing.

Even worse, one or more of the audience might have encouraged us to act, tried to help us, or warned us about the potential consequences of inaction but we chose to ignore those warnings, or lashed out in anger and pushed that person away.

Friends, we are always responsible for the results of our choices, and this responsibility is magnified when we choose to do nothing.

Always.

That's how the improv of life works.

When You See It Say It

In the improv of life there are as many ways to do something as there are people on this planet. Some choices bring positive results and some choices bring negative results. The most successful Leaders practice choices that encourage and build up, rather than humiliate and tear down. One positive choice for Leaders is to follow the "When you see it, say it" principle.

Profoundly simple in theory but difficult in practice. And, it can be applied to ALL aspects of life.

Just like good improv, getting really good at "when you see it, say it" takes practice and like all improv games, there are a couple of rules:

1. If you see something good, praise it publicly and specifically; and,
2. If you see something that needs correction, do that privately and specifically.

Both these rules should be applied as soon as possible after the behavior that deserves praise or requires correction.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING GOOD, PRAISE IT PUBLICLY AND SPECIFICALLY

Saying "thank you" and/or "great job" is nice but not good enough.

Those two phrases need to be followed up with specifics. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't feel noticed and appreciated when they are thanked or praised specifically for something they did.

Specific praise is sure to encourage repeat behavior and, if you're really feeling frisky, you can do something nice in return!

For example, our daughter cleaned her room without being asked. I made sure her brother was also around when I said, "Thank you for cleaning your room without being asked, that made me so happy that you knew that company was coming over and saved me the stress of repeatedly asking you to clean up. I wanted to do something nice for you so, I washed and put away your clothes."

Since that time, she's cleaned her room two other times, without being asked -both times when she knew I would've asked because people were coming over!

Here are some examples of different types of specific praise.

Practice praise with your employees: "When you did XYZ it really made the customer's experience better I could see by their smile that they were grateful and the icing on the cake is when they said, 'You have a customer for life,' thank you for making us all look good!

Practice praise with your co-workers: "I just want to take a minute out of this meeting to thank Chris for pitching in and helping me get that collating project done yesterday. It looked so much better than it would have if I'd done it alone and the customer couldn't stop saying nice things about how it turned out."

Practice praise with your spouse or significant other: "Honey, thank you for making that sweet comment about my lasagna, when your Mom was over. It made me feel good to know that all that effort to learn a new recipe was appreciated."

Practice praise with your children: "Thank you for noticing the garbage was full and taking it out without being asked,  it was really great today when I was helping your brother with his art project and I didn't have to stop everything take out an overflowing garbage bag."

Practice praise with volunteers: "Thank you so much for showing up on time for your volunteer shift, it makes it so much easier for everyone to know we're fully staffed."

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS CORRECTION, DO THAT PRIVATELY

Think back to a time when you were corrected in public. It didn't feel so much like a correction as a humiliation, didn't it? When people are humiliated they feel angry. Angry people might lash out, make excuses, stop trying or quit.

Poor managers -the ones that act like bullies- praise privately (or not at all) and correct publicly.

No one feels respected when that happens.  Leaders don't humiliate others.

Just like praise, correction needs to be specific. It also needs to be followed up with an expectation for future behavior. Private and specific correction is also something that needs to be practiced and takes a lot more finesse.

Also, when correcting others you cannot dwell on the past. Refrain from asking "Why did you?" or "What were you thinking?" because those phrases just keeps things stuck. Look to the future.

Practice correction with your employees: "When you said XYZ to the customer, I noticed that he got very agitated and it looks like he left angry. I'd like you to say something different the next time a situation like this comes up. Saying ABC or DEF has worked for me in the past."

Practice correction with your co-workers: "This is hard for me to say but, I need your help. When I was on that client call a little while ago, you were talking to Sam really loudly and it was hard for me to hear what the client was saying. Could you help me out and talk more quietly the next time you see I'm on the phone? I promise I'll do the same for you."

Practice correction with your spouse or significant other: "Honey, when you dump the clothes right outside the hamper it hurts my back to bend over and pick it all up. Could you please either put your dirty clothes into the hamper or pile it on top of the dryer so I don't have to bend down so much?"

Practice correction with your kids: "When adults are talking to you, it feels very disrespectful when you're looking at your phone. I noticed you were staring at your phone when Grandma was talking and you didn't even noticed that she stopped mid-sentence. From now on, when any grownup is talking to you, I expect you to turn your phone face-down and look them in the eye and respond politely."

Practicing correction with volunteers takes special finesse. It must be done ESPECIALLY kindly and gently! And works best if you set up ALL expectations before the volunteer even starts helping out. "Hey, I'm not sure I ever told you this but, part of this task is straightening up the desk area after your shift. It's one of those nice things that makes it easier for the next person. I know I'm always grateful when I come in and don't have to clean up the desk before I get started."

Three final notes on correction:

Keep your mouth firmly closed if the thing you are "correcting" is:
1. A personal preference. Everyone has a different version of "on time". If you called a meeting for noon but you personally consider people late if they're not there at 11:55 that's your own "stuff" and not anything that needs correcting if your employee is sitting in that meeting room by noon.

2. An unexplained expectation. Don't assume anything. If you ask your kid to clean the bathroom and he's never done it before, but gives it a try anyway, you should thank him, not correct him! And next time you ask him to do a brand-new task, correct your own behavior by TEACHING him how to do it, first!

3. Not behavior you're willing to model yourself. Most people can't respect someone who doesn't do what they expect others to do.

Do you know a Leader who chooses the "when you see it, say it" model?

Do you know a person who does the opposite?

Please share any great examples of either style!