Letting Go of Those Who Are Depleting You

When performing with other improvisers, there are some folks who are exhausting to work with. These are the improvisers who follow the rules of improv - but only barely.

These are the improvisers who make you work extra hard to keep the scene on track.

After the scene you don't feel good about the encounter.  You feel exhausted.

In the improv of life, there are people in our world like that, too.

In fact if you paused for one moment you could probably name at least 3 - 5 folks who, after spending time with them you are ready for a nap because their behavior leaves you feeling exhausted!

(And before we judge, remember, we might be that person in someone else's life!)

Here's the truth: you cannot change someone else's behavior. But, you can change how much TIME you spend with that person.

If you have "friends", family members, co-workers or bosses who exhibit one or more of these behaviors, you might want to reconsider their place in your life and how much time you devote to them.

1. SILENT TREATMENT -this behavior is exhibited by a person who refuses to talk with you or gives short, one-word answers. When you ask what is wrong, they say, "Nothing," or "You should KNOW." Nope. I don't know a single mind-reader. This behavior is offensive and manipulative.
2. NEVER-ENDING CRITICISM - this behavior is exhibited by folks who never have anything nice to say. They criticize everything you do (and criticize your other friends behind their backs). This behavior is an attempt to diminish and demean. Nothing, more, nothing less. People who are enriching your life build you up and offer advice and correction but never tear-you-down criticism.
3. BAD BREAKUPS -this behavior is exhibited by folks who never leave a relationship on a good note, whether it be a job, a relationship or a friendship.  In these breakups, they are always the victim, the slighted one, the one mistreated (according to them). Beware, it is only a matter of time until they find some reason you've wronged them, too.
4. TAKING OFFENSE - this behavior is exhibited by folks who are continually "offended" by everyone around them. You find yourself walking on eggshells -considering your words carefully- whenever you're around them because one slip up and they'll let you know for days, weeks, months how you mistreated them. Even worse, people who behave this way often have an uncanny way of taking offense at that thing you did in an effort to be nice or help them in some way.
5. FALLING OUTSIDE THE "REASONABLE PERSON" STANDARD -this behavior is exhibited by over-reaction to what a "reasonable person" wouldn't be bothered by. In a court of law, we ask if a reasonable person would be offended, or react to a certain scenario. This behavior usually goes hand-in-hand with "taking offense".

Past behavior indicates future behavior. If you feel "lucky" because your friend, family member, co-worker or boss hasn't exhibited any of these behaviors with you, it's really only a matter of time.

If you spend ANY time wondering where you stand with a friend, feeling guilty but not understanding why or apologizing for something that wouldn't have upset a reasonable person I suggest you move away from that relationship.

In the instances of workplace relationships, you should always be polite but don't let these people into your circle of friends.

Do you have any more behaviors to add to my list?

The Power of Generosity

True and purposeful generosity makes you strong.

When actors are improvising together, it is a true collaboration. The best scenes occur when each actor is generously creating situations for the other actor to do something that fits perfectly in their sweet spot. Scenes where both actors are building each other up -making each other look "good" - are a joy to perform and a joy for the audience to watch. Those scenes are a success.

That seems counterintuitive to a lot of people. A lot of people think that success involves climbing to the top through any means possible. A lot of people think the only way to do this is to make others look "bad".

Those folks see others in the same field or business as "competition" and cannot understand why anyone would go out of their way to make the competition look good.

To those people I'd kindly and respectfully ask, "How is that working for you? Do you really want to live there?"

I know I'd rather live in a place of generosity. I'd rather live in a place of abundance where the success of my colleague, neighbor or peer is only an reminder that such success is possible and a similar success can be mine.

In the improv of life, we gain confidence, strength and power from this purposeful generosity.

In the improv of life, when you live in purposeful generosity, you are living in a powerful world of abundance and possibility rather than a world of limits and "not enough to go around".

Please understand:

I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU SAY "YES" TO EVERY REQUEST OF YOUR TIME, MONEY OR TALENTS. 

I'm suggesting you practice continual, purposeful generosity and collaboration. I'm suggesting you take your precious time and if you are going to talk about others you do so to build them up for their "wins" rather than tear them down for their weaknesses.

I'm suggesting you delight in the success of others and if you can play a small part in that success with your purposeful generosity then you should do so.

What does purposeful generosity look like in the improv of life?

It looks like taking a few extra seconds to type a positive comment rather than just "liking" or retweeting in social media.

It looks like sitting down to coffee with someone who you genuinely like and sharing your knowledge or expertise.

It looks like teaching a new skill to someone who you genuinely like.

It looks like sharing a job posting, or an interesting article to someone who you think could genuinely use the information.

It looks like making time in your schedule for those who report directly to you by scheduling weekly one-to-ones. During these, make sure you take notes and follow up on what you promise to do.

It looks like taking the time to find out where your direct reports or volunteers feel they are most in their flow and finding opportunities to place them there.

It looks like publicly congratulating a colleague or peer for their successes.

It looks like sharing your "finds" and connecting talented people with one another.

It looks like being honest and saying "no" when you don't have the bandwidth to give anything but 100% on something.

What would you add to this list?