5 Ways to Take Control of Your One-on-Ones

All stage improvisers love the magic that happens when there's great give and take in a scene. They also love the applause of the audience because it lets them know they're on the right track. The audience provides regular feedback on the performance.

Things are just the same in the improv of life.

Taking control of your one-on-one with your boss can lead to fabulous give and take; and if you're doing a good job you might even get some regular "applause" as well as consistent feedback on how you're doing!

Every good improviser understands the rules of the particular game they are playing when they step onstage. So, it just makes sense that in the improv of life you understand these basic rules to getting the most out of your one-on-ones.

Here are the three common reasons I've heard for people who avoid one-on-ones with their boss:

1. I work right next to my boss, we talk all day -there's nothing we need to discuss;
2. I have a great relationship with my boss, we're good friends, if there was anything wrong my boss would tell me;
3. I hate my boss, I don't want to spend any time alone with a person I hate.

To all three, I say this: 

You don't know what you don't know, it is highly unlikely that you will have the same boss forever and if you don't know how to sit down and manage a successful one-on-one now, then how will you do it later? Also, someday YOU might be the boss and you need to know what it takes to hold a successful one-on-one so why not get the practice NOW?? Besides, no one likes to find out at the end of the year that their "great boss" has had a complaint about their work for an entire year but saved it until the annual performance review to share -with a resultant "bad" rating!

1. SCHEDULE THE MEETING YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO

If your boss doesn't have a recurring one-on-one scheduled every week -or every other week- then take responsibility for the situation and schedule the time.

If you don't have a great relationship with your boss, or you don't get much "face time" this is a great way to build the relationship and get some uninterrupted time.

If you do have a great relationship with your boss, this is a way to build an even BETTER one.

THESE MEETINGS SHOULD BE 30 MINS AT THE MOST AND SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN A PRIVATE LOCATION SO YOU CAN BOTH SPEAK FREELY.

2. DON'T BE A "TIME THIEF", SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING

You're busy. Your boss is busy. If you save non-crucial things for your one-on-one I can guarantee it'll make your boss happier.  Think about it, there's nothing worse than a co-worker "popping in" all the time either in person or via IM with non-crucial stuff when you're trying to get something done.

You're a time-stealer if you keep popping in on your boss with those non-crucial items.

IF YOU SAVE IT FOR THE MEETING YOU SHOW YOUR BOSS THAT YOU VALUE THEIR TIME.

3. HAVE A PLAN AND WORK THE PLAN

Some bosses are great and have a regular structure to their one-on-ones. If that isn't the case for your boss, then come in with a plan. Even if it is a boss that you're good friends with, you need to get some concrete things discussed in the meeting. This person might not always be your boss and if you're in the habit of just chit-chatting in your one-on-ones you'll be woefully out of practice with a new boss.

Here are some sample topics to discuss in your one-on-ones:

• a) Ask if there are any new projects that are coming up that you could help with;
• b) Quickly share the status on your goals/projects;
• b) Ask any questions -or ask for help (if you need it);
• c) Ask these three questions:
• What am I currently doing that I should continue doing?
• What am I currently doing that I should stop doing?
• What am I not doing that I should start doing?

If your boss is vague or unclear, it is absolutely okay to say, "What does a successful outcome on this project look like?" Or say, "I want to be prepared for my annual review. If you have nothing I should stop/start/continue then I'm going to assume that I'm working at the top of my game and can expect highest rating at the end of the year."

If they still have nothing to say and you've been documenting all your meetings, you'll have plenty to fall back on during the dreaded annual review time (if your company still does performance reviews).

I once had an employee I coached who was completely confused about one of her annual goals. I suggested she go back to her next meeting and ask, "If I were to receive the highest rating possible on this goal, what would it look like? What exactly would I have done?"

When the boss couldn't answer that question, he removed it from her annual goals! In this way, she drilled down on all the vague goals he'd assigned her for the year until they were specific and had actionable steps that she could complete and then report in her one-on-ones. She was thrilled that year when, for the first time ever, she received the highest possible rating on all her goals.

IF YOU COME IN WITH A PLAN IT WILL NEVER BE A WASTE OF TIME.

4. FOLLOW UP AND DOCUMENT

• a) BRING A NOTEBOOK AND PEN AND TAKE NOTES DURING THE MEETING;
• b) If your boss had questions you couldn't answer, respond back within the next 12-24 hours;
• c) If your boss is the "forgetful" type, then a BRIEF email outlining what you discussed, what you promised to deliver, etc . . . is the best type of follow up;
• d) If your boss regularly cancels (without rescheduling) your one-one-ones, then attempt to reschedule it yourself;
• e) If your boss won't accept the reschedule, document that, too. Depending upon your situation, you can even respond with a BRIEF, respectful email outlining what you wanted to report/discuss in the meeting that was cancelled.

IF YOU DOCUMENT YOU CAN EASILY SHOW YOUR BOSSES' BOSS OR A NEW BOSS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. -OR- IN A WORST CASE SCENARIO SHOW HR THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ASKED TO DO BY YOUR BOSS.

5. STICK TO IT

If you aren't regularly sitting down to one-on-ones with your boss it might seem awkward at first but stick to it, it gives you more control over your workplace and situation, no matter what it is. 

Some co-workers and bosses don't see the value in regular one-on-ones and see them as time-killers. And, guess what, they ARE time-killers if you aren't covering anything important -so make sure YOU are adding value to your one-on-ones.

Do you have any one-on-one success stories to share?

Do you have any one-on-one horror stories to share?

I always welcome comments that might help others!!

Managing Up

In the improv of life, sometimes a long-held belief or behavior needs to be shaken up so something completely different can occur.

How many times have you looked at a situation and thought, "How did we get HERE?"

While reading some really negative reviews of a company where I used to work -with most of the comments being focused on the leadership- I started thinking about business and work and how things get to the state where they are untenable.

Then, I had an epiphany.

MOST CORPORATE TRAINING PROGRAMS ARE BEING DELIVERED TO THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE!

Thinking back on my corporate days. A lot of time and money is spent on training "leaders" and honestly, I've seen it make good leaders better but I've never seen it make any difference with leaders who behave badly.

The most extreme example I experienced was a situation where a C-level leader was under pressure to get his disjointed team some management training. So, he requested a very specific training for the team but insisted on meeting with the facilitator prior to the training so it could be "customized" for the group. This exec proceed to bully the facilitator and pick the training apart, until it suited him. The training then lost it's meaning and focus. Even worse, because this exec hadn't allowed the training to be delivered in the manner it is typically delivered, a lot got lost in translation. Instead of becoming a positive tool for change, it became a weapon -until it was dropped entirely because it was "ineffective".

I've seen lots of bad-behaving leaders go through expensive training with no demonstrable positive effects, and get promoted time after time but, I've never seen those bad-behaving leaders get better at leading others.

I even went with one such leader to a 3-day offsite training. This leader was belligerent in class, sometimes even snorting in derision at the facilitator, he skipped out on about 3 hours on the last afternoon and didn't change one behavior. Yet, he was promoted. Because he'd "made an effort" (to attend the class).

So, leaders like this learn very quickly that if they "endure" the training they can continue with their bad behavior and, in fact, will get rewarded for that behavior with more money, prestige and power.

So, what incentive is there to change?

WE NEED TO FLIP THAT SCENARIO.

Face it, most training that is delivered to the front-line employees is pretty much Code of Conduct and Preventing Harassment classes. That's about it.

But, in my experience, most code of conduct violations, sexual harassment, bullying, etc comes not from front-line employees, but from the people who supervise front-line employees.

I'll never forget facilitating a Preventing Harassment session; a new VP  grudgingly slumped into the mandatory class -late- and proceeded to make fun of the material. This VP then said something so absolutely offensive that I felt like I had to report it to my boss!

Guess what my boss did? Laughed, and said. "Oh, that's just the way he is. We can't say anything because the CEO loves him. You'll get used to him."

And that's a sadly common story of how a leader gets away with bad behavior.

THAT'S WHY I THINK IT'S TIME WE GET RID OF ALL THE MANAGEMENT TRAINING.

Good managers, good leaders are going to get better no matter what. They will read and learn and seek out what they need on their own. Bad leaders don't care, so why waste money trying to get them to care?

Instead let's spend the money on recruiting more ethical leaders. I think it's time to start creating an environment where it becomes uncomfortable to be a leader who uses bad behavior. I think it is time to focus all training dollars on front-line employees.

I think these employees need coaching and training that teaches them how to work ethically and gives them genuine skills (and corporate support) to navigate unethical leaders.

Imagine a nation of front-line employees who know how to effectively "manage up" and deflect and call out unethical behavior in a leader!

Imagine a nation of businesses (large and small) who support all employees by rewarding good employees (and good leaders) and by not accepting bad behavior from anyone!

Within a generation, we'd have amazing leaders!

What's the worst behavior you've experienced from a "leader"?

What's the best behavior you've seen in a leader?

Letting Go of Those Who Are Depleting You

When performing with other improvisers, there are some folks who are exhausting to work with. These are the improvisers who follow the rules of improv - but only barely.

These are the improvisers who make you work extra hard to keep the scene on track.

After the scene you don't feel good about the encounter.  You feel exhausted.

In the improv of life, there are people in our world like that, too.

In fact if you paused for one moment you could probably name at least 3 - 5 folks who, after spending time with them you are ready for a nap because their behavior leaves you feeling exhausted!

(And before we judge, remember, we might be that person in someone else's life!)

Here's the truth: you cannot change someone else's behavior. But, you can change how much TIME you spend with that person.

If you have "friends", family members, co-workers or bosses who exhibit one or more of these behaviors, you might want to reconsider their place in your life and how much time you devote to them.

1. SILENT TREATMENT -this behavior is exhibited by a person who refuses to talk with you or gives short, one-word answers. When you ask what is wrong, they say, "Nothing," or "You should KNOW." Nope. I don't know a single mind-reader. This behavior is offensive and manipulative.
2. NEVER-ENDING CRITICISM - this behavior is exhibited by folks who never have anything nice to say. They criticize everything you do (and criticize your other friends behind their backs). This behavior is an attempt to diminish and demean. Nothing, more, nothing less. People who are enriching your life build you up and offer advice and correction but never tear-you-down criticism.
3. BAD BREAKUPS -this behavior is exhibited by folks who never leave a relationship on a good note, whether it be a job, a relationship or a friendship.  In these breakups, they are always the victim, the slighted one, the one mistreated (according to them). Beware, it is only a matter of time until they find some reason you've wronged them, too.
4. TAKING OFFENSE - this behavior is exhibited by folks who are continually "offended" by everyone around them. You find yourself walking on eggshells -considering your words carefully- whenever you're around them because one slip up and they'll let you know for days, weeks, months how you mistreated them. Even worse, people who behave this way often have an uncanny way of taking offense at that thing you did in an effort to be nice or help them in some way.
5. FALLING OUTSIDE THE "REASONABLE PERSON" STANDARD -this behavior is exhibited by over-reaction to what a "reasonable person" wouldn't be bothered by. In a court of law, we ask if a reasonable person would be offended, or react to a certain scenario. This behavior usually goes hand-in-hand with "taking offense".

Past behavior indicates future behavior. If you feel "lucky" because your friend, family member, co-worker or boss hasn't exhibited any of these behaviors with you, it's really only a matter of time.

If you spend ANY time wondering where you stand with a friend, feeling guilty but not understanding why or apologizing for something that wouldn't have upset a reasonable person I suggest you move away from that relationship.

In the instances of workplace relationships, you should always be polite but don't let these people into your circle of friends.

Do you have any more behaviors to add to my list?

The Power of Generosity

True and purposeful generosity makes you strong.

When actors are improvising together, it is a true collaboration. The best scenes occur when each actor is generously creating situations for the other actor to do something that fits perfectly in their sweet spot. Scenes where both actors are building each other up -making each other look "good" - are a joy to perform and a joy for the audience to watch. Those scenes are a success.

That seems counterintuitive to a lot of people. A lot of people think that success involves climbing to the top through any means possible. A lot of people think the only way to do this is to make others look "bad".

Those folks see others in the same field or business as "competition" and cannot understand why anyone would go out of their way to make the competition look good.

To those people I'd kindly and respectfully ask, "How is that working for you? Do you really want to live there?"

I know I'd rather live in a place of generosity. I'd rather live in a place of abundance where the success of my colleague, neighbor or peer is only an reminder that such success is possible and a similar success can be mine.

In the improv of life, we gain confidence, strength and power from this purposeful generosity.

In the improv of life, when you live in purposeful generosity, you are living in a powerful world of abundance and possibility rather than a world of limits and "not enough to go around".

Please understand:

I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU SAY "YES" TO EVERY REQUEST OF YOUR TIME, MONEY OR TALENTS. 

I'm suggesting you practice continual, purposeful generosity and collaboration. I'm suggesting you take your precious time and if you are going to talk about others you do so to build them up for their "wins" rather than tear them down for their weaknesses.

I'm suggesting you delight in the success of others and if you can play a small part in that success with your purposeful generosity then you should do so.

What does purposeful generosity look like in the improv of life?

It looks like taking a few extra seconds to type a positive comment rather than just "liking" or retweeting in social media.

It looks like sitting down to coffee with someone who you genuinely like and sharing your knowledge or expertise.

It looks like teaching a new skill to someone who you genuinely like.

It looks like sharing a job posting, or an interesting article to someone who you think could genuinely use the information.

It looks like making time in your schedule for those who report directly to you by scheduling weekly one-to-ones. During these, make sure you take notes and follow up on what you promise to do.

It looks like taking the time to find out where your direct reports or volunteers feel they are most in their flow and finding opportunities to place them there.

It looks like publicly congratulating a colleague or peer for their successes.

It looks like sharing your "finds" and connecting talented people with one another.

It looks like being honest and saying "no" when you don't have the bandwidth to give anything but 100% on something.

What would you add to this list?

When Questions Should be Statements

Whenever I teach Sunday school, or teach performance classes, there's always THAT kid.

I'm talking about the kid who always says "no".

This is the kid who blocks everything.

I love that kid.

That kid keeps me on my toes.

That kid forces me to improvise even MORE creatively!

But, most importantly, THAT kid reminds me to

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS THAT ONLY HAVE ONE ANSWER!

(Just a note: I'm not talking about those teacher/student questions like: "On what day was FDR born?" I'm talking about those CONVERSATIONAL questions for which you expect a very specific response!)

When I ask something inane such as, "Who wants to try that again?" I expect a chorus of eager faces yelling an excited, "Yes!"

What I get is everyone in the class saying "Yes" except THAT kid, who's saying, "No."

Blocking.

Even worse, it's my own darned fault. I asked a question when I should've made a statement!

I always teach my improv students to make statements instead of asking questions but, sometimes I'm my own forgetful student!

So, I say a silent thank-you to THAT kid for blocking and then I turn it into a statement and say what I should've said in the FIRST place, "We are going to try that again."

Not a question. Simply a statement. And the kids try it again. Even THAT kid!

When I'm teaching improv, the reason I ask the class to refrain from asking questions is because it muddies up the communication.

In improv, when you turn a statement into a question, you give your POWER away. You've removed YOUR decision, YOUR choice and thrown it back to your scene partner.

I think most of us have had that wishy-washy boss who has created an art form out of turning statements-into-questions. That boss that leads you to believe that you have a choice and then you feel like a jerk when you give the "wrong" answer.

This leader asks,"Do you have time to work on that budget report today?" and you respond with a "I can't, actually. I'm finishing the Steven's proposal today. It's due at the end of the week."

Um. Yeah.

Then the leader backtracks and admits that it WASN'T REALLY A QUESTION.

What the leader really meant to say was, "I know we're slammed right now and that the Steven's proposal has been your main focus this week, however, I need the budget report completed today."

Okay. That's VERY clear. I'm going to get that budget report done.

I think that some of us ask questions all the time because it seems "nicer". It seems less demanding. It seems less bossy. But, sometimes we ARE the "boss" of a situation and we need to make the non-negotiables as clear as possible.

I know that some of you are afraid that if you only make statements you'll look like a demanding, bossy control freak.

I'm here to tell you that, in an improv scene it will create a great and very clear scene but, in the improv of life your fears are very real; you WILL look like a bossy control freak if you ONLY make statements!

You've got to throw in those questions, too! That's just the give-and-take of real relationships.

The key, my friends,  is knowing WHEN to make a statement and when to ask a question.

The only way you'll know when to make a statement and when to ask a question is after you've decided what IS and what ISN'T non-negotiable in the current situation.

So today, practice making statements on your non-negotables and do your best to only ask questions when you will genuinely act on any answer!

Don't Like Big "Buts" (And I Cannot Lie!)

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

How do you feel when someone begins a statement with any of those (or similar) phrases??

Most of us tense up and we brace ourselves for fight-or-flight.

Why?

Because we know that the words that follow ARE going to be unpleasant. Those words usually preface a sucker-punch to the psyche. 

Want to know something else? In the rules of improv and in the improv of life, as far as I'm concerned there's NO room for those big "buts". 

Every "but" is a block . Blocking stops the action. Blocks prevent forward momentum.

It has been my experience in life that MOST of the people with all the "buts" are the ones who are also trying very hard to gossip, boss, bully, control or "pull rank".

None of it is pleasant, none of it is pretty.

So,what do we do? 

I say, PRACTICE now with your responses! Improvisers practice. Musicians practice. Artists practice. In fact, all creative endeavors require practice and YOUR LIFE is the most creative endeavor of them all.

So, here are some responses I've practiced for those moments when people throw their "buts" around . . . 

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . . 

• WAIT! Just so you know, you won't be able to take back the hurtful thing you're going to say, do you really want to continue?

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

• NOW is your opportunity to avoid that by not saying whatever rude thing it is that you were planning on saying.

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

• You WILL be mean if you have to and obviously right now is one of those times. C'mon, hit me with your best shot. I can take it.

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

• WAIT! I'm already offended. Please continue, I can't wait to see how much more offended I'm going to feel after you say what you've been planning to say!

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

• You feel COMPELLED to do so. I know, I know, it's for my own good. Just be advised that my feelings MIGHT get hurt and at that point I won't want to say anything that comes out of my mouth but I might not be able to control myself. 

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

• It's for my own good, right? You're going to say something mean and hurtful to help me become a better person because you see some great flaw in my character. Okay. Bring it on. I've braced myself.

Hee hee.

Here's the homework assignment, get out your pencils and write out your own response to those statements. Then practice your responses in the mirror. Have a good laugh. Oh, and make sure you aren't throwing any big "buts" around -those things are a sure way to block meaningful conversation!

To Change, or Not to Change -That is the Question

I just read an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on changing the environment around decision making.

In the improv of life, I'm a HUGE fan of shaking things up and I found a lot of these ideas to be spot-on.

Especially the comments on bringing new people into your organization.

The author suggests, A better approach starts by asking newcomers a simple question: "Who are you when you are at your very best?" (Rather than asking new hires to sit through a static presentation on "how we do things here" and then setting them to task immediately.)

Click HERE to read the full article.

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

A Note About Persistence

2014. I started out this year journaling what I would do more of this year:

1. Travel
2. Audition
3. Perform
4. Write

The ones that are currently challenging me are #2 and #3.

I've auditioned MORE this year than in several years past but I'm just NOT getting cast.

Here are the shows I'm NOT doing this year:

Urintown: The Musical
Mary Poppins
Man of La Mancha
Shrek, The Musical
Fiddler on the Roof

5 shows that I'm not doing.

But, this is 4 more shows than I auditioned for LAST year when I decided that in addition to doing my own improvised show, I'd like to do a scripted show again.

So far, no success. So, what are my "next steps"?

Auditioning.

I'm persisting.

On a couple of shows I've come very close. On a couple of shows, I could've accepted an ensemble role but, with my busy life, I honestly will only accept speaking roles at this point.

At no point am I considering "giving up". Yes, it hurts when I'm not cast. There are people out there more talented than I am. There are people out there less talented than I am.

Sometimes I even see those people in the roles that I auditioned for.

It doesn't matter.

In the improv of life, what matters to me, is that I will continue to audition.

I won't stop and I won't let it get me down (for long!).

And, in between auditions, I will continue to work on my own show which gives me great joy.

And, in between auditions, I will work on creating new shows for myself which terrifies me in a good way.

And, in between auditions, I will travel and write because those things are on my list for 2014!

What is challenging YOU right now in your life?

What do you do when you have challenges reaching your goals?

The Dirty Little Secret No One Talks About at Work

One of the dirty little secrets about leaders in your organization is that some are deeply in debt.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an expensive business.

Outward trappings of wealth are not indicators of genuine wealth.

Debt causes fear.

If there seems to be NO reason why your leader isn't speaking up for what's right, that leader MIGHT be coming from a place of fear that they'll lose their job (and their 6-figure income) if they speak up.

So, what do YOU do if your VP who drives the BMW to work on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and drives the Mercedes on Tuesday and Thursday; lives in a mansion on the lake; and leaves the office each Friday to network with the Big Cheese is also allowing the Big Cheese - the CEO- to run amok and create chaos within your department?

Well, my friends, in the improv of life, there's only one thing to do.

 "Yes, and . . ."

"Yes, and . . ." means accepting what IS and adding to it with your reaction.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want but, you cannot change your leader. (Trust me on this, I've tried changing people and have learned it's like hitting my head repeatedly on a brick wall. It just leaves me battered and frustrated.)

You can only accept that there is SOMETHING that causes them fear, that is preventing them from standing up for their team. After you accept the "offer" in this particular improvisation, you have the power to ADD your own response.

Your own response is your super-power in the situation.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by moving to another department -or another company.

You might "Yes, and . . ."  by squaring up your own finances so you don't act out of fear, too.

You might "Yes, and . . ." by doing your best work DESPITE your leader's human failings.

There are infinite "Yes, and . . ." responses.

I suggest choosing the one that gives you CONFIDENCE in overcoming/dealing with/changing your own personal situation.

I know that when I was in a situation where everyone seemed to be kowtowing to the CEO, I quietly chose to do the best I could in the situation and behind the scenes was working VERY hard to pay off our mortgage so I could leave the situation when the time was right for me.

So, if you suspect that your leader has a dirty little secret that is preventing them from being a truly great leader, how are you going to choose to "Yes, and . . ." today??

P.S. A great book to read on the subject of the APPEARANCE of wealth versus GENUINE wealth is "The Millionaire Next Door". 

Basic Conversation 101: Starting and Continuing a Conversation

This is the second in a series of Basic Conversation tips. You can find the first post HERE.

Good conversations are just like good improv scenes. There is a steady back and forth.

Great improvisers practice, rehearse and hone their skills. Great conversationalists do, too!

Show me an awkward conversation and I'll show you a person who isn't following the rules of improv!

So, how do you start the conversation AND keep it going?

That's easy. You enter the conversation WITHOUT AN AGENDA and you improvise.

THE FIVE STEPS TO A CONVERSATION:

1. When someone says something you accept it and add to it. (YES, AND . . . )
2. You LISTEN to the response.
3. You YES, AND . . . their response.
4. REPEAT steps 1-2 as often as natural (#3 is just a reminder to keep the ball rolling!!)
5. One of you ENDS the conversation at a natural stopping point. 

YES, AND . . .

What can get a little confusing is that people think that accepting (or "Yes-ing") a statement means that you agree with the statement. You DON'T have to agree with the statement or belief but only ACCEPT that you understand this to be something the other person believes.

If someone says, "Beautiful day," and it's raining and crappy outside and you don't think it's beautiful at all, don't say, "Boy, it sure is. My plants need the water." (Unless you really believe that.)

"Yes, and-ing . . ."  in a conversation is NOT about being disingenuous.

If you genuinely want to HAVE this conversation, you also don't want to BLOCK it by saying, "Ugh, it's crappy and rainy and gross. How can you THINK that?"

Fighting over the weather isn't the way to start and/or maintain a conversation. A debate, maybe. A conversation, no.

How about this:

"Beautiful day."
"Wow, you're the first person whose said that today. I'm fascinated to find out why you think all this rain makes it beautiful!"

You've "Yes, and-ed . . ." (accepted) and added by opening the door for them to explain what about the day is beautiful.

Now LISTEN to the answer it will probably be the start of a fun conversation.

(Personal note: I grew up in the Pacific NW. When I lived in Florida  I thought rainy days, gray days were beautiful because they reminded me of home.)

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

There's a saying, "You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak."

If you want to have a genuine conversation and keep it going then please pay attention to that corny old saying.

It's like long-form word association.

You know the word association game, right?

One person says, "Tree."
The next person says, "Bird" (or "Bush" or "Maple" or whatever word pops into their head when they hear the word, "Tree".)

Here's a sample:
Tree
Bird
Fly
Airplane
Cloud
Heaven
Harp
SkyMall

Wait. WHAT?

Okay, unless you saw a harp in the SkyMall magazine on your last trip, when someone in an improv game does THAT, It tells me that they got "stuck" on "airplane" and didn't move past it when the next word got to them.

Or, it tells me that they have a funny "SkyMall" joke or story that they're just DYING to insert into the conversation and they're willing to halt the action awkwardly just to get it in there.

Mostly it tells me that the "SkyMall" person wasn't listening to RESPOND, instead, that person was listening for their TURN.

A conversation isn't about taking turns. It's about interacting without agenda.

WHEN TO END THE CONVERSATION

This is the tricky part. This is the part that takes practice.

A conversation naturally ends before you both run out of steam and stand awkwardly looking at your feet.

If you have trouble "feeling" a natural end, then a physical end will do.

A physical end happens in many ways, here are just a few:

1. When you've been walking and talking and you reach your destination.
2. When you're at an event and there's an announcement to move to a new room, etc.
3. When someone new joins the conversation.
4. When the class or meeting or movie starts.
5 When the person you're talking with indicates that they need to go do ANYTHING.

PLEASE DON'T KEEP TALKING AFTER A PHYSICAL END!

I cannot stress that enough.

It is awkward. It is similar to waiting for "your turn".

WHEN TO GIVE UP ON A CONVERSATION

Let's face it. Not everyone is a great conversationalist and not everyone is going to want to talk with you.

I give up on a conversation after two or three "BLOCKS" from the person I'm trying to converse with.

If someone replies with a one-word answer, or replies negatively, I consider it a block.

It's not worth conversing with someone who doesn't want to.

WHO DO I TALK WITH?

You talk with the person who looks open to conversation.

I once had an improv student say, "No one will talk with me, when I go to church, I stand next to the group of people having the most fun, but they don't include me and won't talk with me."

I call that the "interloper" tactic and it doesn't usually work well.

Instead . . .

• Initiate a conversation with the person who is standing alone.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who just walked in the door.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who said, "hi" to you.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who started a conversation with you.

Don't . . .

• Hang on the fringes of a conversation, waiting to take your turn.
• Initiate a conversation with the person who appears busy (on their phone, walking swiftly someplace, reading a book).
• Ignore or half-listen to the person who is trying to start a conversation with you by looking over their shoulder to see if there's someone "better" to talk with.
• Initiate a long conversation with the "captive" person next to you in line, on the bus, on the plane, etc. A pleasant "hello" and one other conversation starter is fine to SEE if they want to talk but don't force it and don't take it personally if they don't want to converse. If the person next to you gives only one word answers (or grunts!) then that's a sure indicator that they don't want to talk.

Now, go out there and start practicing your conversation skills! Tell me how it all works out!

Bring Love to the Workplace

Love. I think we should bring love to the workplace. Now, before you call HR and report a sexual harassment violation read my entire post!

Some of you are already bringing love to the workplace.

Some workplaces allow you to bring your dog.

What are you bringing when you bring your dog? Love. Pure and unconditional. If you bring your dog to work you've brought a living, breathing soul that loooooooves you. No matter what.

And, if you're bringing your dog to work, you're bringing a living, breathing soul that YOU love unconditionally.

You might not always LIKE what your dog DOES but you still love your dog, right?

What if you left the dog at home but STILL brought THAT kind of love? That, I-respect-your-humanity-and-want-to-make-our-time-together-pleasant kind of LOVE?

I know, some of you are thinking,

"This chick has gone off the deep end. She's gone cra-ay-azy."

Please hear me out.

I just started reading "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman.

This is a book for married couples but -always an improviser- everything I learn is filed away in my internal catalog and I always think about different ways to apply what I've learned.

In this book, Mr. Chapman suggests learning to "speak" your spouse's "love language" and thereby achieving more happiness because you both feel appreciated and loved.

What if we expanded that concept to the workplace and did our best to speak "love languages" with our leaders, direct reports and co-workers?

Crazy!


Think about the folks at work.

Each person is different but, if you can utilize the improviser's skill set of deep observation and watch how your co-workers interact with others, I'll bet you can quickly learn to "speak" their language and bring a little more empathy (love) to the relationship.

Remember, you can LOVE someone but not LIKE everything they do!

NOTE: It takes a extreme self-confidence and a genuine desire to create better relationships with your co-workers to put aside your own preferences and "speak" the language of another person. 


You can easily start with communication styles.

Some folks want to talk on the phone. Some like email. Some drop by your desk to speak in person.

If you're trying to speak their language, return the communication in the way they reached out to you.

Instead of complaining about that co-worker who leaves you voice mails but never answers your emails why not pick up the phone and interact with that co-worker in their preferred method. If you do this, you're now speaking their "language".

If you are a get 'er done type of person and you have a co-worker who always wants to chit chat -would it hurt you to TRY speaking the language of chit chat for a few minutes BEFORE bombarding them with a work request?

Instead of hurting, I think it would improve your relationship.

Can you do it? Can you bring a little LOVE to your workplace today?

I double-dog dare you!

The Devil is in the Detail

When I'm coaching new improvisers, I will often see something like this happen:

Player 1: (Miming pushing a baby carriage.) Such a nice night.
Player 2: (Starts the same movement) Yes, and we'll have this golf course mowed in no time and can get on to enjoying ourselves!
If they're really new improvisers, Player 1 usually stops and looks at Player 2, saying, "What in the heck are you doing?"

The scene stops cold.

Player 1 is disappointed because things didn't go as anticipated.
Player 2 is disappointed because Player 1 didn't yes, and . . . to their offer and continue the scene.

See, Player 2 saw the physical motion, heard the very vague words and assumed that Player 1 was mowing the lawn. Player 1 didn't give ENOUGH information to maintain the idea of a couple walking a baby in a carriage! If Player 1 had said, "such a nice night to be out walking the baby, he loves the fresh air." Then the offer of walking a baby would've been understood (and acted on) by Player 2.

How often does this happen in the improv of life that the person with the original offer doesn't give enough information so  a "scene" can progress smoothly?

It is especially prevalent in the workplace.

As they say, the devil is in the detail.

Remember, if you're a Leader, one of your job requirements is to give your direct reports all the necessary information (and clear expectations) to successfully complete a task.

Sooooo, start the improv out by giving as much info as possible. That will set things up for the best possible result.

Think about past frustrations. Did someone "fail" because they just didn't do it "right" or did you leave out important details and expectations?

Stop Asking Why, Oh, Why?

Knowing WHY doesn't change what IS.

But we still want to know WHY, don't we?

The word WHY is the hallmark of the "terrible twos".

Why, mommy, why? Why, uncle, why? Why, sister, why? Why, grandpa, why?

Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

When we are two, we want to know because we are just starting to figure out this big, blue marble and all the people that inhabit it.

Guess what, even though we grow out of verbalizing the "why" like a two year-old, we never stop wondering why people behave the way they do.

We want to know why (s)he broke up with us.

We want to know why we didn't get the job even though we know we were the best candidate.

We want to know why the boss is acting in the frustrating way (s)he does.

In an improv scene no one asks why. Because improv actors know that asking WHY isn't going to propel the scene forward. Improv actors know that asking WHY is actually BLOCKING the action. Improv actors know that asking WHY puts all the control (and responsibility) in the scene onto the other actor.

It's the same in the improv of life.

Yes, wanting to KNOW why is almost a visceral response, especially if the "scene" is emotionally charged.

But, if you don't move past it you can get stuck in "needing to know why" -needing to know the reason for someone else's behavior. Even worse, you might start imagining reasons why someone did what they did.

(Yes, if the SAME thing keeps "happening" over and over you should ask WHY. But, you should be asking it in the context of examining your own behavior, not the behavior of others.)

NEEDING to know WHY someone did something is a powerless place to live. People who feel powerless do stupid things, sometimes even dangerous things.

So, after you've gotten through the emotion, stop asking WHY and instead say, YES this is the situation AND, I'm going to . . . .

YES, AND . . .  puts YOU in control of this scene in your life.

Why be Normal? Join the Circus!

My husband and I often joke that we are the "circus family".

It's our way of saying that -in the improv of life- we happily embrace the fact that there's not much "normal" or "average" about the way we live. In the circus everyone is together but different in their talents and skills and abilities. 

Here's how it goes in our house: we sort of have a schedule, we practice tap dancing in the kitchen. We write jokes on road trips and heaven help you if you steal one of our daughter's funny "bits". Right now, there is a discarded wig in the kitchen, there are paintings drying on top of the chest freezer, our pantry is stocked with delicious home-canned pickles (courtesy of the man of the house) and lots of glitter in the craft room. We have regular dance parties in the living room (complete with a strobe light purchased at the thrift store for $3) and if you need an interactive character -complete with costume- for your event, well, one or all of us can help you out.

I also know there's NOTHING "normal" or "average" about you and/or your family!

I can prove it, too. 

Just humor me and play the statistics game with me.

Google (yes, I'm using it as a verb) "What percentage of Americans" then end that sentence with something you or your family does.

You will absolutely find that you do many things that are way below the "average". 

Here are the stats I found for our family that put us out of the "normal" or "average" range:

• We are self-employed. That's 6.6% of all reported jobs in America.
• We carry no debt. The average American family carries $117,951 in debt.
• (Yes, even the house is paid off. The average American family has a $95k mortgage debt.)
• We attend live theatre. In 2011 statistics show that only 33% of the adult population in America attended a live theatre event.
• We all volunteer. Only 25.4% of Americans volunteer.
• We tithe. Only 5% of Americans tithe.

If you didn't do it before, take a second and try it! I'll wait.

See!!! You're NOT NORMAL! Be proud of that!!

So why do so many of us spend precious time, energy and resources trying to be "normal" -or trying to fit in to the status quo?

Today, I suggest you embrace all the things that make you different.

As my mama always used to say, "If we were all the same the world would be a pretty boring place." 

In SHREK THE MUSICAL all the fairytale creatures who've been banished to Shrek's swamp for being "different" finally decide to stand up for themselves, realizing, as Pinocchio puts it, "We may be freaks, but we're freaks with teeth, and claws, and magic wands!"

They rally their differences for the common good, they let their freak flags fly and they vanquish the bad guy.



I agree with this lyric: "All the the things that make us special are the things that make us strong."

Today, I challenge you to embrace your SPECIAL in the most positive of ways. I challenge you to embrace the things that make you different and put them to good use!

Even harder, I challenge you to accept the "not normal" in others and see where you can support and enhance each other's "not normal" to make the world a better place. 

When I used to play in the sandbox of the corporate world, I saw it time and time again. The folks who worked so hard to be normal, to not make waves, to keep their heads down and just do their jobs were the ones who were unhappiest. They were also the folks who were looked over because they didn't share what made them special, what made them different (and valuable) to the organization. 

C'mon, why be normal? Let your freak flag fly! Join the circus!

Why Your Brainstorming Sucks (And How You Can Fix It!)

"It'll never work."

"We've done that before and it didn't work."

"Yes, but . . ."

"That's stupid."

"NO."

"Get real."

"I'm just playing devil's advocate here."

"No offense, but . . ."

If you're the person who says any of these things during a brainstorming session then your brainstorming style sucks and I can guarantee that most of the folks in the room don't like brainstorming with you.

In improv, we have a word for comments like those. We call that BLOCKING.

Blocking violates all the rules of improv.

Blocking stops the action and in many cases it is impossible to recover the scene.

In a brainstorming session, when people are supposed to be coming up with creative ideas to solve a problem (or create a new product or service). It will also stop the action.

If you're facilitating a brainstorming meeting and you allow any of those comments to be said in your meeting without "calling" the person(s) making those types of comments on their behavior then your brainstorming session sucks and no one likes brainstorming with you.

WARNING: If the person doing the blocking is the boss, or some other high-status authority figure, and you're been given the impossible task of  "facilitating" such a session, you may as well just cancel the catered lunch, pack up the white board markers and end the meeting because after a few blocking comments from the boss everyone is going to clam up.

Put your creativity to better use by figuring out a creative way to AVOID attending a "brainstorming session" demanded by such a person!

I'm particularly saddened whenever I've attended a meeting and the high-status-person-in-charge says, "I need some really great ideas now, folks," and the first person brave enough to open their mouth is blocked with a withering, "Get serious, I'm looking for GOOD ideas." Ouch. 


Let's get things straight right now, a brainstorming session should be a fun, sky's-the-limit-we-can-do-anything time. The Brainstorming GROUND RULES are pretty simple:

1. Everyone must "Yes, and . . ." to generate more ideas than you'll ever use; and, 
2. Everyone must defer judgment (negative comments) on any and all ideas that are spoken, shouted, sung, doodled, danced or delivered in any other manner.

There will be time LATER to pull out the most promising ideas and look at them critically to see if they will work given the time, talent and resources available in your company.

Isn't it better to have 100 (or 1000 or 10,000!) ideas to chose from rather than 10? If you block the action then you've limited the potential of what can be accomplished.

Here's the truth, the really AMAZING idea

-the idea that will be a game-changer for your industry-

is never the first idea!

And it probably wasn't even one idea, it was probably a patchwork of smaller ideas that were created during a really great session where everyone was using the rules of improv to make magic.

If you allow blocking to occur, then you've limited the POTENTIAL of what could be.

Here's a sample brainstorming session. This is the group's first meeting, they've been tasked with updating the employee kitchen/break room. Right now, there's no budget and no limits. They have a generous 3 weeks to go from brainstorming to presenting a plan to upper management.

Chris: Oooh, let's paint the cabinets white!

Pat: Yes, and replace those lousy knobs with sturdier handles!

Sam: Yes, and I think it'd be fun to pull the doors off some of the cabinets so we can see all the cool coffee cups that everyone uses!

Chris: Yes, and . . . let's . . .

Blocker: Just playing devil's advocate here, white cabinets will always be dirty and we don't have the budget to replace the handles . . .  

Sam: Yes, and . . . we'll, uh, re-chrome the existing handles

Chris: Yes! And, instead of painting, we'll have the cabinets deep-cleaned and . . .

Blocker: I hate to break it to you but we deep-cleaned them a year ago before some of you started working here and they still look like crap.

Pat: Okay, let's forget the cabinets and think about the floor, I've heard that cork is an eco-friendly way to go . . 

Sam:  Yes, and you can get it in cool patterns, we could have our company logo put into the floor!

Blocker: No offense but what is that going to COST, I bet it'll take the entire budget the cheapskates in accounting will give us.

Chris: Okay, let's forget the floor, how about replacing the coffee maker with a beer tap!
Pat: (laughing) Yes, and put in a wine cooler!
Sam: Yes, and a Keurig machine! That way people will always be able to get fresh coffee when they want it.

Blocker: Stop being ridiculous! A beer keg and wine cooler would violate policy! And if you put in a Keurig how will you ever provide thermoses of coffee at meetings then?

Pat: Okay, what do you think we should do?

Blocker: I don't know. I thought you'd come up with better ideas.

Arghghghgh! We've all had our fair share of frustrating "brainstorming" meetings like this, haven't we? Not a single idea was fully explored because the blocker stopped every line of thought. People got silly for a minute with the beer tap but it generate a do-able idea regarding the Keurig machine. For a while, people gamely tried to plow ahead but that blocker was able to kill every idea before it was barely uttered.

Who knows where any of these ideas would've gone? We'll never know, but the white paint idea might've spurred further ideas of cool paint ideas (chalkboard paint, glow in the dark, etc) or the idea of removing the cabinets all together or . . . the sky's the limit when no one stops the flow of ideas.

I ask all you "blockers" -and the meeting facilitators that allow it to occur:

Do you really want your team to limit the potential of what you could create?

Here are the ways to STOP blocking creativity during brainstorming and idea generation:

1. If you're the blocker:

Remember the adage, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Your services will be required -and appreciated- when it is time to move onto the next phase in the process. That next phase requires everyone to review the ideas that were generated and to think critically and realistically about implementing the most promising of those ideas.

If you're having a difficult time controlling your criticism, make sure each comment out of your mouth begins with these two words: "Yes, and . . . " 

You might intend to be helpful and you might THINK that you're comments are helpful.  But, no one can read your mind, they don't know your intent and will only feel the impression you give as you speak.

These are some impressions that your blocking is giving others:

• You're giving the impression that you're AFRAID; frightened of change or scared to try something new. ("That'll never work.) 

• You're giving the impression that you're stuck in the past -or worse- a show-off reminding the room of your superior seniority/experience/status. ("We've done that before and it didn't work.")

• You're giving the impression that you don't know how to come up with ideas or don't want to collaborate. ("Yes, but . . .)

• You're giving the impression that you're a control freak who is afraid to lose any status or power. ("That's stupid." "NO." "Get real.")

• You're giving the impression that you're unsupportive or limited in your thinking. ("I'm just playing devil's advocate here.")

• You're giving the impression that you're someone who always needs to be right at any cost. ("No offense, but . . .")

WARNING: If -after someone "calls" you on your blocking or negative comments- you then stop talking, refusing to speak even when asked a direct question, all while rolling your eyes and sighing deeply and indicating with your body language that you think everyone else in the room is an absolute idiot. You are STILL blocking.

2. If you're the facilitator:

It is your RESPONSIBILITY to teach the ground rules; give participants permission to "call blocking" on negative comments; and, separate brainstorming sessions from implementation sessions and to make that CLEAR to all participants prior to the meeting which type of session they are attending.

• I highly advise you have at least two brainstorming session before you even begin to think about looking at any of the ideas critically. I also advise giving all participants the opportunity to add to the ideas AFTER the session for at least 24- or 48- hours;

• Don't believe for a moment that you'll be able to come up with ideas AND decide which to implement in the same session. Some of the best ideas might come to your participants while they're on a lunch (or bathroom!) break, or while they're driving home from work;

• If there's absolutely NO way the powers-that-be will allow you more time for brainstorming versus critical thinking, have a long lunch break before bringing the group back to look at all the ideas and decide which to implement;

It is your responsibility, as the facilitator to stop any blocking immediately. 

If you've already set the ground rules and someone blocks, you immediately (and kindly) say something like. . .

"You've just blocked the last idea. Just for fun, how would you expand on that idea instead?"

Or, "That is a comment for our critical thinking/implementation phase, right now we're just trying to come up with as many ideas as possible."

Or, "When you crossed your arms, rolled your eyes and grunted at Pat's last idea it gave us the impression you didn't like it, is that the impression you wanted to give? Because if it is, that's just as bad as verbally blocking. Remember we are accepting all ideas right now. There are no good or bad ideas at this phase in the game."

The idea isn't to embarrass the "blocker" but to redirect that person so the ideas can continue to flow.

Have you ever blocked during a brainstorming session?

Why?

Have you ever witnessed blocking during a brainstorming session?

How did you (or the facilitator) handle it?

5 Real Ways to Stop Complaining and Start Living

What are you focusing on today?

The positive?

Or the negative?

If I'm not careful, I can fall into the trap of only focusing on the negative. In the improv of life, this is not productive. Complaining and negativity quickly pull us out of an open "yes, and . . ." mindset and send us into a limited "no, but . . ." place that isn't very fun -or funny.

Negativity is an easy path. People are MORE than willing to walk along and help you get deeper and deeper into the slough of unhappiness.

Think about it: how many times have you complained about something and NOT had someone commiserate with you?

I can think of only one time.

I began complaining and a true friend said, gently and kindly, "Today, why don't you focus on what you DO have instead of what you don't."

WHAM! That friend pulled me off the path and left me, wobbly, and re-thinking things.

Indeed.

Life WAS pretty good when I stopped thinking about the one thing upsetting me.

We cannot change our feelings but we can experience an emotion -have a good (private) cry or pillow-punching session and then choose NOT to STAY in that emotion.

Truly, it has been my experience that the way I feel today is NOT the way I'll feel tomorrow and when I wallow in the emotions of self-pity and negativity I'm usually ashamed of myself after I snap out of it.

Here are some ways to move on after experiencing a negative emotion:

1. DON'T SHARE WITH OTHERS
This one is easy, I realized that EVERY time I was feeling negative and I shared my feelings with others (in the form of GRIPING) that I got MORE worked up, and I felt even MORE negative about the situation. Sure, I was doing some great "yes, and . . ." improv but it wasn't positive at all and got me even MORE upset! Journals are a great and safe place to work through your negative emotions.

2. HELP SOMEONE
Volunteer somewhere. I spent a few years volunteering at a Christmas gift giveaway for needy families in our community. I never felt so grateful for what I have as when I was doing that.

3. GIVE AWAY SOMETHING YOU NEED
If are feeling anonymous or unappreciated, you can bet others are feeling the same way. Why not reach out to someone and give them a GENUINE compliment? Start looking for ways to lift others up, the residual benefit is great.

4. MAKE A PLAN
If you are feeling negative about a situation in your life, making a genuine plan with serious goals is a lifesaver. When things get rough, you can focus on your plan, rather than your current situation.

5. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
Corny? Maybe, but it works. I love this quote from my pastor, Kevin Gerald "Blessed with everything, entitled to nothing." Wow. So true.

I don't know where I first heard this but I love it: "What if the things you didn't give thanks for today were gone tomorrow?" It's a sobering thought.

I do Morning Pages and when I feel myself slipping into negativity, I do my best to next write out the things for which I'm grateful.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS TO STOP COMPLAINING AND START LIVING? FEEL FREE TO SHARE!

Thank You

It is nice to get a little attention for your work. I sat down with Jaris English, a Renton-area writer, and she captured my feeling about theatre in this article that was featured in the RENTON REPORTER.

Click HERE to read it!

Get Your Own Idea

This post might make you angry. I'm just saying this up front so you can stop reading if you're easily offended. But, I know that there are people out there who need to hear this:

Stop hijacking bandwagons!

Bandwagon Hijackers are the folks who you didn't INVITE to participate (or give feedback) on your project but feel duty-bound to tell you HOW you should implement YOUR creative idea in a different way.

OR, they offer no support (or comment) UNTIL they see you succeeding with something and then want to add their two cents or get involved.

I know, I know, it is far easier to jump on someone else's bandwagon rather than build your own.

I get it.

Everyone wants to be part of a winning team.

I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been a Bandwagon Hijacker myself. I'm not proud of that and I do my best every day to focus on my OWN ideas rather than someone else's.

I don't think it is malicious behavior at all but instead, I see it as the behavior of people who wish there were magic fairies to do all the dirty, boring, painful things that must be done before a creative, winning idea becomes a reality.

But, you know as well as I do that there are no shortcuts.

You might've been oblivious before, and didn't know what you were doing, but now that you've read this far, I'll say it again:

You need to stop hijacking bandwagons!

If you're hijacking someone else's bandwagon, your behavior is obnoxious and harmful.

It is not helpful OR appropriate to sit back and watch someone else putting in the sweat and TIME on a creative project and casually EXPECT to hop on just as it is gaining momentum . . .

. . . without being there from the beginning to UNDERSTAND why the creative is doing what (s)he's doing the way he or she is doing it . . .

. . . without putting in the hours  . . .

. . . without having any idea of the passion, meaning or intent behind the art . . .


Even worse, Bandwagon Hijackers can completely destroy an idea if the creative isn't confident.

Especially in those early stages when an idea isn't fully formed.

That is the stage when the wheels are on but all the nuts and bolts aren't tightened so the bandwagon is barely held aloft on wobbly wheels. One casual push could send the whole thing crashing into a pile of rubble.

It is that point in the process when the creative is struggling to pull through a patch of sand and the extra weight of YOU, sitting on back will prove to be too much and the creative will leave everything sitting in the desert of unfulfilled visions never to be seen again.

There has been nothing more frustrating in my life than seeing truly original and creative projects destroyed by hijackers.


So, if you weren't invited to be a part of the project then enjoy it for what it is or keep quiet.

If you weren't invited to give your "feedback" or ideas, then don't.

If what I'm saying is making you feel angry because you KNOW that you have GREAT ideas for other people's projects, I'm here to tell you that what you're really hearing is your own inner creative SCREAMING to be let out.

So, today I DARE YOU to:

1. Step away from someone else's bandwagon;
2. Do your own thing, be original. Be brave.

I cannot promise that your original idea will succeed but I can promise that the more time you spend creating your own work, the less time you'll have to take a sledgehammer to someone else's bandwagon.

P.S. If you post an unformed idea on social media, you can expect it to be hijacked. Only do this if you have a super-confident thick skin -or, you are trying to weed out and identify the hijackers!

5 Ways to Find Your Power

Glinda the good witch said it to Dorothy,

"You've always had the power . . ." 

The Scarecrow was indignant that Glinda didn't tell our friend, Dot, in the first place about this power.

But, Glinda, the wise, knew that Dottie had to figure that out for HERSELF!

We all have to figure it out for ourselves and learn to use our power (for good, not evil, please!)

On those days when we feel quite powerLESS it is important to take a moment and remember how to USE OUR POWER!



1. PAST PERFORMANCE
Take a minute to breathe and remember all the times you felt powerful and in control in the past. You can feel that way again, and reliving those good moments in your head can balance out any negative self-talk. If it helps, you might want to WRITE those positive moments on a sticky note and keep it handy!

2. DO THE RESEARCH
Sometimes the people who seem to wield/hold power over us are really clueless! They've found themselves in a new leadership position and are really just making stuff up as they go along! This is where Google comes in super handy. Just do a tiny bit of research and find out if that person has ever held that leadership position before. You might actually find yourself feeling compassion for the person who you (thought) was controlling you.

3. THINK BIGGER
We've all heard that old saw, "Big fish in a small pond". Right? If you're in a small pond, and there's a big fish crapping in the water, try moving away from the pond. It's amazing how leaving a toxic situation can give you more perspective. YES, it IS scary to leave. But, if you're feeling miserable and powerless then it is time to expand your territory and/or move to a bigger pond! Sometimes just moving to a different department will make all the difference!

4. WALK IT OUT
Studies have proven what I've known for years: WALKING IMPROVES CREATIVITY! And, in my humble opinion, a creative mind is a POWERFUL MIND. It was during a period of time when I took all my work breaks outside, walking around my office building whenever I felt powerless and bullied by my boss when I actually felt my most creative and powerful! (And, I'm happy to report that I outlasted that awful boss!)

5. LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY
This isn't as left-field as it seems. Think about it, how many of you, dear readers, have ever said, "If I just had enough money I would fill-in-the-blank"?? Often, those "blanks" are situations that are holding you back. Often, we feel powerless or STUCK in a situation because we have genuine monetary obligations. If you feel like lack of funds is contributing to your feelings of powerless-ness then learning and applying solid money management principles will help you take charge. (Trust me on this. I used to be so deeply in debt that I couldn't even imagine a way out.)

One word of warning: gambling, pyramid schemes and other get-rich-schemes will not get you out of a financial hole, it will get you in even deeper. So, if a financial plan seems too good to be true, it IS. Run away!

I'd love to hear YOUR tips on how you find your power on those days when you feel like you've lost it!

If You Build It . . . (5 Ways to Keep Motivated if they DON'T come)

I love movies.

Movies are shadow and illusion and what-might-be played out on the big screen. I can't resist!

Dialogue from movies STICKS in our collective consciousness.

The #39 top movie quote of all time is "If you build it, he will come."

This earworm is MY pick for the most dangerous movie quote of all time.

We glass-half-full creatives HEAR that quote as "If you build it, THEY will come."

That quote is in many artistic brains as we create something new, risky and daring.

That quote propels us hopefully onward.

But, this optimist is here to tell you, life isn't like the movies.

Even documentaries aren't real life, they are a filmmaker's version of what happened.

In the improv of life, the truth is this: If you build it . . . they might NOT come.

Even if you created something amazingly awesome.

They might not see your show.

They might not buy your art.

They might not want your music.

They might not SEEM to want any part of that creative thing you do.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE UP!

It just means you need to have a PLAN for those times when people don't see your show; buy your art or listen to your music.

If you must, allow yourself to have a 30 minute pity-party (set a timer). Then let it go and do something to keep you moving onward and upward!!

Here are five things you can do to keep motivated:

1. HAVE A LAUGH.
Browse through the website One Hundred Famous Rejections to read about all the very famous, well-loved authors who've been rejected. It's affirming to realize that others can often be WRONG about talent and art!

2. BRAINSTORM
Grab a piece of paper and write down 100 or more things you could do differently with your creative work. Brainstorm for quantity -not quality. Get silly. Get serious. Set the list aside for a day, then look at it the next day and highlight the ideas that just might work. Then, get to work.

3. DO SOMETHING NEW
But stay creative. If you're a musician, try painting. If you're a painter, try music. Anything to keep the creativity going but without the pressure of having to "be great".

4.  TAKE A BREATHER
Put your art aside for a day or two. Scrub your toilets, weed the garden, wash the dog -any physical labor that takes you away from your studio or creative space.

5. COLLABORATE
Find a friend who does something in your field and join forces. Just for fun. You'll both remind each other that you do great work.

Do you have anything YOU do to keep motivated? Please comment and share!!

I Trusted You

Just around bedtime, our son confessed that he had gotten called into the office at school!

What? Our empathetic, sweet boy?

Turns out our angel was playing a version of "so-and-so has cooties" game.

Hmmm.

That led to a discussion about treating people kindly. He told us that this person was a friend and that he'd apologized and that they were "good" now.

Really?

The hubby and I pointed out that he'd better re-examine how he behaved with friends and explained that he'd destroyed the trust in their relationship.

Ultimately, we told him he was going to have to work very hard to build back the original TRUST of this person. 

And, like any typical nearly-ten-year-old boy would, he rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and left the room once we'd shared our wisdom!

In the improv of life, trust is crucial.

I remind my improv students all the time, that an "offer" made to purposely make a scene partner uncomfortable isn't the way to play the game.

It's not fun.

In real life it isn't fun, either.

What's the old saying?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Good improv -like good friendships- builds on the strengths of a scene partner, not their discomfort.

Today, I challenge you to only do "scenes" where you build up and strengthen those you interact with.

Remember, it's easy to tear things apart. It is far more creative to build UP.