There are lots of articles written about how to be a better employee or boss but there's not much advice out there on how to piss off the folks you work with. In the improv of life there are a million ways to react to every situation but, sometimes you just need a little inspiration to kick start the process.
I know that many of you are already using a robust combination of these tactics to great effect, but, there's always room for improvement! Here's a list of the top 18 ways to piss off just about anyone in your organization. Please, freely share any comments, questions or concerns; correct my grammar, spelling and/or punctuation; and, of course, feel free to add your own tip to this list of crucial "soft skills" designed to annoy.
1. Show up late to everything.
Extra points if you are a VP or CEO and are using the most tightly scheduled conference room in the building and throw a raging fit to the first person who pops in the door and interrupts YOUR meeting when it goes over time by the same 15-30 minutes you were late to said meeting.
2. Do anything it takes to get ahead and make yourself look better no matter who you hurt in doing so or if the means you use are unethical or illegal.
Extra points if you can coerce others to join you in this behavior by bullying them or calling them "sucker" or by convincing them that "everyone does it."
3. Put the barest effort into whatever you do, cut corners whenever possible and always goof off if the boss isn't watching
Extra points if you get a raise or promotion while others regularly observe you making personal phone calls, trolling the internet, taking long lunches and leaving early because you're "sick" but showing up in the photo gallery for the local football "fan day" event wearing the very same clothes you were wearing when you left early to tend to your migraine.
4. Roll your eyes, sigh deeply and cross your arms when anyone you've deemed an "idiot" is speaking at a meeting, discussing your work progress and/or brainstorming at a company offsite.
Extra points if you can reply with any of these words and phrases, "No."; "We've tried that already."; "That will never work."; and/or "Are you finished?" Extra-extra points if you are a front-line employee and use this tactic with a VP or higher.
5. Always show up exhausted, sick or distracted. Make sure to let everyone around you know what caused -or is causing- you to be exhausted, sick or distracted.
Extra points if you blame something -or someone you work with- for MAKING you exhausted, sick or distracted.
6. Always have a negative attitude. Never find solutions, always problems.
Extra points if you missed all the meetings and never participated but dump all over a completed project or product just as its about to ship -especially if the folks who did the work are really excited about it.
7. Never do any real work but pronounce loudly that you are the "idea" gal/guy on the team.
Extra points if you get full credit for the work your co-workers did on YOUR end-of-year performance review. Extra-extra points if you get a higher performance rating than the person who did all the actual work.
8. Immediately get angry with anyone who points out a mistake you've made or gives you any feedback on your work. By all means do NOT make ANY of the changes or corrections they ask.
Extra points if you can maintain "the silent treatment" for a week or more and get the person who "offended" you to apologize for daring to point out that your mistake totally screwed up everyone's paychecks.
9. Never do any extra work. Use the phrase, "that's not my job," as often as you can each day. No matter what is going on ALWAYS adhere to the same exactly schedule every day and if there's a crisis that occurs at your lunch break, ignore it until you've finished with your tuna on rye.
Extra points if you can rope your boss into picking up the extra work, skipping lunch or staying late to cover for you.
10. Never come prepared. Do not review the materials prior to the meeting. Do not set up any system to make sure you always have plenty of the materials you need to complete the job. Do not ever carry anything with you that could be used to take notes.
Extra points if you can blame your failure to complete that big project on the jobber who didn't get the supplies to you on time (because you ordered them the day before the project was due.)
11. Ask lots of questions on what was covered in the materials that you were supposed to read before the meeting -or- on what was discussed at the meeting before you arrived late.
Extra points if you can completely derail the meeting by demanding to be "caught up to speed" and refusing to go over it "offline" with a co-worker after the meeting.
12. Include the words "lucky to have a job" at least once in any conversation regarding a promotion that didn't materialize; a smaller-than-expected annual raise/bonus; or a cut in any employee benefits program.
Extra points if you're the CEO or you work in the Human Resources Department.
13. Take all the credit when your co-workers, employees or department does well and throw them under the bus when it does poorly.
Extra points if you can get a special mention for "your" work in the employee bulletin or all-hands meeting. Extra-extra points if you can regularly present great ideas to your boss that you've stolen from your co-workers.
14. Always jump to conclusions and rush to judgment never apologize if your assumption was wrong
Extra points if you are in a position of authority and can make someone cry in the bathroom stall.
15. Perform personal hygiene tasks at your desk or in the lunch room. Trimming your nails, tweezing your eyebrows or applying deodorant are all great ways to accomplish this.
Extra points if after clipping your toenails and leaving the trimmings in the shared walkway you go heat up yesterday's fish and/or burn some popcorn in the only lunchroom microwave.
16. Repeatedly require the rest of the office to alter their behavior to suit your personal preferences. For example, request that no photos of pets be displayed on desks in your shared cubicle area because you feel that all animals should be free. Once all the animal pictures are gone, request that the color yellow not be worn by anyone on your work team because you cannot stand bananas and the color yellow reminds you of that hideous, squishy fruit. If anyone questions your demands use "hostile work environment" in a sentence and mention that your uncle is a lawyer.
Extra points if you wear your HR department down so much that they immediately acquiesce to your every demand just to get you out of their sight.
17. Give incomplete instructions making sure to miss at least one crucial step or piece of information, then get really upset when the task, project or goal isn't up to your exacting standards.
Extra points if you're the boss or project lead and add new information and/or change the expectations every time you have a "check in" meeting.
18. BONUS TIP FOR BOSSES ONLY: Set completely unreasonable expectations. One example: come in to work at a different time every morning, have "lunch" at random hours of the day and leave at a different time every evening. Then make sure to get angry if your entire team isn't there, sitting at their desks whenever you are in your office -even if you're in your office at 11pm at night.
Extra points if you take a long mysterious break in the middle of the day when no one can find you and stretch your time in the building to 10-12 hours every day.
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