Without Listening

I had a friend comment that he saw a show full of very talented actors that missed the mark because everyone onstage appeared to be waiting for their next line and not really listening to each other.

The first thing that popped into my head were the words "Acting without listening is just showing off." Then, I thought about how that statement could be applied to just about any situation on- or off- stage!

I think that type of non-listening is even worse in an improvised scene. When someone is watching improv, they are listening to understand.

Now, technically, all improv actors onstage should also be listening to understand, but some actors just miss that mark.

If an actor misses a crucial bit of information given by someone onstage, the audience knows instantly that actor is just waiting for a "turn" to show off.

Improvisers call this non-listening behavior "steamrolling".

In "real life", people who are listening for their "turn" are usually waiting to:

• Show off,
• Establish their status,
• Demonstrate their high level of skill,
• Dictate,
• Lecture
• Push their own agenda; or - worst of all,
• Make a joke

No one wants to work onstage with a steamroller and in the improv of our daily life, no one wants to live with, work with, or play with a steamroller.

Just as an audience can tell if you aren't really paying attention, people in your life can tell if you aren't really paying attention. 

Listening for your "turn" to speak isn't really listening at all. And, it is very irritating for all those around you.

Take heart, though, the "active listening" muscle can be developed and the first step in that direction is making a conscious decision to listen for understanding, rather than waiting for your turn to "show off"!

I wish I know who first said "Argue as if you're right. Listen as if you're wrong" because I love that idea. Personally, I think more people need to take that advice to heart and the world might be less divisive.

Does your team need training in active listening? I have a workshop for that! Email micheleruth@hotmail.com for more information.

MAKING MESSES

Ask any kid, making messes in the pursuit of creativity and play is fun! Waaaaaaay more fun than cleaning up afterwards.

"Moooooooom," our 11 year old yells down the stairs. "Can Jake and I build a foooooort in the living roooooom? Please? Mooooooom?"

"Only if you clean everything up before your father gets home from work."

"Ugh, forget it."

The fort is the fun. Pulling out every blanket in the house and flipping over the chairs and draping the furniture to create an awesome hidey-hole in which to act out stories and play is the fun.

Folding the blankets and replacing the furniture and making sure everything is back in order after the mess isn't "fun" but it is the responsible thing to do.  On that particular day, our son decided that the fun of building the fort wasn't worth the price of cleaning up afterwards.

Kids gleefully paint and splash and build forts and pull every outfit out of the closet playing dress-up. Which is as it should be. When creating, it is important to play freely and enjoy the art of the playing.

The next step is cleaning the mess. (If a baby can pull a toy OUT of a bin, they can be coached to put it BACK.)

Ooooh, that makes a lot of kids mad, doesn't it? Have you ever seen it?

But, good parents, teachers and leaders don't care if the kid gets mad. These adults realize that, in the improv of life, playing and making messes is worthwhile fun but the other half of creation lives in that space AFTER the fun.

Integrity lies in owning the "mess" and accepting the responsibility for what we've created.

WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' RULES . . . OR DO WE?

RULES

When I say that word, the people who hate rules scream, "Too many rules!"

"Screw the rules! Do whatever you want!" they chant.

But, in the improv of life, there are "rules" for everything.

Would it help if whenever you hear the word "rules", you think "parameters"?

Parameters are boundaries, they're guidelines.

Every. Single. Part. Of. Life. Adheres. To. Rules. Or. Parameters.

You can break them -or try to break them.

I'm grateful to the folks who created the airplanes in which we are able to fly to quickly get to other parts of the globe. These visionaries applied thought and different parameters to break the law of gravity.

I saw these: Images from Brickcon

If you click on the link, you'll see photos of amazing things that artists created out of Lego Blocks.

Lego blocks have rules. They have rigid, plastic parameters. Yet, artists create an endless array of amazing art pieces out of these rigid, rule-filled bricks.

Instead of screaming "no rules" and banging their heads against the IDEA of rules, the greatest artists instead sing, "I'll create within the rules, within the parameters."

I love that.

In your own personal life improv, are you stuck, repeatedly bashing your head against the rules? Or are you free, repeatedly using the rules to inspire you to express yourself?

WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO THAT LIFE RAFT?

You may be clinging to the past if you've ever uttered these words at work: "We tried that once and it didn't work."

You may be clinging to the past if you're still blaming your parents, your ex, your significant other or your 3rd grade teacher for anything that isn't working in your life today.

You may be clinging to the past if you believe your old dishwasher works when it really doesn't.

That's where I am today.

I  have to pre-wash the dishes before they go in, which absolutely defeats the purpose of having a dishwasher in the first place.

I'm happy to say that I (think) I'm  finally moving out of the denial phase and realizing that we either need to call our local repair guy or get a new dishwasher.

Because I'm an improviser, there are a zillion options, really, now that I've finally accepted life's offer of a broken dishwasher.

Onstage, doing an improv scene, it would've been much easier and much quicker. My scene partner might've said, "Honey this dishwasher isn't working. I've run the dishes through twice and they're still as dirty as they were before."

"You're right, " I'd answer, "It's time to call that repair man who worked his voodoo magic on our fridge last year."

Oh and the scene could move on quite nicely from there.

But, in the improv of life, it's often harder to accept what's happening and move forward.

As if our very existence depended up on it, we cling to beliefs, situations and people that are no longer necessary or are carrying us to unhappiness and danger.

Life rafts aren't intended to be lived upon. They are merely there until we can get to something better.

Some folks get on a life raft and paddle away, making slow progress towards the shore. They do what they can to survive until they finally reach dry land. Sometimes, these life rafts to which we cling are soooooo close to shore but we're so busy surviving on the raft, we don't even realize it. Everyone on dry land can see we're only in a few inches of water and if we'd just let go and stand up, we'd walk to the new opportunities right next to us! Once we finally stand up and slog those last few feet into shore, we feel amazing!! That's where I am with the dishwasher, I've been merely surviving instead of moving on to what I know needs to happen.

But, some people clamber onto that life raft of denial and think they're home free. They refuse to believe they're stuck in the sea and just try to live the way they always have. They ignore all warnings, refuse all offers for assistance as others watch helplessly as that life raft heads to deeper waters.

How many life rafts are supporting your denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into a new place?

In the improv of life, is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

I've seen people lose their jobs in a layoff because they'd spent the last 10 months refusing to use and/or learn a new way of doing something. They just bobbed along on their life raft, doing it the "old" way because they just wouldn't accept the new. Then when the life raft was ripped out from under them they were stunned to find themselves in a place they didn't like.

I've seen organizations push away eager volunteers and slowly spiral downward because too many folks refused to acknowledge that it was time to let go of one or two toxic people or the "old" way of doing things. One-by-one, new volunteers would come in, work to make positive changes, and leave when they realized that all their hard work was being undermined by that one person who'd been "a volunteer forever". The organization was clinging to the old times as the entire raft sank into the sea.

So, I've been breaking the rules. I've been blocking what life has offered by refusing to believe there's anything wrong with my dishwasher, even though it's been working like crap since the beginning of summer. That's the life raft to which I've been clinging.

I guess I'm clinging to the past because I really liked this dishwasher. We have a tiny house and we went to the trouble of special-ordering a smaller model than is usually sold in stores. I guess I'm clinging to the past and living in denial because it is going to cost me money and time.

But, when I look at the situation objectively, I see that the fact that its broken is costing me money and time, too. I'm wasting hot water (money) and standing there washing them by hand (time).

So, today, I'm accepting the offer that life has thrown. Time for a new dishwasher!

How many life rafts are supporting you denial?

Which of life's offers are you blocking in order to stay put and not move forward into uncomfortable territory.

Is staying stuck more comfortable than moving forward?

What is it costing you or your organization?

Choosing Avoidance

Don't ever think that ignoring a situation or doing nothing puts the responsibility for the results outside of yourself -or gives you the freedom to blame others for the results.

In fact, it is just the opposite.

Ignoring a situation or doing nothing is a definite choice in which you release your power and assume even more responsibility for the results (or consequences) of your inaction, whether you like it or not.

Performing improv quickly teaches us that we cannot control the offers that come our way; and that we sometimes might not even like an offer. However, we understand that our power and responsibility lies entirely in how we choose to respond and act on those offers. Accepting and acting on those offers is how two players balance the power and responsibility for a scene between each other.

An audience observing an improvised scene in which one player chooses to stop participating can easily see how both players started out sharing the power and responsibility to bring an enjoyable scene to the stage.

When one player gives up on the scene and stops doing anything the audience immediately notices the shift as the other partner assumes all the power in order to finish the scene. The audience also immediately understands that all responsibility for the lousy scene is firmly placed on the player who chose to do nothing.

All the same rules apply to the improv of life, only the stakes are higher.

We cannot control the situations that life offers us but, we have absolute power over the choices we make to respond to those situations.

If we want to maintain an equal balance of power and responsibility, we have to accept the situation and do something.

• If we ignore the leak in our tire, we are choosing to get a flat and assume all responsibility for being stranded someplace.
• If we do nothing about the vines growing up the side of our house, we are choosing to have our house damaged by invasive weeds and potentially becoming unlivable.
• If we ignore the warning signs, we are choosing to end up with health problems that could put us in the hospital, or worse.

As we choose to do nothing or ignore a situation that life offers us, the "audience" of family, friends and loved ones who circle around us are there, observing.

Even worse, one or more of the audience might have encouraged us to act, tried to help us, or warned us about the potential consequences of inaction but we chose to ignore those warnings, or lashed out in anger and pushed that person away.

Friends, we are always responsible for the results of our choices, and this responsibility is magnified when we choose to do nothing.

Always.

That's how the improv of life works.