When Questions Should be Statements

Whenever I teach Sunday school, or teach performance classes, there's always THAT kid.

I'm talking about the kid who always says "no".

This is the kid who blocks everything.

I love that kid.

That kid keeps me on my toes.

That kid forces me to improvise even MORE creatively!

But, most importantly, THAT kid reminds me to

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS THAT ONLY HAVE ONE ANSWER!

(Just a note: I'm not talking about those teacher/student questions like: "On what day was FDR born?" I'm talking about those CONVERSATIONAL questions for which you expect a very specific response!)

When I ask something inane such as, "Who wants to try that again?" I expect a chorus of eager faces yelling an excited, "Yes!"

What I get is everyone in the class saying "Yes" except THAT kid, who's saying, "No."

Blocking.

Even worse, it's my own darned fault. I asked a question when I should've made a statement!

I always teach my improv students to make statements instead of asking questions but, sometimes I'm my own forgetful student!

So, I say a silent thank-you to THAT kid for blocking and then I turn it into a statement and say what I should've said in the FIRST place, "We are going to try that again."

Not a question. Simply a statement. And the kids try it again. Even THAT kid!

When I'm teaching improv, the reason I ask the class to refrain from asking questions is because it muddies up the communication.

In improv, when you turn a statement into a question, you give your POWER away. You've removed YOUR decision, YOUR choice and thrown it back to your scene partner.

I think most of us have had that wishy-washy boss who has created an art form out of turning statements-into-questions. That boss that leads you to believe that you have a choice and then you feel like a jerk when you give the "wrong" answer.

This leader asks,"Do you have time to work on that budget report today?" and you respond with a "I can't, actually. I'm finishing the Steven's proposal today. It's due at the end of the week."

Um. Yeah.

Then the leader backtracks and admits that it WASN'T REALLY A QUESTION.

What the leader really meant to say was, "I know we're slammed right now and that the Steven's proposal has been your main focus this week, however, I need the budget report completed today."

Okay. That's VERY clear. I'm going to get that budget report done.

I think that some of us ask questions all the time because it seems "nicer". It seems less demanding. It seems less bossy. But, sometimes we ARE the "boss" of a situation and we need to make the non-negotiables as clear as possible.

I know that some of you are afraid that if you only make statements you'll look like a demanding, bossy control freak.

I'm here to tell you that, in an improv scene it will create a great and very clear scene but, in the improv of life your fears are very real; you WILL look like a bossy control freak if you ONLY make statements!

You've got to throw in those questions, too! That's just the give-and-take of real relationships.

The key, my friends,  is knowing WHEN to make a statement and when to ask a question.

The only way you'll know when to make a statement and when to ask a question is after you've decided what IS and what ISN'T non-negotiable in the current situation.

So today, practice making statements on your non-negotables and do your best to only ask questions when you will genuinely act on any answer!

Don't Like Big "Buts" (And I Cannot Lie!)

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

How do you feel when someone begins a statement with any of those (or similar) phrases??

Most of us tense up and we brace ourselves for fight-or-flight.

Why?

Because we know that the words that follow ARE going to be unpleasant. Those words usually preface a sucker-punch to the psyche. 

Want to know something else? In the rules of improv and in the improv of life, as far as I'm concerned there's NO room for those big "buts". 

Every "but" is a block . Blocking stops the action. Blocks prevent forward momentum.

It has been my experience in life that MOST of the people with all the "buts" are the ones who are also trying very hard to gossip, boss, bully, control or "pull rank".

None of it is pleasant, none of it is pretty.

So,what do we do? 

I say, PRACTICE now with your responses! Improvisers practice. Musicians practice. Artists practice. In fact, all creative endeavors require practice and YOUR LIFE is the most creative endeavor of them all.

So, here are some responses I've practiced for those moments when people throw their "buts" around . . . 

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but . . . 

• WAIT! Just so you know, you won't be able to take back the hurtful thing you're going to say, do you really want to continue?

I don't mean to be rude, but . . . 

• NOW is your opportunity to avoid that by not saying whatever rude thing it is that you were planning on saying.

I'm not trying to be mean, but . . .

• You WILL be mean if you have to and obviously right now is one of those times. C'mon, hit me with your best shot. I can take it.

Don't get offended when I tell you, but  . . .

• WAIT! I'm already offended. Please continue, I can't wait to see how much more offended I'm going to feel after you say what you've been planning to say!

I didn't want to say anything, but . . .

• You feel COMPELLED to do so. I know, I know, it's for my own good. Just be advised that my feelings MIGHT get hurt and at that point I won't want to say anything that comes out of my mouth but I might not be able to control myself. 

You aren't going to like this, but . . .

• It's for my own good, right? You're going to say something mean and hurtful to help me become a better person because you see some great flaw in my character. Okay. Bring it on. I've braced myself.

Hee hee.

Here's the homework assignment, get out your pencils and write out your own response to those statements. Then practice your responses in the mirror. Have a good laugh. Oh, and make sure you aren't throwing any big "buts" around -those things are a sure way to block meaningful conversation!

To Change, or Not to Change -That is the Question

I just read an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on changing the environment around decision making.

In the improv of life, I'm a HUGE fan of shaking things up and I found a lot of these ideas to be spot-on.

Especially the comments on bringing new people into your organization.

The author suggests, A better approach starts by asking newcomers a simple question: "Who are you when you are at your very best?" (Rather than asking new hires to sit through a static presentation on "how we do things here" and then setting them to task immediately.)

Click HERE to read the full article.

You Might Be Right

In the improv of life every single person you meet has advice. Every single person has an opinion.

If you don't believe me, have a baby. (Or don't have a baby!)

Go to a wedding without a date.

Or tell someone you've decided to pursue your dream.

Advice = one opinion.

Some advice is credible. Some isn't.

Some advice might've worked great for the advisee but you don't like it for yourself.

That's okay. 

So, how do you use the advice that is valuable TO YOU and discard the rest?

If the advice is written, you can simply set that book aside or close your web browser if you don't find it applicable to your own situation.

But, if the advice is verbal, how do you graciously handle it?

I handle it by using a tip that I learned years ago from writer/speaker Jon Acuff. I say, "You might be right."

Ooooooh boy, do I love those words!

Magical!

That was advice I could USE and maybe you can use it, too.

For an improv-of-life loving person such as myself, those words are a way for me to "yes, and . . ." without blocking the other person.

I've used those 4 magical words when I've felt anger rise up from "advice".

I've used those words when I don't agree at ALL with the advice/opinion.

I've used those words when I don't know what I think (yet) about the advice.

Yes, that phrase is a word game -a  matter of semantics- but, it makes ME feel better because the conversation doesn't devolve into an argument.

So, when someone gives advice that you would never-in-a-million-years use,  feel free to try those magic words.

In fact, think about Aunt Betty who told you to march into your boss's office and DEMAND he treat you with more respect when you know that it'd probably get you fired. "You might be right, Aunt Betty".

Then, quietly TO YOURSELF, say, "And you might be wrong, Aunt Betty. And in this case,  I think you are."

Then continue the conversation with your aunt because who knows how long she's going to be on this earth. "You might be right" satisfied her enough to drop the subject of your boss and move on to more pleasant topics. Ahhhhhhhhh. Family unity maintained.

You. Might. Be. Right.

I believe using those words gives people their dignity.

Using those words gives you time to ponder the advice.

Using those words creates a space to keep the piece that is valuable for you and discard what isn't.

What's the best advice you've ever received?

What's the most questionable advice you've ever received?

A Note About Persistence

2014. I started out this year journaling what I would do more of this year:

1. Travel
2. Audition
3. Perform
4. Write

The ones that are currently challenging me are #2 and #3.

I've auditioned MORE this year than in several years past but I'm just NOT getting cast.

Here are the shows I'm NOT doing this year:

Urintown: The Musical
Mary Poppins
Man of La Mancha
Shrek, The Musical
Fiddler on the Roof

5 shows that I'm not doing.

But, this is 4 more shows than I auditioned for LAST year when I decided that in addition to doing my own improvised show, I'd like to do a scripted show again.

So far, no success. So, what are my "next steps"?

Auditioning.

I'm persisting.

On a couple of shows I've come very close. On a couple of shows, I could've accepted an ensemble role but, with my busy life, I honestly will only accept speaking roles at this point.

At no point am I considering "giving up". Yes, it hurts when I'm not cast. There are people out there more talented than I am. There are people out there less talented than I am.

Sometimes I even see those people in the roles that I auditioned for.

It doesn't matter.

In the improv of life, what matters to me, is that I will continue to audition.

I won't stop and I won't let it get me down (for long!).

And, in between auditions, I will continue to work on my own show which gives me great joy.

And, in between auditions, I will work on creating new shows for myself which terrifies me in a good way.

And, in between auditions, I will travel and write because those things are on my list for 2014!

What is challenging YOU right now in your life?

What do you do when you have challenges reaching your goals?